Living Without You
by PICKET-FENCES-CLOSER
Summary: Max is forced to pick up the pieces of her life when she is suddenly left a widow.
1. Chapter 1

This picks up 10 years after the series finale. Apologies to all the Kenny/Max fans out there…this is a take on her starting over after losing Kenny. She moved to Chicago, so their kids could be close to his family.

 **Present:**

"Mommy!"

Max looked up and smiled at her eight-year old and six-year old daughters chasing each other into the living room. "What are you doing?"

"Regan is being mean," Natalie said. "She won't let me play with her."

Max put her book down and looked at them both, ignoring the dull pain in her heart. They are getting so grown up. "Regan, don't be mean to your sister."

"Mom," she whined, flopping down on the couch next to her. "She's a baby."

"Ah, she just wants to be like you, Kiddo. Cut her some slack."

"Do we have to go to Grandma's house?"

"It's Sunday. You know we go every Sunday night for dinner. What's up, Regan?"

She snuggled closer to Max's side. "All she does is talk about Daddy."

Max wrapped her arm around her and gave her a long squeeze. She does…it's getting harder and harder. I miss him, I'll always miss him, he took a huge chunk of me with him when he died. No, this is for our kids. I must be okay for them. "I know."

"I don't remember Daddy."

Max kissed the top of her head, as Natalie climbed up on the couch with her. Oh, and this one, I was nine months pregnant with her when he died. He never even knew her. My girls. Moved to Chicago so they could be close to his family, took this nine to five job so I can raise them, and we're good. "I know you don't. He loved both of you, he loved you before you were even born. Your grandparents love you too, and they miss him."

"Do you miss Daddy?"

He was the love of my life, my very best friend, the father of my children. "Every day."

"But, Mom, you don't talk about him all the time like Grandma and cry."

"I'll tell you anything you want about your dad."

"Grandma makes me sad talking about Dad. Mom, you make me happy when you do. You tell us stories about him. Mom, are you sad?"

Oh, she is wise beyond her years, Max thought. "Sometimes. Seeing the two of you makes your grandma very happy."

"I want a story about you and Daddy," Natalie piped up. "A fun one."

"Me too," Regan said. "I love you, Mom."

 **Six Years Ago**

 _"Put your hands up!" Kenny said. "Freeze."_

 _"You think you can take me, Deputy?"_

 _Using his children as a shield, him high on PCP. Waving a gun around. "Just let your children walk away. You don't want to hurt them."_

 _"You're not taking my children!"_

 _Kenny looked at the bleeding out woman on the floor before the sobbing kids in his arms. "They're scared."_

 _He kept the gun leveled at Kenny, as he shoved them off his lap. "Put your gun down and they can go. If not, they'll end up like my wife. Kick it over here."_

 _He looked at the kids again, thinking of Max almost nine months pregnant with their second daughter and almost two-year old Regan at home. I'd die to protect them. Kicking his gun across the room. "Let them go."_

 _"Never!" he screamed, firing at him. "You'll never stop me!"_

 _ **Present:**_

I should tell them, Max thought, looking at her daughters playing with their grandfather, uncle and cousins in the yard, as she chopped vegetables with Sharon and Melanie. He does love them, he reminds me so much of Kenny. They've treated me like their daughter since day one, and…Oh, how do I tell her this? I'm her son's widow. Regan and Natalie don't really know…they think we're just friends. That she's their baby-sitter when we go out. That it's getting serious…that I'm really falling for him. How do I do this?

"Oh, Max," Sharon sighed. "They look so much like Kenny."

They look like themselves, she thought, such a mix of us. "They're pretty great."

"Are you really sending Regan away this summer? I'll miss her so much."

"It's a two-week swim camp…I know she's eight, but she's pretty fast. She's so excited, Sharon. She's already packing, and I keep telling her she has two months."

"What if something happens to her?"

"Regan is a pretty solid eight-year old," she trailed off. Stubborn and hardheaded like her mother, very athletic like her father. "It's hard for me to let her go, but…I'm not going to keep them under lock and key. I want them to experience life."

"Mommy!" Natalie called, running into the kitchen and hugging her. Ignoring her grandmother and aunt, she tugged on her mom's hands. "Mommy, come play with us! The game that Kara taught us."

"Who is Kara?" Melanie asked, sliding the carrots into the salad. "Is she a friend of yours?"

"No, she's our baby-sitter. She's fun."

"Max, you don't need a baby-sitter. We're always available to watch the girls."

You make my girls sad, she thought, nothing but talk of their dead father. I will always love Kenny, but even I feel drained Sunday nights. Videos, pictures, it's practically a shrine here. "Kara is a friend's daughter. She wants to make some pocket money, she's great with Natalie and Regan, she's a really good kid."

"How well do you know her? Where are you going when you leave them with this teenager?"

Out with her dad, Max thought, I can't do this yet. They want me mourning Kenny forever…I'll always miss him. It's been six years and…we were so happy. This, it's different, we're different. I'm not a kid anymore. God, I'm almost 40. "Out with friends, running errands, just stuff."

"Kara is pretty," Natalie said. "We bake cookies."

"She and Regan are on the same swim team. Different levels and stuff, but," Max trailed off. "Which my little ballerina may be interested in too."

Natalie twirled in a circle. "Regan says I'm too slow."

"Your sister is very competitive."

"Just like her father. Nat, do you know your father played five sports?"

"You told me, Grandma. I saw all his trophies. Mommy, can you teach them Kara's game? Regan is doing it wrong."

I don't even know what Kara was playing with them. Something about the tree, a ball, yelling colors and animals. I think she was making it up as she went, while we drank wine on the porch and he grilled. Kara knows, she saw us kissing, and teased her father mercilessly about it. "Let me finish up in here, Kiddo."

"Max," Sharon said. "I was watching your wedding video. I think the girls would love to see it again."

We watch it every other week, if we're not watching other Lacos' home videos. "I think they know that one pretty well. I kind of want to just let them play with their cousins tonight. We have a pretty busy week coming up."

"They should know their father."

Regan was two, Natalie was still in me, when he died. I couldn't even function… Sharon and Hank were there for me, every day. I left Rome, moved here to be by Kenny's family…my family and I've never regretted it. "They know how much he loved them and is always watching over them."

"Of course, they know that," Melanie said, catching her sister in law's eye. "Regan and Natalie are very loved."

"I don't like you leaving them with a baby-sitter, especially some teenager. What if something happens?"

While I'm out with her dad, she thought, even if we just go around the corner to their house to have sex…where he cooks me dinner. I do love being with him…is it love? Oh, I don't if I ready to say those words yet.

 **6 Years Ago**

 _That's my baby, Max thought, stroking back Regan's dark hair as she slept. Not really a baby anymore, she thought, looking at her bulging pregnant stomach. You're going to be such a great big sister to this one. Jumping slightly at the doorbell, she leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Good-night, Sweetheart."_

 _This is kind of neat, she thought, catching sight of herself in the mirror and rubbing her pregnant belly again. How can I be growing a person in me? It was weird with Regan and it's weird with this one. Oh, I can't wait to meet our second daughter. Opening the door, she felt her heart drop to her knees. Don't panic…it could be nothing. It has to be nothing. "Jimmy?"_

 _He looked at his deputy for a long moment, all of 33, nine months pregnant, standing barefoot in nothing but a sweatshirt and leggings. "Max, can we come in?"_

 _She looked at Jill and back at him. "What happened?"_

 _"Max," Jill said. "You should probably sit."_

 _She shook her head, resting her hand on her stomach. "I don't want to know."_

 _"Max," she said again, as she stepped back, the fear clear on her face._

 _"No!"_

 _"Oh, Max," Jill said, wrapping her arms around her young friend. "It's going to be okay."_

 _She shook her head and pushed her away. "What happened?"_

 _Jimmy looked at her again, as she sunk onto the couch. "Max, he went into a domestic situation, where the man was high on PCP, he already shot his wife and was holding a gun on his kids. He saved those kids, Max, but…I'm so sorry. Max, he…Oh, Max."_

 _She let out noise she didn't know that she was capable of as Jimmy ripped out her heart with his words. Feeling the hot tears on her cheeks, she didn't resist, as Jill hugged her on the couch, as she felt her own life ending with his._

 _ **Present**_

"You know how much my mother loves you and your girls," Melanie said, as they sat on the back porch. "And how much she still misses Kenny."

Max nodded, looking at her laughing kids. "I'll always miss him. It's hard sometimes to come here…it's all she wants to talk about."

"Have you moved on?"

She smiled and shrugged. "I felt really guilty for wanting to. Moving here six years ago is something that I'll never regret. You guys are my family, the girls love their cousins, and it was a fresh start for us. I'll always love Kenny, but I can't…I can't just be his widow for your mom."

"Are you seeing someone? I know you've had random dates over the years, that really didn't…you don't really talk about it."

"How do I bring it up here?"

"Kenny was my big brother, and I know how much you two loved each other. You're my friend, Max, and I know he would want you to be happy. He would want you to move on, to find someone else to make you happy."

She bit her lip and looked at her bare ring finger. I cried like a baby the day I put my wedding rings in a box. "It's very new. We're going slowly."

"Do Regan and Natalie know?"

"Not really. They've met him. They think he's my friend, and I guess he is. I think Regan is catching on that it's more and Nat really likes him. We were friends before we decided we wanted…I really like him," Max trailed off. "I think I'm afraid to be happy again…His wife died too. We're both a little nervous about…I really click with him."

 **6 Years Ago**

 _Max held her new daughter, as Regan sat pressed to her side on the couch. One week old, she thought, swallowing back her tears. My perfect and beautiful Natalie. Who will never know her dad and…I can't do this. No, for them, Regan and Natalie, I'm never leaving them. I'll devote my entire life to them. No, I'm not that person. I won't smother them, they'll grow up experiencing life, I'll tell them all about their father. I can't leave them like that. Am I really thinking about doing this? I can't be that impulsive._

 _"You need to eat."_

 _She shook her head, looking back at her kids. "Jill, I'm fine."_

 _She didn't cry at his funeral, Jill thought, or when she had Natalie. Even now, with her new baby and toddler, she looks dead herself. On indefinite leave, until she's ready to come back to work, she got widow's benefits from the department and she looks like she wants to crawl into bed and never come out. "You are not fine."_

 _"How can I be?"_

 _Jill sat down next to her, watching as she shifted a breastfeeding Natalie slightly. "You have beautiful children. Friends and family who love you. Max, you're not alone in this."_

 _"We were supposed to be together forever."_

 _"Max."_

 _"He wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't supposed to leave me."_

 _"Oh, Honey," Jill said, as Regan climbed in her mom's lap and hugged her. "He didn't want to."_

 _"I need him."_

 _"Max."_

 _"I can't do this alone," she whimpered, hugging her kids close to her. "I want Kenny, Jill. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this will all be a nightmare. I didn't know I could hurt this much."_

 _She hugged her young friend for a long moment. "I know. You're not alone."_

 _Yes, I am, she thought. I'll never love anyone again._

 **Present:**

"Grandma made me look at Daddy's yearbook and cried again," Regan said, flopping on a chair on their back porch. "Mom, I don't want to go to Grandma's house again. I'm tired of her crying over my dad."

"Me too," Natalie said, sitting next to her sister. "She makes me cry."

Max sat across from them, more burnt out from it than she wanted to admit. "Why don't we take next Sunday off? We have no swim meets and dance class, right?"

"We were going to go camping, with Kara and her dad," Regan piped up. "Are we, Mom? Really? That would be so much fun."

That would be a huge step, she thought, I think I need to tell them first. "I think we are."

"Are they coming over for dessert tonight?"

Max glanced at her watch before back at her kids. "Like they do every Sunday?"

"Mommy, is Kara's dad your boyfriend?" Regan asked. "I asked Kara and she just laughed. I like him."

Oh, crap, she thought, crap. "Um, I like him too. What would you think if he was?"

Regan smiled and jumped up and hugged her. "Is that why you smile more, Mom? You're not sad about dad?"

He makes me happy, she thought, I never would we would have reconnected like this. I thought I'd be okay with just my kids, until we randomly met at the pool. Oh, I am falling for the guy. Nope, already fallen completely…and they live around the corner from us. "Listen, I loved your dad and he loved you both so much. This will never change that."

"I'm not stupid, Mom. I know that," Regan stated, jumping up. "Kara! Is that a cake?"

Max looked up, as Regan and Natalie ran to meet Kara and her dad who were walking up their driveway. Smiling, she brushed her palms on her jeans, and crossed the yard to them. Smiling, she took his offered hand. "Hi."

"Hi yourself. How was dinner?"

She shook her head. "The same as it always is. Hi, Kara."

"Hi, Max!" she called, as Regan and Natalie chased her across the yard. "Oh, you two little monsters!"

"I suppose they can be," Max sighed. "She's really good with them."

"She always wanted a sibling," he said. "Nah, she likes them."

Max smiled up at him, as they interlocked their fingers together in the settling darkness. "I missed you today."

He looked over at their occupied children before back at her. My sort of girlfriend, he thought, this thing we haven't labeled since we ran into each other two years ago and hesitantly started dating eight months ago. I didn't think we would reconnect like this when I ran into her at swim practice. Max, widowed, alone, with two kids, and gave up her career for a more stable child advocacy job so she can raise them near Kenny's family. We're very different people than who we were in Rome. "Did you tell them about us?"

"I told Melanie I was seeing someone. I'm going to break Sharon's heart…in her eyes I'm supposed to mourn forever. Regan and Nat don't want to go over there anymore, and I don't really blame them."

"Ah, come here, Honey," he said, hugging her for a long moment before kissing her. "I get it, okay? I've been there."

She smiled up at him, before kissing him again. This isn't who I expected to fall for, even if it was simmering before Kenny and I got together. "I know."

"It's a beautiful night, Max. Do you want to light the fire pit and let them roast some marshmallows?"

I love these late Sundays, she thought, I never want them to leave. I can't believe that Kara Littleton is 15, I remember that sweet girl that sometimes came with her dad to the office. Now she baby-sits my kids. "Sounds like a plan, John."

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**6 Years Ago**

 _"I can't stay here," Max said, looking across the kitchen to a happily occupied Regan and Natalie with their grandmother. "I have too many memories and…I can't. I'm sorry. I want to raise my kids by their family."_

 _One month, Jimmy thought. "You can't abandon your entire life, Max. Everything is too raw for you to make that decision."_

 _"I need to do what is best for my kids."_

 _"What about you? Max, your entire life is here."_

 _She looked up at her boss and friend. Kenny killed in the line of duty… "Kenny died doing his job, he saved those kids from… I can't let my kids end up orphans. I need to be there for them and they need their family. I put the house on the market and…I need this."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"Dad doesn't understand," Kara said, sitting across the kitchen table from Max. "He's so…ugh sometimes. I think he wishes I was still a kid like Nat and Regan."

"I remember you when you were five," Max said. "He used to bring you into the station and you slept on his office couch."

"But I'm not a kid. It's a belly ring, it's not like I want to get a face tattoo."

"You need to present him with a rational argument. He's a lawyer, Kara, and argues for a living. Present him with a clear and concise case to sway him. Maybe not mention a face tattoo."

She grinned at that before turning serious. "My dad really likes you. Like seriously likes you."

Max nodded, glancing outside as Regan and Natalie played in his backyard with him. "I like him too."

"I think it's romantic that you found each other after all those years. Dad has terrible taste in women. They all tried way too hard. Yeah, I'm supposed to be a moody teenager and hate you, but I like you too...and those little monsters. Dad is so much happier since you started going out…do you think that will make him relent on the belly ring?"

"Maybe," Max admitted. "My monsters like you too. Should we join them?"

* * *

 **2 Years Ago**

 _"Max? Maxine Stuart?"_

 _She looked up from where she was filling out registration for swim team for her six-year-old fish and dropped her pen in shock. "John? Hi."_

 _He looked at her for a long moment. "What are you doing in Chicago? At a pool? Are these your kids?"_

 _She nodded. "Yeah. This is Regan and Natalie. Regan is a fish, so we're going to try out swim team and get Nat registered for classes."_

 _"In Chicago?"_

 _She looked down at her kids before back at him. It's been eight years, she thought, we lost touch and…John Littleton. "It's a lot and…How are you?"_

 _"I'm reregistering Kara for the team. She's 13. I'm good, Max."_

 _"Kara is 13?"_

 _"It's been a long time. You have kids. Wait, you and Kenny got married. That I know. So, these are your kids…aren't his parents in Chicago?"_

 _Max nodded, looking down at them before back at him. "His whole family is. They're our family and…hold on. Nat, here. It's okay."_

 _John suppressed a smile, as she squatted down to wipe the juice from the little girls face and hand her back her dropped stuffed animal. Maxine Stuart…no I guess Lacos. She and Kenny moved here to be closer to his family and… "We should catch up."_

 _She looked up, smoothing back Natalie's hair. "I'd like that."_

 _"Dad!"_

 _Max stood up, a bit shocked at the 13-year-old in front of her. Kara Littleton, she was a little older than Nat than the last time I saw her. That sweet girl, who held her dad's hand, and colored on his office sofa. "This is Kara?"_

 _"Dad, who is this?"_

 _"This is Max…I'm assuming Lacos?" John said, as she nodded. "You knew her when you were a kid, Kara, when we lived in Wisconsin. She was a deputy I worked with. Her daughter, Regan, is joining your swim team."_

 _"That weird town?"_

 _Max smiled despite herself. "It had character. Kara, you were barely five the last time I saw you. This is a surprise, really."_

 _"Why are you in Chicago?"_

 _I don't think John knows, she thought, and I don't want to talk about it here. "Just a fresh start."_

 _John caught a flash of pain in her eyes and frowned. Something is off. Kenny's family is from here, she isn't wearing a wedding ring…something is off. "We should catch up sometime, Max."_

 _She nodded at that, as Regan tugged on her hand. I always did like talking to him. "Uh, we should, but I have to get these two home and fed. Maybe we'll see you here?"_

 _John nodded, watching her ease with her children. "Wait. Here. My cell is on the back."_

 _Max took his offered card. "Thanks. Um, yeah, I'll call you sometime."_

* * *

 _ **Presen**_ **t**

"Just wait," John said, handing her a glass of wine. "Your time with teenagers will come, Max."

"Nope. They're going to stay this age."

John smiled at her, as he joined her on his back porch. "You're in the pro-belly-ring camp? Seriously, Honey, she gave me a legal brief on why she should be allowed to get one."

"She's all you, John. Come on, it's a belly ring. The hole will close up as soon as it comes out."

"I want you to remember this conversation in eight years when Regan is dating a biker and wanting a nose ring."

"Regan will probably be the biker," she sighed, as he nuzzled her neck a bit, before kissing her. "Oh, they're upstairs."

"Kara knows, Regan figured it out…What do you say we really sit down and talk about it with them? It's not a huge secret with us, except with your kids and."

She looked up at that. "My kids really like you. As for…you don't Sharon and Hank. They were so good to me and…Sharon never got over Kenny's death. Me, the girls…"

"Max, I get it. I've been there."

She looked at him for a long moment. He took me to meet his mom, back before we started dating…and she fussed over the three of us. I do really like her; my girls do and…this isn't fair. "I don't want to hurt them, but…okay. I'll tell them."

* * *

 **2 Years Ago**

" _It is a small world," Max admitted, as they finally sat down to drinks two weeks later. My kids with their grandparents and Kara at a sleepover. Smiling nervously at him. "Neighbors to boot, huh?"_

 _Two streets over, John thought, really looking at her. She's solo. No Kenny. "I've thought about you over the years. I heard Regan is doing great on the team."_

 _"She's an athlete…she could swim the width of the pool when she was two. Nat is a bit more hesitant with it. Kara seems to be a star. I guess we just lost touch?"_

 _"We were friends. I lost touch with everyone in Rome…I remember hearing you and Kenny got married," he said, as she fiddled with her drink. "There wasn't much after that, you know, life takes over. Kara has been swimming since we moved back here. How are you, Max?"_

 _"We did get married," she said softly, looking down at her drink and back at him. "You told me I was a lonely person, and I wasn't with him."_

 _"Max, what happened? He's not here with you?"_

 _He'll never be with me again. My kids will never know their father…I won't go back to that dark spot I was in. I'm okay for them. Kenny wouldn't want me wallowing in self-pity. And I am okay most of the time. I'm not Sharon crying over pictures and videos. "I wanted Regan and Nat to be near their family and…John, Kenny was killed in the line of duty four and a half years ago."_

 _John reached out and took her hand in his. "Max, I am so sorry. I had no idea."_

 _She shook her head, as he squeezed her hand tightly. "I'm okay, John."_

 _"What happened? Sorry, you don't," he said. "Max."_

 _She shook her head and told him about the situation he walked in on. "I was very pregnant with Natalie, I had her the day after his funeral…I couldn't stay there."_

 _John nodded, running his thumb over the back of her hand. "I know how that goes."_

 _"I was a wreck. I couldn't take care of myself, my girls, I was so numb and…his parents stayed with me for a month. I had to get it together, if not for me, for my kids and…I couldn't stay there. I sold our house, our stuff, I only kept what was important. I needed a fresh start. I didn't think I'd get through it."_

 _"I know."_

 _"And I am okay. It took me awhile to be. It's great being by Kenny's family, my girls get to see their cousins, grandparents, everyone…I stayed with Sharon and Hank for about six months here. I had to get it together after that."_

 _John nodded, just looking at her. This isn't fair. It wasn't fair when Deanna died, and it isn't with her and Kenny either. Her kids were younger than Kara when he died, god she was pregnant when it happened. "And you did?"_

 _She smiled despite the subject. "Well, I started with showering regularly."_

 _He smiled back at her. "I'm sure that was appreciated."_

 _"What about you? The last eight years, John, fill me in."_

 _"Legal aid, helping those who can't help themselves. Raising Kara. I do good work here, Max. Chicago PD?"_

 _"No. I couldn't…I didn't want to leave my kids orphaned," she said softly. "Child advocacy, it's normal hours, I get to help people and still be home to cook dinner."_

 _She sounds like me, John thought, work and kids. Why am I still holding her hand? There is a world of hurt in her. I know this loss…It's been 10 years since Deanna died and it still catches me off guard sometimes. "Max, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."_

 _She held his gaze, suddenly very aware of her hand in his. "Thanks."_

 _"You want another drink?"_

 _"I really do."_

* * *

 _ **Present:**_

"John!" Max laughed, as he tackled her back on her couch. "Oh, stop! John!"

"Stop what?" he teased, kissing her for a long moment. "We are kid free for another 20 minutes."

She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back. "We can do a lot in 20 minutes."

"Name it."

She kissed him again, before snuggling in close and resting her head on his chest. "I like this…I should be food prepping."

He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tighter. My Max, he thought, brushing her long hair back…the first time I've ever really felt something for another woman beside Deanna. Both of us skittish…falling for her. "Stop being responsible. We only have 18 now."

She smiled at that, as she rubbed her hand across his chest. "I don't want to move."

He kissed her cheek before moving onto exploring her mouth with his. Hearing her sigh of contentment as she sunk into his arms and kissed him back. My Max, he thought again, as she shifted slightly under him. "Not even a little?"

"Hmm," she sighed. "What are you doing to me?"

"I like to think I'm seducing you."

"You're doing a fine job of it," she laughed, as he kissed her again. Hmm, she thought, relishing his hands slipping into her waistband. Eight months… "Don't stop."

"Oh my god!" Get off her!"

What the hell, Max thought, as John yelped in pain and grabbed his head. "John?"

"Get off her! Hank, call 911!"

No, no, no, Max thought, as she eased John off her. "Are you okay? John?"

"What the hell?" he asked, rubbing his head. "I'm fine, Max."

"What are you doing here?" Max asked, standing up slowly and looking at her in-laws. "You can't just walk into my house…Put the phone down."

"That man was attacking you!" Sharon cried. "Hold him down, Hank!"

"He wasn't attacking me," she said. I'm going to destroy Sharon. They're going to hate me. "I didn't want you to find out like this, I didn't know how to tell you…This is John. We've been seeing each other. Um, John, this is Sharon and Hank Lacos. Regan and Natalie's grandparents."

Kenny's mom just tried to knock me out with her purse, John thought, standing slowly. Max looks pretty freaked out. "It's nice to meet you. I actually knew Kenny, the three of us worked together in Rome."

"How dare you touch my son's wife!"

Max winced at that, feeling somewhat comforted as John laid his hand on the small of her back, as she saw the dawn of realization on Hank's face. "Sharon, will you listen to me? Please?"

"Dad? Max?" Kara called. "We're back! Oh, hi."

"You send you children off with this child, so you can do this? This would make Kenny sick! Natalie, Regan, get your things. You aren't staying here," Sharon cried. "How dare you!"

"You aren't taking my kids anywhere."

"Sharon," Hank said quietly, looking at his daughter in law. "Max, we're very sorry for interrupting. Sharon, let's go home. We can talk about this when we're calmer."

"John!" Natalie cried, running across the living room and hugging him. "I did a flip turn today!"

Nat is attached, Max thought, more so than Regan…who idolizes Kara. Oh, crap. And he is so good with both of them…Oh, he's hugging her back, in the midst of this. Nat is my ball of sunshine. "That's probably a good idea."

"Grandma," Regan sighed. "John makes Mom happy. Me and Nat like him and Kara. She doesn't have to cry all the time and be sad because my dad died."

Now I'm going to cry, she thought, my wise beyond her years kid. We do have this weird domestic, family, vibe, of late. Crossing the room, she wrapped her arm around Regan. She's still only a kid. A stubborn, hardheaded, kid. "Sharon, I'll call you later."

* * *

 _ **6 Years Ago**_

 _"It's okay, Max," Sharon said. "The girls are sleeping."_

 _I need to get it together. I can't keep being this lump. "Thanks."_

 _"How are you doing, Sweetheart?" she asked, smoothing back her daughter in laws hair. "You are welcome here for as long as you want."_

 _I more or less fled Rome, she thought, a month ago…why can't I get it together? "Thanks."_

 _"Oh, Max," she said, as she wiped her tears. "Come here."_

 _I miss you, she thought, I can't do this alone._

* * *

 **Present:**

"Honey?"

She looked up from where she had laid her head in her arms on the table. "That was awful. I was gearing up to tell them Sunday and…I am so sorry."

"You, Regan and Nat are her last connections to Kenny."

"I know…every conversation Sharon and I have is about him. It was okay for a while, but…I've moved on. And it was hard, it hurt…and I felt like I betrayed him, our marriage, the whole thing."

"I know."

She looked at him for a long moment. "How long did it take you?"

"To move on from Deanna?" he asked, as she nodded. "Years, Max. Not many women sparked my interest since her. I was okay raising Kara alone. I thought there may have been something with us back in Rome, but it wasn't until we reconnected here that I…"

"That what?"

He reached up, stroked her cheek and just smiled at her for a long moment. "Max, Honey, I'm in love with you. You don't have to say it back. Not until you're ready."

She caught his hand in hers, as he her heart leapt into her throat. "I love you too, John."

* * *

 **2 Years Ago**

 _"You're friends with Mommy?" Regan asked, sizing him up. "Is that a cake?"_

 _John glanced at Max, who was helping Natalie with her shoes. She does look good…she lights up around her kids. "I knew your mom a long time ago."_

 _"Did you know my dad too?"_

 _John nodded. She looks exactly like her mom, except with Kenny's eyes. "The three of us were friends. She knew Kara when she was your sister's age."_

 _"Kara is a good swimmer," Regan stated. "Mommy! Kara's dad is here!"_

 _"Hi, Kara's dad," Max said, as Natalie pressed close to her side. "And Kara."_

 _She looks happy, he thought, not as torn up as she did last week at the bar. "Hi yourself."_

 _"Kara," Regan said, grabbing her hand. "I want to show you my room. Please?"_

 _"Dad," Kara sighed. "Really?"_

 _"Kara, come on. Nat, stop being shy," Regan stated. "They're going to do adult talk. Work, math, how great we are. Come on."_

 _"Is she always like this?" Kara asked, looking at Max._

 _"Yeah. She takes after me," Max said, as Regan took her sister's hand. My relentless, determined, smart, kid. Unlike my shy little Nat, who is just a ball of sunshine when she comes out of her shell. Ah, they are great. "Kara, you don't have to."_

 _Kara frowned, looking at her and back at her dad. Breaking into a grin, she shook her head. "I don't want to talk about math. "Come on, you little monsters."_

 _"Regan is like you," John said, after a long moment. "Kara says she leads the 8-unders around at practice."_

 _"I'm hoping she will use her powers for good," Max smiled, uncorking a bottle of wine. "I'm glad you guys came over tonight."_

 _"I didn't realize I missed hanging out with you until," he said, watching her pour. I can really talk to her, differently than most people. "Me too."_

 _She handed him a glass. "We don't have to talk about math. Despite what Regan thinks."_

 _He grinned back at her. Ah, Max, he thought, I did miss her. "I like this house."_

 _"Me too," she admitted. "I thought about living downtown, the heart of the city and all, but…I liked the idea of you know, house, yard…maybe I'm just small-town girl at heart?"_

 _This is two streets over from me, and that makes a huge difference. How did she afford this? She works for a non-profit, it isn't cheap…Ah, Max. Don't push her on it. "I'm glad you moved out here."_

 _She looked back at him. God, John Littleton, she thought, I think it's nice to have a real friend again. Someone who knows me. "So am I…close enough to get to downtown, see family, but…I really like it here."_

 _He studied her for a long moment. Smiling, he thought, the ease and love she has with her kids, there is some sadness in her, Kenny dying crushed her, but…this Max. She gave up her life to make a better one for her kids and she seems okay. She looks good too, what am I thinking? This is Max. "How far from your in-laws are you?"_

 _"It's about 20 minutes. They wanted me to buy a house on their block, most of the family lives on the same block, but…they've been wonderful to me."_

 _"Smothering?"_

 _She smiled and shook her head. "I'm so grateful to them, and I feel awful for even thinking it. John, do know I was a wreck for the better part of a year, and they took care of me, my kids, and…I'm okay because of them. I think if I stayed there, practically next door…"_

 _He didn't take his eyes off her, as they leaned back against her kitchen counters. "You can tell me."_

 _"And I hate that I can even think this."_

 _"Spill it."_

 _"That I would always be Kenny's widow," she said softly, looking down for a moment. "That they wouldn't let me be anything else."_

 _"Max," he said carefully, as she looked back at him. "He wouldn't want that for you."_

 _"I know. It would have been so easy to just…to be that. To let that be my life."_

 _"What do you want?"_

 _"I want my kids to be happy, safe, loved. I want to help the kids I work with. I have some friends and family and."_

 _"For yourself. Are you seeing anyone?"_

 _She looked at him seriously. "Dating? If I was bad before, I'm worse now. I've been set up so many times…I don't know. I feel like I'm betraying…and it's been four years. We talked about it, what we would do if one of us died. That we would want the other one to move on, be happy and…it's one thing to say it, it's another to do it."_

 _"I know."_

 _"What about you?"_

 _Ten years since Deanna died when Kara was three, and there was one two-year relationship, a handful of short term and it's not because I couldn't move on. "Nothing serious. I know how hard it is."_

 _"Eight months after," she started. "I went to the gym, Mel made me, she started dragging me out with her. I met this trainer there, and he was just this gorgeous man. He had about 12 pack and…probably the most perfect looking man on the planet. We had sex in an equipment room, I wanted to feel something again and…God, I just sobbed afterward, and he fled from me. I haven't been back to the gym and still pay a membership fee because I'm too chicken to go in and cancel my membership. I can't believe I just told you that either."_

 _Impulsive and reckless, he thought, it's still in her. "Are you laughing?"_

 _She nodded. "I was mortified about this…and I know I was pathetic when I did that…why is it funny to me now? I'm a horrible person who traumatized what was basically a Greek God."_

 _Ah, Max, he thought, laughing along with her. She's healing, he thought, that's what this is even if she doesn't know it yet. "What are you cooking? It smells great."_

 **TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**6 Years Ago**

 _Max nodded, wrapping the blanket around herself, as she flipped through a photo album with Sharon._

 _"I miss him so much, Max."_

 _Max nodded, swallowing back her tears, as she looked at the pictures of Kenny as a child. Oh, I miss you…I just want one more kiss, him to hold my hand and…I can't do this. How could he just leave me alone with our kids? He never got to even meet Nat. Regan will never remember how much he loved her, how she learned to swim with him, and what a softie she made her tough guy dad. This isn't fair, I'll never get over it and…No._

 _"You are home with us now. We'll always take care of you and the kids."_

 _Max nodded, not being able to stop her tears from flowing, as she sunk back into the couch cushions._

 _"You two have to stop," Melanie said, watching from the doorway. "Max, stop. Look at me. Kenny wouldn't want you to do this. I know it's only been six months, and I know how much you're hurting. You need to get it together. Regan and Natalie need you. Kenny would want you to be okay, he loved you so much, and would be dragging you off the couch himself if he could."_

 _"But he can't."_

 _"Oh, Max," Melanie said, handing her a tissue. "Mom, stop doing this to her. Come on, you're going to take a shower, then we're getting your kids dressed and we're going to the park. No arguments. Come on."_

* * *

 **Present:**

They stared at each other across the kitchen table with that revelation, before Max burst into giggles and buried her face in her hands again. "I'm sorry…it's just…John."

"Ah, come here," he said, pulling her up and hugging her tightly. "They're not walking back in on us?"

Max buried her face in his chest, as he rubbed her back and tried to control her laughter. I can't move, she thought, I need to get it together right now. I just told him that…Oh. Tell him again. Get it together, she thought, as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. Oh, I do love him…I didn't expect it, I wasn't looking for this. Taking a long breath, she wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him. "I love you, John."

"Twice in two minutes?" he teased, breaking into a grin. "I love you too."

She kissed him for a long moment, overwhelmed by the day and what they had just said. "Now what?"

"I think we had a mini-golf date with those kids upstairs?" he said. This is big for her, let her feel it out, process it…she's going to have some doubt and regrets…let her. Be there for her. "Loser buys ice cream?"

"Oh, it's a deal," she said, not wanting to leave his snug embrace, as he kissed her again. "We should stop."

"Seriously, Dad," Kara sighed, as Regan and Nat trailed behind her into the kitchen. "Let Max breathe."

"Kiss her!" Nat piped up, hugging Regan. "Kiss her again!"

"Want to be the tiebreaker, Regan?" John asked, seeing Max flush. "Your mom is turning pretty red."

"Grandma hit you in the head for kissing my mom," Regan stated. "Is Grandma mad at you for kissing John, Mom?"

Max shifted slightly in John's arms, so she wasn't pressed so tightly against him. Oh, how do I explain this to her? "She was surprised, Regan. I hadn't told her yet."

"But why should she be mad because you and John like kissing each other?"

Because I'm still just Kenny's widow in her eyes…and she wants me on her couch, looking at pictures, videos, crying over him. He would hate if I did that, I know that deep down in my gut. "It's complicated."

"Mom, I'm not dumb."

"Your grandma loves you dad," Kara said. "And if your mom and my dad are together, she thinks that her and you two won't want to spend time with her. My grandma, both of them, did the same thing with me and Dad. I don't remember my mom, like you don't remember your dad, and I think it's why it's easier for us than it is for our grandmas and our parents. Does that make any sense, Regan?"

Regan nodded, as she looked back at Max and John. "It's why Grandma is so sad and makes us sad?"

Damn, Kara, Max thought, she hit the nail on the head with that. Easing out of John's arms, she gulped back her tears as Regan ran to her and hugged her tightly. "I think so, Kiddo."

Regan looked at her seriously. "I like when you're happy, Mom, like when we spend time with John and Kara. Is he going to be mine and Nat's dad? Are you going to be Kara's mom?"

* * *

 ** _5 Years Ago_**

 _Max looked at herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom. I'm better than this. What did I do to myself? Too thin, my hair a stringy mess, unemployed…this is not me. I can barely take care of my kids, much less myself. Kenny would hate that I did this to myself. Damn it, Max, get it together._

 _"Mommy?"_

 _"Hey, Kiddo," she said, wrapping her arms around Regan. "How is my favorite two-year old?"_

 _"Mommy, you smell bad. Like Nat's diapers."_

 _That's my girl, she thought, I need to be okay for her. I can do this. "Okay. Well, I'm going to shower, clean up, and why don't you, me and Nat go to the park? Just the three of us."_

 _Regan hugged her tighter and touched her greasy hair. "I love you, Mommy."_

 _Max squeezed her back. "Oh, I love you too, Regan. So much."_

* * *

 **Present:**

Way too heavy, Max thought, looking at Regan. Eight months, with the first few being very slow and us feeling it out. John is wonderful with them, but…Crap. "I think that is a conversation for another day. How about mini-golf and ice cream?"

"Yes!" Natalie said, running to John and tugging on his hand. "Can I have a piggyback ride, John? Please?"

This is something we have to talk about, he thought, catching her eye and seeing a bit of panic. Ah, Max, stay with me here. Mini-golf, sugar, sleep on it. "Come on up, Nat."

* * *

 **5 Years ago**

 _"Max, you can stay," Sharon said. "Why do you want to leave? It's so far away…If you want to buy a house, there are several right down the street. Your whole family is here."_

 _Because I'm sad here. Just like in Rome, surrounded by memories that still crush me. "You know, it's 20 minutes from here by train. It's such a sweet little bungalow, with a yard, a good school system, parks, and…I need to do this, Sharon. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet again and provide for my kids. I can't live off my…god, my widow benefits, forever. They can let me afford this for them."_

 _"Give her some space, Sharon," Hank said, taking stock of his daughter-in-law, who had finally put on some of the weight she lost and cut her hair. "Max, you know you always have a home with us. You and the girls."_

 _She nodded at that. I need to breathe, I can't here. They've been so wonderful to me, and Sharon is sitting here sobbing. She lost her son, I lost my husband…this isn't fair and it would be so easy to curl up into a ball and cry again. For my kids. This is for them. "I know. We'll be here every Sunday night."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"Big day, huh?" John said, watching as their three girls split a giant sundae. "That thing is a huge bribe."

She winced a bit at that. "I know. I'll foot their therapy bill for it."

He wrapped his arm around her on the ice cream shop porch swing, as their girls giggled at the table together. "Kara and Regan are pretty sharp."

"When Kara said all that to Regan? God, John, she is amazing, she has to be the most put together 15-year old on the planet. She was right. And Regan? She point blank told me she wouldn't go to her grandparents again until Sharon stopped sobbing over Kenny's old socks."

"Does she?"

"He won the state basketball championships wearing them in high school," Max trailed off. It's not like I don't do the same thing, sometimes. I have a trunk of his things…important things, pictures and…put away for my girls. I moved on…God, I really have. "Damn it."

He squeezed her tightly and passed her a tissue. "It's okay."

She wiped her tears and shook her head. "I'm not crying over Kenny…I just realized I really moved on."

"You're just realizing that?" John asked, glancing back toward their kids. "Max, you've been moving on for years."

"I faked it for awhile and cried myself to sleep. It got real, and I did."

He smiled at her and tugged on her ponytail. "You okay?"

She let out a long breath. "I think so…it's not just this, us, either. I'm good. Really."

"It's you admitting it to yourself?"

"Get out of my head," she sighed. "Yeah. And not turning into a blubbering mess."

"Mommy!" Nat called, running over and jumping in her lap. "I'm going to throw up."

"Nat," she said, jumping up and grabbing her hand, as she vomited all over John, before bursting into tears against her leg. "Oh, Sweetie, it's okay."

* * *

 **5 Years Ago:**

 _"What do you think, Kiddos?" Max asked, as they sat on the new couch in the living room. "Do you approve, Regan?"_

 _She snuggled in close to her, as Max bounced a giggling Natalie on her knee. "No Grandma?"_

 _"Nope, just the three of us," she said, leaning back with Nat, and not bursting into tears over that. Just us. We're good here. This bungalow, with its hardwood floors, white walls, all that ornate woodwork, with this huge fireplace and a yard. It's our home now…Kenny would have approved. No, stop it Max, it's just you now and I approve of it. "And I painted you a stellar yellow room."_

 _Regan smiled and hugged her. "I love you, Mommy. Nat too."_

 _Do not cry, she commanded herself, as she hugged both of her girls and looked at the new furniture and the boxes of stuff she had actually kept and stored from their old life. It's so much…one day at a time, that's all I can do. "Why don't the three of us order a pizza and start putting your room away?"_

* * *

 **Present:**

"Are you going to be Regan and Nat's Dad?" Kara asked, watching as he cleaned the vomit off his pants. "You and Max brushed that off pretty quickly."

"Max and I have only been dating for eight months."

"Come on, Dad," she said, looking toward the bathroom where Max was cleaning up Nat with Regan. "You are so in love with her. I'm not a kid like them. It's so romantic that you two found each other again."

"You do know Max was never my girlfriend in Rome? She was this really prickly deputy, who was great at irritating and aggravating me."

"I thought you were friends?"

"Ah, we were. She just knew how to push my buttons."

"I like her, Dad. She makes you smile. Did you know her husband?"

He looked at the bathroom door and back to Kara. "I did. We all worked together. He was a good guy. I know how much Max loved him and how happy they were."

"They really like you…Dad, you're the best dad. And if you want to be their dad, I'd be cool with that."

How did she get so grown up? I blinked and suddenly she's 15, telling me all this? "I'll take that under advisement."

"Stop being a lawyer, Dad," she said, jumping up. "Nat!"

John looked up, smiling to himself as Kara crossed the porch to them and taking Regan's hand in hers, as Nat pressed close to Max's side. Standing slowly, he walked across to them. "Hey, how you feeling, Kiddo?"

"I wanna go home."

Max rubbed her back, squeezing her tightly to her, as she threw up on John's shoes this time. "That's where we're going, Sweetie. Oh, Nat, Honey, get it all out."

John ignored the stench, squatted down next to her and wiped her face. "Pretty gross, huh?"

She nodded, her eyes welling up with tears as he unzipped his sweatshirt and wrapped it around her. "Sorry."

He caught Max's eye, as he picked up a sick and sleepy Natalie. "The keys are in my pocket, Honey. Let's get her home, okay?"

* * *

 **5 Years Ago:**

 _"This is charming," Hank said, as she relented to hosting Sunday dinner. "You've done a really nice job with it, Max."_

 _She leaned up against the counter and took a long sip of her wine. "I'm really liking it too. It's a great neighborhood."_

 _"You've made friends here?"_

 _Superficially, she thought, ones I can be this new Max with. Single mom, child advocate, and for whatever reason I joined a book club and knitting circle with some of them. The ones that don't see me as just Kenny's widow or that balled up mess on the couch. "Some. The girls too, they love their preschool, I like my job. I'm doing good."_

 _"Are you dating anyone?"_

 _She choked on her wine and spit in the sink. Wiping her mouth, she stared at him with that. "What? No. God, no. I can't imagine…It's way too soon, I don't know when it will ever not be too soon. I can't ever imagine wanting to. Hank, Kenny was the love of my life."_

 _"You're way too young to be thinking like that way. Kenny wouldn't want you too."_

 _"Kenny isn't here anymore," she said softly, gulping back her tears and wrapping her arms around herself. He died. He left me here all alone with our kids. Stop it, Max, he died saving those kids lives. He didn't want to leave us. "I miss him."_

 _Hank hugged his daughter in law for a long moment. "I know you do. You always will. You need to allow yourself to be happy again. Not just for the girls, but for you too."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"How are you feeling, Kiddo?" Max asked, stroking back Nat's dark hair. "No more tummy ache?"

She shook her head and snuggled in close to her mom. "Does John hate me?"

Max hugged her close and shook her head. John who carried my baby to the car, all wrapped up in his sweatshirt and into the house, after he left his vomit covered shoes in the parking lot. John who tucked her in, after I helped her shower it all off, while Regan and Kara watched a movie. John who gave Regan a big hug, kissed me good-night, oh how I wanted him to stay. "No. John really likes you and Regan, Nat. A little vomit won't change that."

"It was a lot. Mommy?"

My little ball of sunshine, she thought, smoothing out her hair. "Nat?"

"Is John going to be my Daddy? You didn't answer Regan last night."

Max gulped at that. I don't know how to answer it. "Well, John is my very special friend. Past that, I don't know yet."

"Mommy, you love him, and he loves you."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you kiss him."

John is a very good kisser, she thought, and the sex…I really like our sex life. I love him. God, I do love him. Their Daddy…That is something I'm not ready to deal with…it's only been eight months. "Is your tummy up for breakfast? Maybe a big plate of veggies?"

"Mommy!"

"Something good for your poor tummy."

"Mommy, no!"

"All green and crunchy?"

"Mommy, stop being silly."

Max smiled, as Natalie snuggled in closer to her and hugged. "How pancakes? Those big fluffy ones?"

Natalie nodded, climbing out of her mother's bed, and pulling on her hand. "Come on, Mommy."

She groaned internally at the doorbell. It's way too early on a Sunday for this. Pulling back her hair in a ponytail, she looked back at her six-year old. "Tell you what, go brush your teeth, and I'll see who that is."

"Is it John? Are you going to kiss him?"

Max smiled at that. It's way too early, and he's having breakfast with his Mom. That we bowed out of last night when Nat got sick. "Yup. For a long time."

Natalie giggled, as Max jogged down the stairs to the front door. Please not Sharon and Hank…I can't this early. Or that garden club lady. Wrenching the door open. "Hi."

"My mother is having a nervous breakdown," Melanie stated. "What did you do?"

"Do you want coffee?" Max asked. "I really need some right now."

"Can you add a shot to it?"

Max smiled at that, despite everything. "That I can swing. Maybe even two."

"Who is he?" she asked, sitting at her breakfast bar. "Mom is calling you a slut for cheating on Kenny…betraying your marriage, the whole fire and brimstone thing…especially because he's black. She's going on about that too. Why do they still have a key?"

"I don't know. I wasn't exactly in my right mind then," she said, sliding her a cup of coffee. "I have kalua and whiskey."

"Since when do you drink whiskey? Oh, is it his? Your black lover likes whiskey? Heavy pour, Max, she's driving me nuts. See, she's calling now. Ignore. Spill it. Not the whiskey. About him."

Max took a long drink of her non-spiked coffee and looked at her sister in law. "Do you really want to hear this?"

"Kenny was my big brother, and I loved him. I know how happy you two were and how miserable…we're friends. He would want you to be happy. You know that. Don't start crying. You can't make pancakes if you're sobbing."

She shook her head and swallowed back her tears. "His name is John. He is a legal aid lawyer. He lives two streets over from us and has a teenage daughter. Yes, it's his whiskey and he is black. My kids adore him, they're on swim team with Kara, his daughter, and."

"And what?" she asked, as Max looked away. "Wait…John the lawyer? They guy you knew at Rome and ran into at the pool? That John? The one that you two used to work with?"

"That John."

"Kenny knew him."

"We were all friends. Kenny and I were cops and he was the district attorney. What?"

"The two of you…back in Rome, were you with him?"

"What? No, God, no. He was a friend, when he wasn't antagonizing me. We argued a lot, we had a lot of different ideas and opinions on cases. No, we weren't…just no."

"What happened? Why now?"

* * *

 **2 Years Ago:**

 _"Hey, Neighbor."_

" _Do you know I've lived here for almost four years and never ran into you?" Max said, as they looked at each other in the liquor store. "Now, I swear, it's every other day I see you."_

 _At the pool he thought, the grocery store, out at the park with her kids, even with her new friends…I'm not sure what to make of this Max. She is still prickly, a huge softie with her kids, and I think it took her a long time to pull herself together. "Do you want to grab dinner sometime this week? Post swim practice or something? I promised Kara a trip to Paco's Tacos."_

 _"We don't want to intrude."_

 _"Max, come on. We're friends, right? I think Regan won Kara over."_

 _"Regan has that effect on people. Yeah, tacos would be great. You know I can't resist greasy food. Oh, and this basket of booze isn't all for me. Hank and Sharon are hosting a bigger than usual dinner on Sunday and…yeah."_

 _"You look thrilled."_

 _She broke into a genuine grin. "No, it'll be fun. Really. It's the whole family, the girls love their cousins. It's all their family friends too."_

 _"You look thrilled," he repeated._

 _She smiled and shook her head. "Sharon called me last night and…she cried on the phone for an hour and I'm not this cold and heartless…I put her on speaker and did the dishes, and food prepped for the week. She drains me, emotionally, and then I feel guilty because they took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself."_

 _"Don't apologize to me," he said. "Max, come on, don't be ashamed that you can focus on the good of it, and not dwell on the loss. Come on, pay for that basket of booze, and I'll buy you a hot dog unless you have to run off to garden club."_

 _She groaned, as she unpacked her basket on the counter. "Garden club is going to kill me. If I don't kill the plants first. I don't know what I was thinking with that one. The book club is at least an excuse to day drink wine."_

 _I like her, he thought, she's still prickly, but there is something different. It's how she's such a softie with her kids…it would have been so easy for her to be overprotective and shelter them, but…instead she really lets them follow their own path, even as young as they are. That she is trying new things, the Max I knew would have scoffed at book and garden clubs, that she makes a real effort with Kenny's family, she really likes advocating for children, still prickly, hardheaded, stubborn, she's guarding her heart, even when she smiles at me like that. "You need an excuse for wine? We've killed a few bottles on your porch."_

 _She smiled back at him, his teasing warming her from within. No, Max, no, don't even think that. This is John Littleton, who somehow has become one of my closest friends. "You are welcome anytime to drink on my porch with me."_

 _"It's a great porch. I'm taking you up on that. What are you doing Saturday post swim meet?"_

 _"I'm hosting a sleepover…Regan's first one. I have eight six-year-olds coming over to sleep in my basement. I am out of mind, John…they're going to realize they out number me and you may never see me again. It's going to be like Lord of Flies."_

 _His grin broadened as she locked her booze in the car. She is adorable, and she'd hate that. "With Regan leading them to victory? You better enjoy this hot dog. It may be our last meal together."_

 _She smiled up at him, fighting a flickering urge deep down inside of herself, as she realized how close they were standing. Not him. He's not like the random guys I've been sleeping with…that I don't talk about. Just random sex. "Then I'm getting chili on mine."_

 _He reached out, before he could think better of it and took her hand in his. Crap, what am I doing? Smiling at her, he caught her look of surprise. "This way, My Friend."_

 **TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Present:**

"Why now? I don't know. We just click. I can talk to him. He gets me," Max trailed off. "I didn't plan on this, I was okay alone, but we…he makes me happy in a way I didn't think I could be again."

Mel really looked at her. "How serious is it?"

Serious enough that my kids want him to be their dad. That I'm not repulsed by the idea of John raising my kids. With being a family with him and Kara…That I'm intrigued and scared by it. This isn't the family I pictured when I first got married, had Regan…This is what life does. It threw me a curveball and sent me down a new path. It was a dark path in the beginning, but I found my way back to the light. "I love him, Mel."

* * *

 **2 Years Ago:**

 _"Is this Max Lacos who somehow survived a sleepover? I thought I'd have to rescue you from being tied up in your basement."_

 _She looked up from her book at swim practice, as John plopped on the bleachers next to her. "Ha. I tamed them with baking cookies, arts and crafts and movies."_

 _"What did you do to that one?" he asked, looking at Natalie sleeping with her head in her lap. "What was in those cookies?"_

 _She smiled at him, stroking back Nat's silky hair. "This one was at ballet before swim lessons. Nat can sleep anywhere…lots of sugar and chocolate chips in the cookies."_

 _He gulped, looking at her absently stroking Nat's hair and smiling at him. Don't even think it. She's becoming one of my best friends, that's all this is. She doesn't have any interest in anything else. Ah, Max, what is really going on in there? "I'm glad you survived it…and the Lacos family dinner?"_

 _She looked down at a snoozing Nat before back at him. Hot dogs last week, he held onto my hand for a long time, and…it was nothing. Just John. The guy that I've been drinking a lot of wine with on my porch with lately. Crap, crap, crap, just no Max, don't even start thinking like that. "Sharon and Hank are wonderful people who were great to me and my kids."_

 _"But."_

 _But I'm a spectacle. Someone for them to parade around as Kenny's widow. My fatherless kids…even they look over it. Even Hank and Mel sometimes, even if they tell me to move on. I'm still Kenny's widow to them. It's all anyone there ever wants to talk to me about. It's been four years, and I still miss him, of course I do. I always will. Why can't they let me move on? Why can't I just be me? Why isn't that enough? "Can I ask you something? You can tell me to butt out and it's none of my business if you want."_

 _"Ask away."_

 _"Why didn't you ever…John, you're a great guy, why didn't you ever get remarried? Do we think we get a second chance at it?"_

 _"You can't ask me anything easier than that?"_

 _"You can tell me to shut up."_

 _Look at her, he thought, all that red hair grown out and falling down her back, ghost pale skin, in an old purple long sleeved t-shirt and black leggings, looking far younger and vulnerable than her 37 -year old self. "Max, I…damn, Max. I hated dating, going through that dance and never meeting anyone that even sparked an interest."_

 _"Do you think you'll meet her? Do we get a second chance like that?"_

 _"I think we do, Max. I loved Deanna, I was 21 when I married her and…that can't be it. It wasn't fair when she died, we should have had more time. You and me, we know how much it hurt to lose the people we love, and I refuse to believe it's all we get. You think I'm a great guy?"_

 _She felt a grin creeping across her face. "You always were. Even when you pushed all my buttons."_

 _"You were easy to rile up."_

 _Damn it, she thought, how are we so close on these bleachers with Nat snoring in my lap? I cannot do this. "I don't know what I was trying to prove back then."_

 _"Ah, you were feisty. Stubborn. Hard headed. Reckless, emotional, impulsive."_

 _"And now?"_

 _"You irritate me less."_

 _She laughed despite herself, as Nat stirred in her lap. "Right back at you. Hey, Kiddo, did you have a good nap?"_

 _Nat yawned and slid between them on the bleachers and tugged on John's hand. "Are you and Kara coming over?"_

 _John looked down at her before back at Max. Dangerous, he thought, something is simmering here again. "If you're up for it, Sleepyhead, Kara and I were going for tacos. You in?"_

 _Run, she thought, I should stay away from him. Oh, I like being with him. Freaking John Littleton. "We're in."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"You love him?"

She nodded. "I didn't think I would ever love anyone again."

"Max, seriously?"

"Are you okay? Do you want more whiskey?"

"You really want me to believe you weren't screwing around with him while you were with Kenny?"

Max leaned back against the counter and looked at her sister-in-law. "I loved Kenny, he was my very best friend on top of being my husband, part of me will always love him. I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives…we had so many plans, dreams, and…it changed because of one moment, some psycho with a gun took him away from me. You know how I fell apart, Mel. I can't…I'm not just his widow. I need more than that. I thought you knew that. You're my family, I love you, and…that isn't going to change."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"They're at their cousins…they're all between five and nine," Max shrugged. "I think Mel does this because she thinks I need a break. That I need to go out and have fun."_

 _John looked at her, sitting in the growing darkness on her porch. "Does she know that you have girl's night and book club nights?"_

 _And that I pick up men and bed them, she thought, that I'm not broken and sitting home alone every night. That I made a life for myself again. "I don't think she believes me."_

 _John smiled at her, as they drank in silence. "Hey, Kara is at her friend's house tonight, do you want to go out? We can pay to drink instead of doing it here."_

 _She smiled at him and shook her head. I was planning on flopping on my couch and binge-watching movies until he called. "I kind of wanted to crash…I don't have too many kid free nights. This is nice though."_

 _He watched as she shivered as the sun went down. Unzipping his sweatshirt, he wrapped it around her, his fingers brushing against her neck and inhaling her scent of coconut shampoo. "Better?"_

 _She looked at his fingers lingering on her shoulder and back to him. It smells like him. What am I doing? It's just John and me, hashing out our weeks and lives. How is he the person I can really talk to? One of the few people who really knows me and doesn't treat me with kid gloves. "Much…do you want me to get another bottle?"_

 _No, I don't want you to move. I want to sit here with you, with you smelling so good, smiling at me, and not moving from where I put my arm around you. Giving her a tentative squeeze, she looked at him curiously. "Tell you what, why don't we finish this one first and you let me take you out for dinner."_

 _She nodded, very aware of their closeness on her porch. I need to get away from him. If we stay here…no… "Drink up, then._

* * *

 **Present:**

"I'm not my mother. I know that," Mel said. "Did Kenny like him?"

"Most of the time. They got along better than John and I did back then."

"He'd like that you were with him?"

She smiled despite everything. "I think he'd be surprised."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"No, way, ah, John!" Max laughed, as flopped back on the ground next to her after her spectacular slide after missing the soccer ball. Shrieking as he wiped the mud across her face. "I hate you right now!"_

 _"You're just mad because you lost," he teased, thinking about how adorable she looked, with her mud streaked legs and face. "Didn't you go to college on a soccer scholarship?"_

 _"Yeah, 20 years ago," she retorted, seeing a teasing glint in his eye, as she ducked out of his second mud swipe. "No, way, John, please… Ah!"_

 _What am I doing, he thought, what are we doing? I have her over, sans any of our kids, for a drink and this happens? Way too competitive this one. What are we doing? She's a laughing, muddy mess, leaning up against me…her hand resting on my knee. Way too close, way too tempting this one. Wrapping his free arm around her, he gave her a long squeeze. "Are you conceding defeat?"_

 _"My coaches would be ashamed," she sighed, resting her head against his shoulder. "Rematch?"_

 _"If you think you can stay upright."_

 _She shifted slightly to look at him. I should move. He shouldn't have his arm around me, I shouldn't be so comfortable with the way his hand is kneading my shoulder. What am I doing? This is John…Oh, crap. She snuggled in closer, despite her better judgment and wrapped her arms around his waist._

 _"Max?" he asked softly, not taking his eyes off her. "Hey."_

 _I'm covered in mud and sitting in a puddle, she thought, as he brushed her hair back from her face, his fingers lingering on her face. I can't move. I didn't come here for this. No. She shivered a bit, as he traced his thumb over her cheekbone before resting his forehead against hers. His breath warm on her face, she inhaled his scent of wet grass and soap, as his lips hovered above hers. Shivering slightly, she ran her finger across them. "John?"_

 _So many questions in that, he thought, she's shivering, wet, muddy, and I can't move away from her. "Your call."_

 _Her gaze flicked up back up to him. His gentle touch and kind eyes. How warm he makes me feel…how I'm never lonely with him. Jumping out of his arms and landing face first in the mud puddle at the car backfiring on the street. Hearing John's yelp of surprise and laughter, as he helped her up and wiped the mud from her face. "Oh, don't look at me."_

 _He ran his fingers through her mud clumped hair. "No, you look good right now. Straight out of a nature documentary or reality show."_

 _She smiled at him and caught his hand in hers as he trailed it through her wet and muddy hair. The best guy. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. "John?"_

 _"Max?" he asked, catching a devilish look in her eye as she wiped her mud-covered hands down his face and giggled despite being covered in mud and water. "Oh, it's on, Honey."_

 _"John!" she shrieked, as he flipped her on her back in the puddle and she landed with a big splash again. "Ah, stop! John!"_

 _He ducked as she got off another mudball at him and struggled to sit up again in mud. Laughing, as his arms gathered her close, and he wiped mud down her cheek. "Max?"_

 _She threw caution out the window, as she wrapped herself around him and kissed him._

 _John pulled her in closer to him, exploring her mouth with his. My Max, he thought, she's right. She's so right here, in my arms, kissing me, maybe we shouldn't be muddy. She's way too good at this._

 _Coming up for air, she stared at him for a long moment. What am I doing? This is John…I shouldn't…we shouldn't. Out of my mind. "I should go."_

 _"Stay."_

 _Trembling, she couldn't move from his arms, as he leaned down to kiss her again. Melting in to him, she felt her doubts fly out of her mind, as she inhaled his scent on wet grass and soap on skin. Wrapping herself around him, she kissed him back, as she pressed into his warm skull. John… "Wait."_

 _He rested his forehead on hers again and neither of them made a move to let go of each other. I don't ever want to let go of her, he thought, she's starting to panic. Don't let her. "Hey there."_

 _She gulped. He's not like the random men I've picked up in a vain attempt to feel something…this is John Littleton. Why is this happening? Why can't I stay away from him? I don't want to stay away from him. "Hey."_

 _"Maybe I should take you on a proper date before this goes any farther?"_

 _She gulped, enjoying his fingers massaging her waist. Dangerous…what he's stirring up at me. "Can I shower first?"_

* * *

 **Present:**

"When do I get to meet him? You could have told me. You didn't have to hide it."

"We were feeling it out. Seeing who we were to each other now. We have three kids between us. We're both older now. He's a good guy, Mel. My girls like him, Nat is really attached. Probably more than she should be."

"Mom isn't going to let it go."

"It was so hard for me to move on…I didn't want to date, I wanted to be left alone. It took me a long time to really want to be with anyone else. Every time I looked at another guy, I felt like I was betraying him. I can't live like that for her or anyone."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago:**

 _John smiled at her, glad she hadn't fled yet, as she sat across from him freshly showered in his ancient law school sweatshirt and Kara's leggings. "Feel better?"_

 _"I had mud in places that mud should never be."_

 _"Max, are you okay?"_

 _She looked at him. "I hate when people ask me that. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you. I don't need to by be psychoanalyzed over it."_

 _"Ah, that's prickly Max I remember."_

 _"I'm still me, John. Aggravating and irritating."_

 _"I wouldn't want you any other way. So, you wanted to kiss me?"_

 _"You catch the key words. Yes, I wanted to kiss you. I want to do it again right now."_

 _He stood up and walked around the kitchen table to her. Holding out his hand, she didn't hesitate to take it and let him pull her to her up to him. "Do it then."_

 _Oh, I can't back down from a challenge and he knows it. Whatever is happening now…oh, I like him. I really like him. Screw it. Wrapping her arms around him, she kissed him again for a long moment before pulling back. "Satisfied?"_

 _"Not even close," he teased, combing through her damp hair before kissing her again and backing her into the counter. Hearing her sigh of contentment, as she melted into his embrace, he pulled her in closer to him._

 _"John?" she breathed, unable to think or move. "John."_

 _"I love how you say my name."_

 _She nodded, leaning into him and enjoying his hands on her. "I like saying it. I really like kissing you. What are we doing?"_

 _He squeezed her tighter. "Something I want to keep doing."_

 _She rested her head against his chest, unable to move away from him. "Me too. John, I should go…If I stay…we shouldn't."_

 _"What are you doing Saturday night? I want to take you out. On a date, Max. Not us getting tacos with our kids or playing mini-golf. Just you and me. What do you say?"_

 _She looked up at him, her heart pounding in her chest. "I'm in."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"He's hot," Mel said, elbowing her in the side, as they sat on the porch together and watched their kids play with Colin in the yard. "That is John? You don't have other random men coming over?"

Not anymore, she thought, seeing his look of surprise. Oh, he didn't get my message. "I think so too. I'll be right back."

"John!" Nat called, abandoning her cousins and the soccer game and running to him. "My tummy is better!"

Do not cry, Max, she thought, watching as he scooped up a squealing Natalie, who threw her arms around him. Crossing her small yard to him, she smiled. "Hey."

He shifted Nat in his arms. "Hey yourself."

"I'm sorry I got sick on you. Are you mad? I made you a card. Mommy says you don't hate me."

"I could never hate you, Kiddo," he said. "You're one of my favorite people."

Natalie giggled and hugged him again. "Are you going to kiss Mommy?"

"Well, she is also one of my favorite people. And very kissable," John stated, smiling at her over Nat's head. "I kind of like all three of the Lacos ladies."

Nat giggled and hugged him again. "I love you, John. Can I go play soccer?"

He looked at a shocked Max, as he put her back down on her feet. "Go. Have fun. Max?"

She looked at her kid running back to her sister and cousins before back at him. "Wow, uh, sorry…I can talk to her about that."

Ignoring her company, he reached up and brushed her hair back. "I've had two out of three of the Lacos ladies tell me they love me in 24 hours. Think I can convince Regan?"

"Regan will do the opposite if you push her. She's pretty much me."

"They're easy kids to love. Like their mom."

She looked at him seriously. "Do you love my kids? Or is it just because you love me?"

"Do you think that this is a conversation for right now?" he asked. "You have company."

She glanced back at Mel who was doing her best not stare. "Probably not. Where's Kara?"

Way too pretty right now, he thought, in her favorite old cut-offs and some old and threadbare long sleeve green t-shirt, with her long hair in a fishtail French braid. "I dropped her at practice and then she's going to Sally's to do homework. Do you love her?"

"Sally?"

He smiled at that, slipping his arm around her waist as they walked back to the porch. "No, smartass."

That sweet little girl, who followed her dad around, who is one of the most put together teens I've met. God, when did this happen? How did we get to this point and why aren't I freaking out? Tell him. "I love what the five of us are becoming together."

He looked at her with that one. She knows it too, are we really doing this? "Max."

She smiled up at him. "Later? Mel, hey, this is John."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago:**

 _Damn, John thought, looking across the table at her. "You look great."_

 _I changed my clothes about 10 times, she thought, for a dinner date with John. He's seen me in my sweats, nothing but jeans, t-shirts, ponytails…This is way more girly than I usually go, and he can't take his eyes off me. "I clean up well."_

 _"I didn't know you owned a dress."_

 _She smiled at him, leaning back in the booth. This long bell sleeved, short, lace, blue dress, boots, and the 10 minutes it took me to blow out this mop on my head. "I'm glad you approve."_

 _He reached out and interlocked his fingers with hers on the table. "You could have showed up in a hoodie and leggings and you'd be the most beautiful thing here."_

 _She felt herself flush at that. "John. Stop."_

 _"You all dressed up is messing with my head."_

 _"Good because it took me a long time to make myself look like this… Are we being weird? I mean, I talk to you every day, I've spilled my guts to you on a lot of things and I'm sitting here unsure of what to say. I don't want…our friendship…to go away because of this. I really like you."_

 _"We can go slowly, figure this out," he smiled at her. "The only thing that changes is that I get to kiss you now. Deal?"_

 _She looked at her pale hand in his and back up at him. "Deal."_

* * *

 _ **TBC...Next up, a return to Rome.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**To the Reviewer who asked:** Kenny was shot and killed in Rome. Max picked up and moved to Chicago to escape her own pain and raise their kids by his family.

* * *

 **Present:**

"So, your kids love me and want me to be their dad?" John asked, looking toward the backyard where she had distracted them, as they drank coffee on the porch.

Damn my outspoken kids sometimes. She looked at him, the guy I love, and our makeshift family. "They're not yours."

He shot her a look. "Hey, I love you. You are a part of my life. That makes your kids a part too. And for the record, Max? I love them too, and not just because they are yours. You're raising great kids."

"Damn it, John."

"Talk to me."

Kenny's kids, she thought, the ones I moved down here to know their family. So, they would still have a connection to him. My kids who are overwhelmed with info about their father by their grandmother and…damn it. "They're Kenny's kids…and…oh, when Nat told you she loved you and Regan asked if you were going to be their Dad? How do I do that to him? I know he's dead and…How? I love you, and you are so wonderful with them. Then I feel guilty that they love you so much and want you… I love and want you."

He broke into a smile and tilted her face to his. "Max, breathe. We're still feeling this thing out, right? I know Kenny was their Dad, just like Deanna was Kara's mom. Honey, you know what's happening here as well as I do."

I thought it would just be the three of us and I was okay. I need more. My kids need more. "Are we going too fast?"

"It took us 14 months from when we met at the pool to go on date…after you gave me a spectacular kiss in the mud. Four months to sleep together. We just said I love you last week."

Warm and loved, it's how he makes me feel. "I didn't expect this. I was okay on my own. I'm having a really hard time with my kids wanting you to be their dad."

"Because you feel like you're betraying Kenny?"

She winced at that. "Yeah. And I know I'm not, that he would want me to move on and for our kids to have people in their lives that love them. I couldn't pick a better man than you, for me and for them. I'm so completely in love with you."

"Ah, Max."

"Can we take some time with this? I know we're…we're becoming a family."

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "I know. I'm not talking about running off and eloping, Honey. At least not yet."

"What?"

He didn't take his eyes off her. "You heard me."

"You want to marry me?"

His grin broadened at her shock. "Eventually. Get used to it."

She looked at her hand in in his. "Wow."

"Maxine Lacos, I love you, and it's as big a deal to me as it is to you to say those words. We both lost the people we loved, and it wasn't fair to either of us. I didn't know if I would ever find a second love of my life, until I found you.

"John! Mom!" Regan called. "Come play with us!"

* * *

 **1 year Ago:**

 _Oh, this is nice, Max thought, leaning up against his chest. What is this…three weeks in? Fifth date? At least not including sitting on bleachers at pools and a kid pizza night. How is this happening? Feeling him squeeze her tightly, she laid her hands over his on her stomach, as they listened the concert in the park. Sighing, as she nuzzled her a neck she shifted slightly to look at him. "That feels good."_

 _"You feel good," he said, pressing his lips to hers. Ah, I want to take her home…Kara is at her cousins, Nat and Regan at their grandparents…we could, is she there yet? This is right, I know it in my bones. "You taste good too."_

 _She smiled at him, seeing something new…I know that look. Sex…I've had a lot of it since Kenny died…this is different. We're different. How do I explain it to him? Not now, just relax back into his arms, she thought, as he kissed her briefly again. Oh, I can't think when he kisses me like this. Freaking John Littleton…how am I falling for him? Breaking apart, she intertwined her fingers with his. "Oh, I don't want to move."_

 _Tell her, he thought, no it's been three weeks. Our fifth date…she certainly kisses me like someone who is sure. "Do you want to go back to my place?"_

 _She gulped, glad he couldn't see her face. I know what that means…if I go with him…tell him. I know I can tell him anything. I want to…I really want to. "What happens if we do?"_

 _"Whatever you want."_

 _"Even if it's playing board games and not," she started, looking at their joined fingers. "John, I…I don't know if I'm there yet."_

 _"Max, if you want to sit in my living room and play Jenga, I'm in. We don't have to rush anything. I like spending time with you."_

 _Too good for me, she thought, he's so honest, full of integrity, passionate, and I have more fun with him than I thought possible. I like him too. Tell him. "John, I told you about the guy at the gym, but…after that…I picked up a lot of men to sleep with. I wanted to feel something. I don't…this is different, and I don't want to hop into bed and…you're not some guy I picked up in a bar."_

 _He squeezed her hands tighter, feeling her tense when she haltingly said that. "Did you feel anything?"_

 _She bit her lip and relaxed back against him again. "I got good at faking it. Pretending I was someone else with them and never seeing them again. I know it was dumb, reckless, that it makes me a bit of a tramp."_

 _"You're not a tramp, Honey."_

 _"You're not disgusted?"_

 _"By you having sex?" he asked bluntly, as she winced. "I want you having sex with me. Not some random men you pick up. I want you, Max. When you're ready."_

 _She turned to look at him again, shifting around so she was facing him completely. "Are you for real with this?"_

 _"I like you," he said again, running his palm down her cheek and tilting her face to his. "I want to see where this goes."_

 _She held his gaze and felt her heart pounding in her chest. It's going somewhere. Don't rush it. "I will be ready, John…I really like you too."_

 _He kissed her again before pulling back. "Come on, I'm taking you down in Jenga."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"What?" she said, shifting the phone under her ear and sliding a bagel on a plate to Regan. "Hold on. Here, eat. I need five minutes, Kiddo. Eat."

"Mom, please?"

"I'm thinking about it, Regan."

"That means no. Kara told me that."

She shot her eight-year old a look at that. "It means I'm thinking about it. Eat. Let me finish this...Sorry, hello. Are you still there?"

"Max?" Jimmy said, hearing the clamor of breakfast in the background. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

Yes, she thought, are they dedicating a bridge this time? That's all these calls ever are. "No, we're just…breakfast and getting ready for school and work. What's up?"

"Regan seems upset."

She shot her kid a look from the other room. "Regan wants a puppy and she's pretty relentless. I'm beginning to cave…she made me a bullet point list of reasons why we should. Sorry…How are you?"

She sounds good, Jimmy thought, she said she moved on. She ran from her life, she reinvented her entire life, the two times she's been back here she was very distant. "Do you remember the Murphy case?"

"Uh, huh," she said. Dead child in a box… "Why?"

"It's being reopened. You're going to need to re-testify. I know you see John Littleton sometimes. Do you have his number? He was the prosecutor. I need to get in touch with him too."

"Yeah, um," she said. I saw him naked last night. John who said he wants to marry me someday and loves my kids. "I'll see him at swim team tonight. When do I have to testify? I need to make arrangements at work and for my kids."

* * *

 **3 Years Ago**

 _"Oh, Max," Jill said, hugging her tightly. "It is so good to see you."_

 _Max hugged her back, forcing herself to relax. I was pretty much a depressed nut job and then I cut people out of my life when I pulled myself out of my funk. Funk, yeah, that's what that was…being a widow at 33 put me in a funk._ " _It's been a long time."_

 _Oh, she looks good, Jill thought, as she stepped back. I didn't know what to expect. It's been three years since Kenny died and two since she basically dropped off the radar. Dark and tight jeans, a flowing white lace top, with her hair grown out. "I love your hair this long._

 _"I'm just trying something with it."_

 _"Regan and Natalie look so grown up."_

 _"They're pretty great."_

 _"You've been missed. I'm glad you came for the park dedication. Kenny's parents have been really making the rounds before you got here."_

 _For a week, Max thought, with Sharon calling me in tears every night. I haven't cried myself to sleep in two years, and I'm on the verge now. "I'm sure they have."_

 _"Are you okay?"_

 _I am, that's the problem, she thought, I am because of Regan and Nat…because they need me. They made me get off my butt and back into the world…and now I have a job I like, friends, and my kids are thriving. I'm not broken…I can talk about Kenny without falling apart. Tell her. "I am. Really, Jill, I'm good. You don't have to worry about me."_

* * *

 **Present**

"You, me and Rome," John said, as they watched swim practice. "I remember that case. We put the father away for it."

She nodded, as they just looked at each other. "Is this weird?"

"We shouldn't tell anyone until after the retrial."

"I know."

Kenny was the arresting officer, she found the knife, I prosecuted it, John thought, now he's dead and we've been gone from that town for years and are together. Messy, yes, when we have it easy here. "Can you fake being annoyed by me for a few days?"

"Oh, I can antagonize you the whole time, Counselor."

"You were really good at that, Deputy."

She smiled at that, looking at their interlocked fingers and back to him. "They're going to be weird there. About us."

"Does it matter? We know what we mean to each other."

She shook her head. "That we love each other?"

That you didn't flee with my eloping remark, he thought, what am I thinking? Slowly, he thought, that's what we said. We know where this is going. "Do we?'

She caught his teasing look and grinned at him. "Last I checked. Crap. We have kids."

"Which you don't want to leave with your in-laws. I bet my mom would take them…don't look at me like that. She likes them. And you."

"Are you serious?"

"If we're going to elope sometime, she's going to be your family too."

Eight-months, she thought, after 14 of a pretty solid friendship leading up to me kissing him like a lovesick teenager. Finding each other again after all this time. Freaking John Littleton. It had to be him. "I know. They like her, she spoiled them with all that candy. John, I can't ask her to do that. I can make nice with Sharon, smooth it over and…what? She can hate me, but she loves her grandchildren."

"Smooth it over? Max, your kids hate staying with her."

"They're our family. I'm not cutting their grandmother out of their lives."

"I'm not asking you to. She needs to get some help; her grieving is unnatural at this point. It stresses you out."

"Why do you put up with me?"

"Because you're pretty."

"You really are too good for me."

"Nah. I love you. It's three days."

She relented and nodded, sensing this was some unspoken step happening. "Okay."

* * *

 **Three Years Ago:**

 _Hugs, hugs, hugs, and my kids being passed around like they are public property, Max thought, forcing herself to listen to yet another story about her and Kenny. Like I didn't live it, she thought, he was my husband, my very best friend, partner…and all I want is to be back home, with my kids, not here where it's a constant reminder of my loss. "Thanks."_

 _"Look at all these people," Sharon said, wiping her tears. "They loved him so much."_

 _Max looked at the crowded park and her former co-workers talking with her kids. Regan looks like how I feel…they don't remember Kenny. They'll never know their dad, do not cry, Max, don't do it. You're giving them a wonderful life, and they're thriving. "Yeah, this is really something."_

 _"Oh, Max," Sharon sighed, hugging her. "How could he leave us?"_

 _He was shot, she thought, he saved three lives at the expense of his own. That's who he was…the least I can do is not waste my life. She pushed back from her and nodded. Kenny would hate this. "They're about to start…I should get Regan and Nat before…I'll be right back."_

 _"Max."_

 _I'm going to scream, she thought, as someone caught her arm. It's like they're waiting for me to breakdown in tears. "Hi."_

 _Carter looked at his old friend for a long moment. "Sue and I wanted to have you over for a drink before you head back to Chicago. You know, get the kids together and stuff."_

 _Say anything, she thought, I need five minutes to get my head together. "Yeah, sure. Carter, I'm going to go grab them before the speeches."_

 _"Max."_

 _She turned back to look at him. "What?"_

 _Carter looked at her, seeing her tension. "You know everyone is just so sorry. You're very brave to be able to do this."_

 _Do not scream. "I'm not the only one to lose someone, Carter."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"It's not like we're going to be using it," John teased, as they opened the adjoining hotel rooms door. "It's a shame they're paying for two rooms."

"We could mess up both beds," she laughed, as he pulled her close in the doorway. "Make it real it for the maids. How much time do we have?"

"Two hours, Honey," he said. "Why don't we make good use of them?"

* * *

 **3 Years Ago:**

 _I'm awful, Max thought, as she walked hand in hand with her girls away from the Kenneth Lacos Memorial Park dedication. They care about us, I know that, but I can't take it. The hugs, the sympathy, the stares…Nope. Me and my girls are going to enjoy the park, like Kenny would want._

 _"Mommy?" Regan asked, taking a big bite of her hot dog and grinning at her. "All these people knew my dad? Is that why they're sad? Did Daddy make people sad?"_

 _"Nah. Your dad was a great guy. People just miss him."_

 _"Like you do."_

 _"Like me."_

 _"But Mommy you don't cry anymore. I used to hear you. Are you not sad?"_

 _She stared at her five-year old for a long moment. "I can't be sad all the time. There is so much good in our lives, Regan, and that's what we want to focus on."_

 _"Like ice cream?"_

 _Max laughed despite her mood. "And hot dogs, Kiddo. Eat up, and we'll go see-saw."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"They're fine, Honey."

"I know," she trailed off, after she hung up with her girls. "I've never left them like this."

"Are you crying?"

She rolled her on her side and smiled at him. "Are you laughing at me?"

"Those girls made you soft."

"I know. Don't tell anyone."

He leaned in and kissed her in the privacy of their hotel room. "And irritating and antagonistic… gorgeous, smart, funny…brave and strong?"

She groaned. "You were doing good until the last part. I'll take irritating. What are you doing?"

"We should go. Get dressed. Save the world," he smiled, kissing her again and pinned her to the bed beneath him. Intertwining their fingers, he pressed her hands into the pillow. Why didn't we do this 10 years ago? Before she and Kenny…No, that is a conversation we can't have. What if we did? Where would we be now? Would we have kids together? It's too late…she's 39 and I'm 41…and what we have is enough. We found each other again. "We really should."

She smiled at him, enjoying how close they were. "I can't really move, John."

"Then we have a problem. We have witness statements to review. A murderer to make sure stays in jail. Game face, Max."

"You need to let me get dressed for that."

* * *

 **3 Years Ago:**

 _"She's good with them," Jill said, as they watched Max kicking a ball back and forth with her kids, and with the first genuine smile she had seen out of her in a long time. Not as tense as she has been, laughing with them, kicked off her shoes and may actually be okay._

 _Jimmy nodded, watching his former deputy. Joy, that's what on her face, her kids bring her joy. "Max?"_

 _She stopped the ball with her foot and looked over at them. "Hi."_

 _Oh, Natalie, Jill thought, as she ran to her mom and she watched as Max broke into a grin and picked her up. "We were wondering where you went."_

 _She shifted a giggling Natalie and balanced her on her hip. "Just enjoying a park as it should be."_

 _In a sundress, barefoot, her long hair twisted back now, Jill thought, oh, Max, what are you doing? "You know there are a lot of people who miss you and want spend time with you here."_

 _She paused at that. They all keep hugging me, telling me how sorry they are, that they don't know how they could move on, that I'm so brave and strong, and I'm not this person. "I know."_

 _"I wanted to play with Mommy. Everyone here is sad," Regan piped up. "We have fun at home. Mommy, can we go home? I don't like it here."_

 _She put Natalie back on her own feet, and smoothed back Regan's red hair. "Two more sleeps, Kiddo, then it's back home and school for you."_

 _"And swimming? I want to get ready to try swim team."_

 _"And swimming," she promised. "Maybe we can get Nat to put her face in too."_

 _"She's being a baby about it."_

 _Very different, these two, and I love them both more than I ever thought possible. "Well, she's lucky to have you to show her how."_

 _Regan giggled and hugged her. "Do we have to go with these people?"_

 _Max glanced back at the Brocks. I don't want to. I'm such an ungrateful twat. Friends and family who love us and just dedicated a park to Kenny. Ugh, and all I want is to play with my kids and possibly get them another ice cream cone. They need to stop hugging me. "I think we're going to hang out a bit. It's a beautiful park…I kind of want to show kids where we got married and stuff privately. We'll see you later."_

 _"Mommy is sad here," Regan said, hugging Max tightly. "Why do you make her sad? She isn't sad at home. We have so much fun. We go on adventures. Mommy, don't be sad."_

 _"Nah, never with you and Nat," she said, hugging her back. "We'll be back in a while. I need to breathe. They need some space."_

 _"Max."_

 _Leave me alone, she thought, just let me have this time, in this park dedicated to my husband, with my kids. "Please. Just leave us alone for a bit…I need to be with my kids."_

* * *

 **Present:**

Kid gloves, John thought, everyone treats her like she is a child. Ah, and she's so irritated already by it. Hugged her, told her she was so brave to be testifying, that they were just so sorry for her. Do they really not know she's okay? That she has a good life, that she had one before we got together? This town hasn't changed. How can they not just look at her and know?

"Are you sure that you're okay?" Jimmy asked, watching Max in his office. "I know that it must be difficult for you to go back to court."

Do not look at John. I might lose it if I do. "I go to court most days and advocate for children."

Tense, Jimmy thought, what is her life really like these days? Max and John, this is like old times…It has to be hard on her. Jill said that they were friends these days, that his daughter is her baby-sitter. They seem on better terms than they did before. She hasn't mentioned Kenny one time, she never brings him up, not for years. It still hurts her. "It's not the same thing."

"She's really good," John said. "We've been in court a few times together over the last two years."

Like old times, Max thought, he's great in a courtroom…helping people who need it. From us locking up criminals together, to us both helping people in need. A different path but still us. Me and John. Who would we be if…forget it. "Thanks."

Jimmy looked at them both. A strange ease between them, an understanding, not the bickering and hostility that used to be there. They're both widowed, single parents, they seem to be friends, and not exactly thrilled to be here. John was shot by his brother and Max lost Kenny here. Things they didn't get over. "You do know we appreciate you both flying up to testify. I know you both have lives, jobs, your kids."

"Of course, we would come," John said. Max wants to bolt. I think the hugging from everyone here did her in. "It was our case."

And Kenny's, Max thought, it used to be the four of us here. Being here does rip the band-aid off a bit, sparks up my memories, I do still miss him, I always will…but I'm okay. A new path with John, a new love. Kenny would smile knowing that the three of us are good.

"Max."

She looked up, at her old friend and her love. "Sorry, I zoned out. Are we done for now?"

Ah, Max, John thought, the hugging and sympathy did her in. "Can I buy you lunch? Something beside a hot dog on a street corner?"

She smiled despite herself. "I do enjoy street hot dogs."

Standing Wednesday date, he thought, even before we started dating. Ah, she looks right now. Rome's tragic widow and she hates it. She looks anything but tragic in snug jeans, green sweater and her hair blown out. Vibrant and passionate, he thought, and we so completely belong to each other. "I know you do."

Jimmy sat back and looked at them. Something they're not saying, it's passing between them right them right now. They aren't, they can't be…

* * *

 **3 Years Ago**

 _"It's pretty, Mommy."_

 _She felt a pang in her heart, as she looked around where she and Kenny got married. Where I pledged to love and be with him forever, she thought, when I really thought we would be. Oh, Kenny, I do miss you so much. "It is, Kiddo."_

 _"Play?" Natalie asked, tugging on her hand. "Please, Mommy?"_

 _Mommy, she thought, I do love being their mommy. "Give me a second, Nat."_

 _Regan hugged her sister and looked at their mom. "Don't cry, Mommy."_

 _She wiped her tears, as overwhelming grief hit her. He kissed me right here, I married him and really gave myself to him…how could he just leave me like this? Why didn't he wait for back up? He left me all alone to raise our daughters and ripped my heart out in the process. I broke down, I didn't think I could go on…Damn it, Kenny, how could you do this? Why did it have to be you?_

 _"Mommy?"_

 _She knelt and wrapped her arms around them. "Sorry, Ladies. How about we head back to the hotel and try out the pool?"_

* * *

 **TBC…As Rome explodes…**


	6. Chapter 6

**Present:**

And I would have been happy with a hot dog with John, Max thought, despite being in this town it is kind of nice to have some private time together. I don't get to wake up with him enough. Stop being ungrateful, they're your friends even if they're looking at me like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. "This is great."

"You and John Littleton came up together?" Jill asked, as she nodded. "Do you see a lot of him?"

"We're neighbors and our kids are on the same swim team."

"And, how are you?" Sue pressed, laying her hand on hers. "We all worry so much. You're all alone in Chicago."

She shook her head, clamping down on her resentment. "I'm not alone."

"Regan and Natalie must be getting so grown up," Laurie added.

"They are," Max said, pausing briefly. "They're eight and six. They are very different kids, but…they're great. I can't imagine my life without them."

"Fate wouldn't be that cruel," Sue said. "After what you already lost."

"It's too sad," Laurie added. "How do you even survive it?"

Max let out a long breath at that. "Because I had to. Please, really hear me on this. I am okay, and I have been for a long time. I don't sit at home and cry. I have a job, friends, family, and my kids are thriving. I'm better then okay. I'm great. The only thing that really gets to me is people…the constant sympathy and pity."

"You don't have to hide your pain."

"My pain?" she repeated. I cried, screamed, raged, she thought, fell into a depression that was fostered by Sharon. I was barely present in Nat's first few months, I think it's why Regan is so protective. "None of you know what my pain was like. I have a good life. God, I have wonderful man in my life now. This is why don't come back here. I'm not a saint. I'm not a martyr. I'm just trying to raise my kids and live my life. Why can't that be enough?"

"Max, wait."

She tossed a twenty on the table and shook her head. "I need some air. Bye."

* * *

 **Present**

"Max is fine," John said. "Really. I wasn't around when Kenny died or to see how she was then. The Max I know now, honestly, she has it together. She's a great mom. She fights for the kids she advocates for. She tries things…she's happy."

"Max ran away from her life."

"She wanted to raise her kids by their father's family. She had too many memories here to let herself heal," John said. Max is going to kill me. I'm going to out our relationship here and now. "I know how that feels. It's something the two of us have talked about."

"You and Max?"

"We're friends. We both were widowed and left with young children. Kara baby-sits for her. I know how hard it was for her to move on, but she did. Stop treating her like she's broken because I practically dragged her off the plane with me because she was so stressed out about it."

Jimmy looked at him. It's how he talks about her. "Is there something going on with the two of you?"

"We're friends."

"You seem to know a lot."

"We see quite a bit of each other because of swim team," John stated. She told me not to look at her while she wiped her tears walking away from my mom saying she knew she was being ridiculous. We should really go away together sometime because it's been nice waking up together more than once every few weeks. We should live together…no she's not there yet. Forget it, she doesn't want pity, she knows what this is just like I do. "She didn't want to come back here because of how everyone treats her like just Kenny's widow."

* * *

 **Present**

"We care about you."

Max looked at her old friend, wavering from annoyance to guilt. "I know you do. You need to lay off me. Being hit over the head with pity…I don't need it. Moving on was the hardest thing I had to do."

"You're seeing someone?" Jill asked, just watching her. "For how long?"

The 14 months we spent reconnecting, she thought, and these last nine where we dove into this. How we spend more and more nights with the five of us…how I know what John is thinking. How I miss him in the morning. Oh, I do love him…he isn't a runner up to Kenny any more than I am to Deanna. How lucky am I to find another man I love passionately and fiercely? I'm a sap. A total sap. "It's been nine months."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because every time I talk to you it's all poor, pathetic, pitiful, Max. Kenny's death is all anyone here talks to me about. I loved Kenny, and I planned on us spending our lives together. It didn't work that way for us and I thought I'd be fine with my girls. That my whole life could be about them, but that isn't fair. I'm happy, Jill, and it's going somewhere I'm not quite ready for, but I will be. I love him, so do my girls, and he loves us."

Jill looked at her. "It's that easy?"

"Kenny wouldn't me crying over him for the rest of my life. We had that conversation about if something happened to one of us. You don't know what this was like for me. You don't know until it happens to you. I wasn't planning on it. I didn't think that I would ever be able to. Do you have any idea how lucky I am to be able to find someone else that I want to spend my life with? Some who I love and who loves me? I was not looking for this, and it doesn't take away from what Kenny and I had. I refuse to believe that Kenny dying means I have to be alone for the rest of my life. I deserve more than that. I'm going to go. Bye."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"Rough day?"_

 _Max looked up at boyfriend of four months and smiled tiredly at him. Filthy, she thought, very aware of her leggings, stained tye-dye shirt, messy braid and make up free face. "Work was awful, Nat threw up at school, Regan…my hardheaded seven-year-old? She organized a walkout of her second-grade classroom because…she said the book her teacher was reading was racist. I spent an hour in the principal's office with her. She was right, it was, and I'm proud of her, but."_

 _"Regan did that?" John said. "But what?"_

 _Max leaned back against the countertop. "She told her teacher and principal that her mommy's friend was black and that she wasn't going to listen to bad things about black people because you were nice, funny, and smart. My kid is pretty amazing…and I told them I'd fight a suspension if they tried it."_

 _"Regan did that?"_

 _"Regan is a hardheaded, smart, and stubborn kid."_

 _"Who made a stand against racism. We haven't talked about it."_

 _"You being black is a non-issue for me. I like what we're doing together. I like you. You're who I want to spend time with," she stated, thinking of her sleeping kids. "Come to bed with me."_

 _"Honey?"_

 _She pressed her lips to his. Kara at her grandmothers, my kids passed out, I want him…oh, I want him. Sighing, as she sunk into his arms, she lost herself in his touch. Pausing briefly to breath, she nodded. "I want you inside me…I want you to really touch me. I want you, John. Come to bed with me."_

 _He nodded, a bit taken back by her boldness as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him again. Pulling her toward him, he swept her off her feet as she laughed. Wrapping her arms his neck she kissed him again, as they stumbled upstairs and toward her bedroom._

* * *

 **Present**

Dangerous, John thought, the way she kisses me. The way she makes me feel…ah, Max. "We're going to blow our cover."

She pulled back and smiled at him. "We're all alone in a hotel room. I missed you."

"At your ladies' brunch?"

"They mean well and I'm such an ungrateful twat to them. I was a mess and they were good to me…and all I've done since is ignore them. I know they coddle me, but I was a mess. I told them I was okay, I didn't let them see that I was. I should have helped Sharon, I know she's still devastated. Me and the girls…seeing us together like that? I know it shattered her."

"What are you going to do then?"

She let out a long breath. "I'll make nice with Sharon. I think she needs a shrink, I know Hank is talking to her about it. I would never keep Regan and Nat away from their family, and I will always consider them my family. I think that's what I need to make clear."

He pressed his lips to her forehead. "They love you too."

"I should have told them. I didn't know how, I mean, they're Kenny's parents…How do I tell them that I moved on? I'll never forget Kenny, my marriage, any of it, but…you're who I want to be with. I am completely in love with you. My future is with you."

Ten years, he thought, it's always been her. My Max, we needed this time to grow before…she is so perfect, so beautiful, so soft and feminine in my arms right now. "We found each other again, Honey, after so many years."

She smiled at that, as he combed through her hair, his fingers trailing gently down her face. "I'm so glad we did."

Ask her, he thought, as she kissed him before wrapping her arms around him and snuggling in closer. "We should move in together. I want to go to bed with you ever night and wake up in the morning with you. I want us, the five of us, to really be together."

She looked up at him at that, feeling more confident in her answer than she could of thought. Breaking into a grin. "I would love that. Yes. I'm in."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago:**

 _"Honey?"_

 _Max laid her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. Tracing the scar on his chest from where his brother had shot him all those years ago, he caught her hand in his. I can't move, she thought, and I'm naked and wrapped around him. Oh, it was good… "John?"_

 _He tilted her face to his and kissed her again. Ah, she tastes and smells so good. "It's getting late."_

 _She nodded, as they just laid there together. "I know. Stay."_

 _"Are you sure?"_

 _"Stay with me tonight, John."_

 _He kissed her, and she melted against him. Dangerous, the thought, this thing with us. She woke me up that day at the pool. My Max, he thought, as they came together again under the sheets. She is mine._

* * *

 **Present:**

"You did good."

Max looked up from her phone and smiled. "I still spend time in court."

Advocating for children, Jimmy thought, sometimes with Littleton. Jill says she has a boyfriend, and there was something going in my office with them. There was something years ago going on before she and Kenny got together. "Do you like your job?"

"I do. I get to help kids who need it."

"And your kids?"

She smiled at that and clicked on picture in her phone. "They're great. Regan is just so smart, independent, a leader and Nat, I'm not even sure how she's my kid, because she is the most loving ball of sunshine out there."

Jimmy looked at the offered photo and back at her. "They are getting grown up."

"I know."

"How are you, Max? Really. I'm not asking you out of pity. I honestly want to know."

She held his gaze. "This wasn't the life I planned on, but I'm happy."

"Jill said you have a boyfriend."

"He's a good guy…and it surprised and snuck up on me."

Jimmy looked over at John walking toward them and back at Max. They aren't, it isn't the two of them, they wouldn't. It's how they are looking at each other, across a hallway. They haven't said a word about it. Max trying to hide her smile when she looked at him.

"The jury is convening," John said joining them and looking at her. "Do you want to grab lunch?"

"Sure," she said. Keep it professional, even if I just agreed to live with him. "

Jimmy really looked at them, the easy chemistry, the way they are looking at each other. "We'd like to have to both over for dinner tonight before you head back to Chicago tomorrow."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

" _I should go."_

 _"You should," Max smiled, as he wound his arms back around her waist in the kitchen. "Regan and Nat will be down any minute and…do you want to stay for breakfast? I make great pancakes."_

 _"You do know I really want to?"_

 _"Then do," she said, pressing her lips to his. "Stay with us this morning."_

 _He kissed her back, very tempted by her gentle touch and words. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against hers. "I have to pick up Kara. Tonight? Our fancy date? Not that I don't like you just like this."_

 _"In my jammies?"_

 _Sleeping naked and wrapped around me, he thought, she fits so well in my arms. "Impress me, Honey."_

 _I can't move, she thought, as they just looked at each other. Sex, she thought, the sex does change it. It makes it more real…and I don't want to be having it with anyone else. "I clean up well."_

 _He ran his hand down her cheek and kissed her one last time. "I'm so glad we found each other."_

 _She nodded, his sweet words warming her. "Me too."_

 _He gestured toward the noise upstairs, finally letting her out of his grasp. "I'll pick you up at seven."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"Things happen when these people eat," John said, as they strolled through the park together. "You still with me?"

She looked at her hand in his and nodded. "Sorry, I…that's where I got married."

He stopped and really looked at her. "Ah, Honey, I didn't think about…We can go."

She smiled at him and shook her head. "I burst into tears here with Regan and Nat three years ago. This crippling grief hit me. This time, with you, I don't know. It's okay. I'm okay."

"Come here," he said, hugging her tightly to him. "I love you."

She looked up at him. My love, she thought, the second great love of my life. Something I never thought I would even want. "I'm ready to go home and move in together. I'm so ready to really start our life together."

"Max? John? What are you doing?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Present:**

"We're just," Max started, as John let her go. My love, she thought, he's staring at us. I'm all over John, right where I married Kenny. I'm a terrible widow. "Hi."

Carter stared at them, as they stepped apart. "What are you doing?"

Ah, Max, John thought, this town gets to her. "Is the jury back?"

"Max, you got married here."

"I'm aware of that," she stated. What are we doing? We weren't doing anything wrong. I stood over there and said my vows. I thought it would last forever…and I'm not bursting into tears this time. It kind of warms my heart a bit to think about my wedding here, how happy we both were and…hold onto the good of it. Look at me being all wise and rational. "It was a great day, Carter."

"Are you two together?"

"That is a question for after a verdict," John said. That's what we said. Not letting our relationship effect this case…even if I can't keep my hands and eyes off her. Ah, I do want everyone to know. "Just two friends taking a walk. You're right, Max, it's a beautiful park."

I hate playing games, she thought, I don't want to deny how I feel about him. Not with my in-laws, Rome, anyone, I just want to be with him. I just love him effortlessly. "I suppose so."

"We should probably get back," John said. "Before we violate some unwritten rule here."

Screw it, she thought, reaching out and lacing her fingers through his. Catching his look of surprise, as he squeezed her hand in his. "I don't care anymore."

That's my girl, he thought, still more feisty and stubborn than she wants to admit. "We've been dating for nine months, Carter, and we were going to keep in under the radar until the jury came back. We'd appreciate if you would too. You ready to head back, Honey?"

She looked at him, ignoring her heart leaping into her throat at Carter's shock. "We should."

"The two of you?"

"Yes, the two of us," John said, tugging her closer to him. "We have a pretty good thing. Right?"

Max smiled despite her nerves. "I'd say it's pretty good."

Carter just looked at her for a long moment in her floral dress, army green jacket and boots, looking quite content, as John wrapped his arm back around her and she couldn't wipe the smile from her face when she looked at him. "Max, what about Kenny?"

"That isn't fair, Carter. He died," Max said softly. "More than six years ago."

He studied his old friend for a long moment. She cried, she fled this town, she was so cold here three years ago, except with her kids. "Max, are you happy?"

She nodded. "Very happy."

Carter stared at her, before breaking into a grin. "Then I'm happy for you."

Not pity, she thought, I think he really is. "Thanks."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago:**

 _"You're what?" Kenny asked, staring at her for a long moment. My wife, in tight t-shirt, short-shorts,_ _her short hair red again and she is so happy. Glowing. Elated. "Max?"_

 _She broke into a grin and nodded. "Kenny, I'm pregnant."_

 _He stepped back from her, and she's happy? My wife of two months. "Pregnant. We've been married for two months."_

 _She looked back at him, rubbing her flat stomach. "I know. I didn't expect, didn't plan, but I am. Come on, we weren't exactly careful on our honeymoon."_

 _"You missed one pill. You cannot get pregnant that easily. We were going to wait and see if this is what we really wanted."_

 _"You don't want our baby?"_

 _"Of course, I want our baby. You're sure?"_

 _"Yeah. Jill called me about my blood work from my physical. I'm eight-weeks along and… pregnant."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Are we doing this?" Max asked. Verdict in, Murphy is staying in jail…and we go home tomorrow. "You're holding my hand in public."

"I'm putting my moves on the Widow Lacos."

She leaned up against their rental car and smiled at him. "I believe your moves consisted of making out in the mud?"

"Ouch."

"You're a really good kisser if that helps."

"Oh?" he teased, lacing his other hand through hers. "You're not going to be so saintly after this."

"I never wanted to be a saint. Do I do to Sharon what they do to me?" Max asked. "Carter non-withstanding."

"Max."

"No. Every time I see her, talk to her, I'm so glad it's not me who is falling apart. I was able to get it together, partly because I didn't want to live like that. I should have helped her."

"You do. You stayed in her life. She loves her granddaughters. She needs more help than you can give her. Max, you moved to Chicago, so your kids could know his family. You're not perfect, you're not a saint, but this all about family attitude you have going on? It's a part of you I really like."

She let out a long breath. "How do you always know the right thing to say?"

"I love you. It makes it easy."

The best guy, she thought, ten years ago I never would have thought that we…would this have worked to years ago? If I wasn't such a freak about it? Don't do what ifs now. I had a wonderful marriage that I wouldn't trade for anything. "You really are too good for me."

"Get this straight in there, Honey, I'm a lucky guy. You and me? We're going to have a beautiful life together. Come here."

She didn't fight him, as he pulled her in and pressed his lips to hers by their car. Leaning into him, she kissed him back. Resting her head against his chest. The best guy, she thought again, the guy I want to raise my kids. The guy I want to marry. The guy I love.

He opened the car door for her. "Get in. We have dinner plans."

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"Look what we did," Max smiled, cuddling hours old Regan to her. Inhaling the scent of new baby, she marveled at the perfection of her. Smiling up at Kenny, she stroked their newborn's tiny limbs in wonder. "We made her."_

 _Elated, radiant, he thought, she should be exhausted. She can't stop smiling. "She's tiny."_

 _She didn't feel tiny coming out, Max thought, oh I didn't think I would feel like this. I love you, she thought, I want to give you the world. "Do you want to hold her?'_

 _"You two look pretty comfortable together."_

 _She pressed her lips to Regan's tiny head and leaned into Kenny. Our family, she thought, as he wrapped his arm around her on her hospital bed. Resting her head against his chest, she smiled at him again before looking back down at Regan. "This is really weird."_

 _"You're a natural at it."_

 _"Are you okay?"_

 _Just had a baby, he thought, she is so enraptured by her and she still picks up on that? How is she so sure with our daughter? "It's a big change, Max. You can't stop smiling."_

 _And you haven't, she thought, it's like he's afraid of her. "It is, and I can't. Are you okay?"_

 _No, he thought, no. How is she so comfortable and sure? I'm terrified that I'm going to break that six-pound baby in her arms. Max being so gentle and soft, this is a whole other side of her. "Pass her over, Max."_

* * *

 **Present**

"We're really doing this?" Max asked, as they sat in the Brock's driveway for a long moment. "Are we the last ones here?'

"Dinner at the Brocks? With you and me one of the main topics?" John asked. "Come on, you know that they had a predinner meeting all about you and me."

"I'm not going to be hostile, ungrateful or defensive. Or at least I'm going to try not to be."

"You can be brave and strong."

"A saint and martyr. I want to go home. Hang out with my kids. Get back to work. Day drink at book club. Get a hot dog with you without it being made a federal case over."

"Nice to have goals, Honey."

She leaned across the car and kissed him. "I love you. Are we ready?"

He kissed her back. "I am if you are, my brave, strong, saintly, martyr."

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"Oh, it's okay, Kiddo," Max whispered, changing her diaper. "You're okay. Ah, there you go, Regan."_

 _Picking up her two-month-old, she settled into the rocking chair with her. Squirmy, she thought, murmuring sweet nothings into her ear in the middle of the night. I kind of want a houseful of these, she thought, even if I have to get up in the middle of the night, while Kenny sleeps through it. Oh, I don't want to go back to work and leave her. No, I do, I really want to work, how do I just leave her? Shifting a now feeding Regan, she smiled down at her. I can. Work, be her mom, a wife, and me. Other people do this, so can I._

 _Burping her, she laid her back down in her crib. "See you in a few hours, Kiddo. I love you."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Breathe," John murmured in her ear, not letting go of her hand in the Brock living room. They are looking at us like we're out of our minds. Max, the patron saint of widows, she said she was out of her mind with grief, not able to take care of herself, she did flee from this place. "Yes, we've been dating."

She said she loved him, Jill thought, at lunch. She was talking about John? As nervous as she looks right now, she is glued to his side. John hasn't let go of her hand since they've been here. "Max, for how long?"

Be normal, Max thought, be who I am every day. He hasn't let go of me. Staking his claim, making it very clear that we're together. I'm not something for John or anyone to claim, stop it Max, he has his arms around you every day. You don't have a problem with it with our kids, at the pool, when we're out together, alone, you love it. The guy I love, she thought, there isn't wrong with us being together, and it's actually everything right. Screw it, he's the person I love and just agreed to live with. Breaking into a grin she said. "Nine months."

"Nine months?" Jimmy repeated, looking at the casual way John wrapped his arm around her waist and gave her a reassuring squeeze. Max looks stressed, but there is something…there is something. An ease, contentment, the way they are looking at each other. "The two of you?"

Do it for her, she's caught up in her own head here. "Yes, the two of us for nine months. We have a good thing between us and we can leave it at that."

Max can't stop smiling, Jill thought, even though she's trying to. Everything she said at brunch, it was about John. They were all friends and…Max and John. They weren't, not 10 years ago, they couldn't…it was always her and Kenny. I delivered their children, I watched them all in love and Max fall apart. How she's looking John right now, it's different… "Max, can you help me with the wine?"

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"What?" Max said, as Kenny practically dragged her into the coffee room her first week back from maternity leave. "Is everything okay?"_

 _He looked at her. So, poised, he thought, she just kissed Regan good-bye and promised her she'd be home soon. "You should go home."_

 _"Is Regan okay? Did her daycare call?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Then what is it? It's my first week back, I don't think Jimmy would appreciate me bailing. What's going on?'_

 _"You should be home with Regan, not here."_

 _She cocked her head to the side and looked at him. "I love Regan. I love being her mom. It was heart wrenching for me to put her daycare. I need this, Kenny. I get up every night with her. I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I want to work."_

 _"What happens if you get hurt? Shot? Killed?"_

 _"Morbid much? I can ask you the same thing."_

 _"I'm serious, Max."_

 _"Are you nervous about picking her up and being alone with her? We have a really awesome kid. You don't have to be afraid of her."_

 _"I am not afraid of our kid."_

 _"You've never been alone with her for more than 10 minutes. You're not going to break her. Seriously, I left her awake in a playpen while I took a shower. She survived it. If she cries she's probably wet or hungry. Or just crying. I can't keep doing it by myself."_

 _"Excuse me?"_

 _She held his gaze. "I know we were going to wait, and that Regan was a huge surprise."_

 _"You think I'm a bad father."_

 _"No. I think she makes you nervous. That you don't think you'll be a good dad. You are. There is no one else I would ever consider having a child with. We made a pretty good one. I'll see you tonight."_

* * *

 **Present**

Damn it, Max thought, this was a divide and conquer. No, I can do this. Taking a long drink of her wine, be myself, don't be hostile. Don't be a victim for them. Let them ask away. Let them judge me. Just Jill and me in the kitchen. Come with me to get another bottle of wine, she said, and I fell for it.

"I thought you two couldn't stand each other."

A simmering attraction, Max thought, something I couldn't deal with 10 years ago. "We changed. We connected in a way neither of us really saw coming. We got to be friends, neighbors, Kara still is my kid's favorite baby-sitter, we got hot dogs together every Wednesday, we really started hanging out together. It grew into something that I tried to deny was happening until…"

"Until what?" Jill pressed.

Screw it, just tell her. It's not a secret. "He had me over, we've spent a lot of time drinking wine on our porches as friends, actually we still do. We ended up playing soccer, I can't back down from a challenge like that…the yard was really wet and muddy, which ended up with me wet and muddy in a puddle. We just…ended up on the ground, laughing and…"

"And what?"

The way he looked at me, she thought, how gentle his hands were. How I felt so right in his arms. "Then I kissed him."

"You kissed him?"

Max smiled at that. "Yup. He kissed me back."

"That's it?"

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"You're late."_

 _Max looked up, after locking her gun in the drawer. "Sorry, I got caught up and…Are you okay? Why is Regan screaming?"_

 _He shifted a screaming Regan in his arms and stared at her. "I don't know, Max. I've changed her, burped her, put down, picked her up, gave her a bottle, a toy, music, everything. Can you please fix your daughter?"_

 _She leaned back against the counter, going against every instinct screaming inside her to cuddle and soothe her. "Well if I get myself killed, this is all on you."_

 _"Max, seriously?" he said, bouncing the red faced infant a bit. "That's your answer?"_

 _"She doesn't know you," Max blurted out. "She's not mine, she's ours. You need to start being her dad."_

 _"Max."_

 _I can't take it, she thought, Regan screaming and crying. Damn it, Kenny. No, he's just scared. Nervous. Crossing the room to them, she wrapped one arm around Kenny and laid her other hand on Regan's back. "Hey, there Kiddo."_

 _"Max, take her."_

 _She leaned into him, rubbing slow circles on her back and murmuring nonsense to her. "This is your dad, Regan, stop crying and freaking him out. Ah, that's my girl. See?"_

 _"How do you know how to do this?"_

 _"I learned," she said quietly, standing on her toes and kissing his cheek. "Like you can."_

* * *

 **Present**

"We have a wonderful life together in Chicago. It's a different one than I planned on," Max continued. "I'm really happy, Jill, and I didn't think I could be."

"With John."

"He and Kara are a big part of my life, and my kid's life. We were doing great before, this is just…I fell for him and I fell hard. We're planning our future together."

"Regan and Natalie like him?"

"Nat is especially attached. Regan is more hesitant, she needs to come around to things in her own time. She takes after me that way."

"You've moved on."

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting."

"Do you think Kenny would approve?"

Not fair, Max thought, he died. He left me alone to raise our kids and it shattered me. I don't even know if he would like this new me. The person I had to knit back together. "I would hope that he would be happy that me and his kids are doing good and have people in our lives who love us."

"Do you love John?"

"Yes," she started, as he phone rang. Pulling it out of her pocket, she tried not to grimace. "Completely and totally love him. I need to take this."

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _Kenny kissed the top of her head, as she snuggled in closer to him on the couch. Max and Regan, he thought, this is all I need. Just the three of us. "Honey?"_

 _"Hmm?"_

 _Eight months old, he thought, watching her play on the floor. She looks so much like Max too. My reckless, feisty, stubborn, wife, who is just so soft, loving, and so completely into being a mom. She's making it look easy. Ah, Max, what are you doing? Kissing her back. "Wait."_

 _"Since when?" she teased, smiling at him. "I don't think she'll be scarred for life. I want you inside me."_

 _"Jesus Christ, Max. Wait."_

 _"For what?" she teased, shifting so she was straddling him. "I miss this."_

 _"Regan is right there."_

 _"Regan is eight-months old. Come on."_

 _"You just started taking the pill again. We don't have protection."_

 _She smiled at him. "You don't want me to get pregnant? What are the chances of it happening twice?"_

 _"You missed one, and suddenly we had a baby. I'm not taking the chance."_

 _"You don't want to have another one?"_

 _"No. Just one."_

* * *

 **Present**

"What?" Max said. "Mel, I can hardly…What happened?"

"It's Mom. She found out you left the kids with John's mom and…She flipped out."

Regan, Nat… "Is she okay?"

"No, she isn't. John's mom didn't call you?"

She glanced at the living room door. "No. What happened?"

"She went there, she tried to drag Regan and Nat out with her."

My babies, she thought, her heart dropping to her knees. "I need to call them."

"Mom had a heart attack."

"Max?" John called, bursting into the kitchen, phone in hand and staring at her. "We need to go home."

* * *

 **TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**Present:**

"It's okay, Nat," Max said, listening to her sobbing daughter on the phone. My baby, I need to hug her, make it better, my sunshine and rainbows kid in tears. "I love you so much, Kiddo."

"I want you, Mommy. I want you right now."

I shouldn't have come here. I should have never left them. I didn't have to testify…I can't abandon them. Don't cry, oh Nat, you're breaking my heart. "I'm right here, Sweetie. I'll stay up all night talking to you."

"I want you here. Mommy, I need you."

She looked up at John, who was still talking to Mel after they traded phones in the Brock kitchen. This can't be happening. I vowed to keep them safe, give them a wonderful life…My babies. My hard-headed Regan and my sunshine filled Nat, my kiddos. And Alice, she did this for me, took care of my kids for three days and… "I'll be there tomorrow, Nat, I promise. We'll do whatever you and Regan want."

"Is Grandma dead? Is she with our dad?"

"No, she's okay. Aunt Melanie, Uncle Colin and Grandpa are all there with her."

"Is she going to come take us again?"

"Never, Sweetie. You, me and Regan, we're a team, right? We're sticking together."

"With John and Kara? They're on our team?"

John is so on our team, she thought, as he finally hung up and laid his hand on her shoulder. Reaching up, she took his hand in hers. "Always, Kiddo."

"John won't let Grandma take us away? Kara says he helps kids. Like you do, Mommy. Mommy, come home, please come home, Mommy."

She wiped her tears. Keep it together for Nat. I can dissolve into a bucket of tears when she's okay. "I'll be there tomorrow, Nat. We'll go home. Make some cookies, read, whatever you guys I want. Nat, you're safe with Ms. Alice, she won't let anything happen to you."

"Kara is letting me and Regan sleep with her."

I could hug Kara right now. John raised an amazing kid…He should be raising mine with me. "That's great. You can sleep, have slumber party, and tomorrow we'll all be together. I can't wait to see you and Regan."

"Is John going to keep you safe from Grandma?"

Kneading my shoulders, he won't stop touching me right now. It's because of this that Sharon… no, Sharon let her grief control her. Even if I had told her…I don't know. I need to focus on my kids. "He will."

"I love you, Mommy."

"I love you too, Kiddo."

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"I want a houseful," Max said, still straddling his lap. "Being a mom is…I love it. Regan is amazing, and…really?"_

 _"I can handle Regan, Max. I love Regan. You know how long…I can't do it again. You just got your body back."_

 _She slid off his lap and stood up. "My body?"_

 _"You gained 25 pounds with her. You look better now."_

 _"I grew a person inside me. I'm sorry if my flabby stomach offended you after that."_

 _"Max."_

 _"Do not touch me," she stated, pulling back from him. "If you think you can handle putting her to bed alone, I'm going to take a walk."_

 _"Don't you walk out on me."_

 _"Got to keep myself thin and pretty for you."_

 _"Max, knock it off," he started, as Regan began to cry. "See? This is why we don't need another one."_

 _I do want another one, she thought, scooping up their wailing child. I really want a big family with him. "Hey, Kiddo. Oh, you're wet."_

 _"Do you want me to do it?"_

 _Max pressed her lips to Regan's head. Regan, named after Kenny's mom's maiden name, I didn't know I would love her this much. "I got it."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"You okay?"

"I want to hug my kids and never let go," she started, as they just stood in the Brock kitchen. "Regan bit her and threw a shoe and Nat…my ball of sunshine, she never cries like that. Everyone and everything is always good and wonderful with her. Your mom, Kara, they shouldn't have…I'm so sorry."

"Don't you apologize for Sharon."

"I shouldn't have left them."

"Yeah? She has a key to your house. It could have been much worse. You need to change your locks, take her off your pick-up lists, all of it. They are not going near her until she is evaluated by a shrink and cleared. You guys can stay with us."

"I don't need you to take care of me."

"Tough. You have me," he stated, keeping his arms firmly around her. "I switched our flights to the crack of dawn. There is nothing out until then. Max, look at me, they're okay. They're your kids, you've raised them to be independent and strong."

She gulped. I want to fight. Scream. I want to run home and never let them out of my sight. I love them so much, I vowed to give them a great life. "Your mom and Kara? Are they…Kara, is she okay? I know she has to be freaked out."

"She is," John started, not taking his eyes off her. "So is my mother. Don't you dare apologize to me. Come here."

She sunk into his arms, and he held her tightly to him. I don't deserve him. I built a wonderful life with him, and let my old friends and family...I let myself forget other people hurt too. How could I just fall in love so easily?

"John? Max? Is everything okay?"

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"Don't," Max said, after she put Regan to bed. 'Kenny, stop."_

 _He looked at her in her long sleeve t-shirt and gym shorts. "Really, Max?"_

 _She stepped back from him. "I'm not exactly in the mood."_

 _"Because I don't want to knock you up? We didn't even know if we wanted kids before you got pregnant with Regan."_

 _"You just want a pretty girl on your arm?"_

 _"We have a kid, Max. You get to be a mom. Why can't this be enough?"_

 _She held his gaze. We do have Regan, and she's wonderful. Kenny is good with her…He loves her. He loves me. "Why don't you want another one?"_

 _"I didn't want the first one."_

 _I can't, she thought, I thought the three of us were okay. "Is that how you still feel?"_

 _"She's my daughter. I love her. I don't want anymore. Why can't she be enough for you?"_

 _She gulped. We can give her a great life. She'll be so loved. Even if she was never what Kenny wanted…why did he marry me then? We never even talked about kids. I wasn't even sure until I felt her move inside of me the first time, and then when I held her? Just Regan. I can do this. "Regan is more than enough."_

 _"Come on," he said, slipping his fingers into her shorts. "Lets go to bed."_

* * *

 **Present**

"We're fine, right?" John said, not letting her out of his grasp. "Honey?"

She took a steadying breath. I won't be fine until I have my arms around them. "That's not the word I'd use."

"Max?" Jimmy pushed, seeing a familiar pain in her face. "What is it?"

Sharon, my kids, how do I do this? She had a heart attack after scaring the crap out of them. I'm so angry at her and…she could have died. She's Kenny's mom. She lost her son and now…I should have done more for her. "Sharon had a heart attack. Mel said she's okay, but…I just need to get home."

"Kenny's mom?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"It's going to be fine," John said, as they just looked at each other. Ah, Max, you look so wrecked over this. "First thing in the morning, right?"

She nodded. Sharon has been devastated and I've been playing house and starting a new family. I'm giving Kenny's kids to John. The kids he never wanted. I'm an awful person. "Yeah."

Heart attack after she tried to kidnap her kids. She considers them her family, they are Nat and Regan's… "Do you want to get out of here?"

All I want is his arms around me and a good 10 minutes of sobbing. He gives the best hugs. "We should."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _No, no, no, Max thought, throwing up again. I'm on the pill, Kenny always uses a condom…like he doesn't trust me. He bugged me to get an implant, but I refused. I'm not. I can't be…I want to be. I do want another baby. No, it's the flu. Right…every morning. This is how I felt with Regan._

 _"Max?"_

 _She pushed back from the toilet and splashed water on her face. Home from his overnight shift…I can't. It's been a good two months… he loves Regan and me. There is enough for this one. "In the bathroom. Give me a minute."_

 _Looking at herself, she grimaced, as she heard Regan making happy noises as her dad picked up her up from the crib. He's going to hate me. If I am…it'll be okay. He came around to Regan, he can come around to this one._

 _"Max?" he asked, knocking on the bathroom door. "You alive?"_

 _Not yet, not until I know one way or the other. Forcing herself to smile, she opened the bathroom door. "Here are my two-favorite people."_

* * *

 **Present**

Silent, tense, John thought, her hands are shaking. Ignoring his packing, he took her hand in his and wrapped his arms around her again. "What's going on in there?"

"John, I'm fine."

"You know it's okay not to be? You don't have to be brave and strong. Not with me."

"If I start crying, I might not stop."

"We have all night," he said softly. "Regan and Nat are sleeping and are looking forward to seeing their mom tomorrow. Get it out now, so you can be there for them."

"Sharon loves them so much because they're Kenny's kids," Max said quietly. The thing I never told anyone. "He never wanted them."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _"Three months?" Kenny stated, looking at his wife who was standing on the other side of the kitchen island from him. "How long have you known?"_

 _"A few weeks."_

 _"Damn it, Max."_

 _"I was afraid to tell you. I know you didn't want this."_

 _"But you did. How did you do it?"_

 _She rested her hand on her flat stomach. "I took my pill every day, and you wear a condom every time we have sex. I didn't do anything beside ovulate."_

 _"And you're knocked up."_

 _"You had a part in it," she stated. "Okay, yes, I wanted another baby, but we agreed that we wouldn't. That Regan was enough…I'm excited to be pregnant. To grow our family and…to give Regan a little brother or sister."_

 _"Regan would be fine as an only child."_

 _This hurts, she thought, I love him so much, I've loved him since I was 23 and couldn't spit it out. "You don't want me to have it."_

 _"You're three months pregnant. You made it very difficult for you not to have it. Good job, Max."_

 _Don't cry, she thought, don't fall apart. Regan and this peanut need me. "I can do this on my own if you're that opposed."_

 _"You're going to leave me?"_

 _"I love you," she said softly. "I can take care of this baby inside me alone if you don't want to."_

 _"You wanted to be a mom more than you wanted to be my wife. You could have gotten yourself pregnant by anyone and had a kid, Max. You had to drag me along for the ride?"_

 _She stepped back like he slapped her at that. No able to stop her tears, she fled upstairs._

* * *

 **Present**

"What?" John said, as she finished choking it out to him. "He said all that?"

"I keep thinking," she sobbed into his chest, as he didn't let go of her. "He didn't want Nat, he hated that I was pregnant…he went into that house…if wasn't distracted, if we weren't fighting…he might have, we might have…"

"You get that out of your head right now. It's crap, Max, total crap."

"The last thing I said to him was that I wanted a divorce."

John hugged her tighter at that, as she sobbed against him. "It's okay. You're okay."

"It wasn't fair. He died thinking I hated him. I loved him…I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but not if…we wanted different things. It was so hard and... then he died, and I couldn't…"

She became a sainted cop's widow, a martyr to his family, John thought, the mother of his children. She'll never tell them either, she'll never do that to Regan and Nat. Sharon, trying to take them, oh Max. No pity, she'll never forgive me. Just let her cry it out. "He loved you. He would have loved Nat because she's a part of you. You're an amazing mother and I know you were a great wife. Kenny was a lucky guy."

"I can't do this."

"You can do anything."

"Why is it so easy for you to the love them?"

When they're father didn't want them, John thought, how could he do this to her? They would have grown up knowing…no. Oh, Max. "They are very easy to love, Max. I do partly because they are yours, but mostly because they are wonderful kids. I love watching you with them. That prickly deputy I knew? I never would have guessed would be such a warm, loving, devoted, mom, and one of the things I love best about you and them? Despite you being devoted is that you let them explore, get messy, make mistakes, learn from them, and they have. Regan may conquer the world and I really can't resist Nat. Seriously, Max, that girl makes my heart melt, which I need some days because her mom makes it race."

She clung tighter to him. "I promised they would have a great life."

"They do."

"They can't know. Ever."

"Never. It doesn't leave this room."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _Max smiled despite her nerves, as she cuddled with 16-month-old Regan on the couch, who was happily patting her seven-month pregnant stomach, while she read to her. "Pretty neat, Kiddo, huh?"_

 _"Baby."_

 _"Yes, baby," Max smiled. "You are going to be such a great big sister."_

 _"Mama."_

 _She kissed the top of her head. I can do this. Kenny is basically ignoring me at home…we're good at faking it in public. He can't even look at me. It's 15 pounds and I'm disgusting to him. He hates this baby in me. I need to make some decisions…I can't live like this. Jumping at the door opening and closing, she tried not to wince at Regan's squeal of delight. She loves her daddy, I'll never take that away from her._

 _"Max?" he asked, watching them on the couch together. Seven-months, he thought, looking at her bulging stomach. Another kid in there…she's glowing, radiant, and looking at me like she wants to flee the room. "I tried calling."_

 _"I had the ringer off. We took a nap together and…I forgot about it."_

 _"You feel okay?"_

 _"Yeah," she started. It's been an easy pregnancy. "I found out it's a girl."_

 _He nodded, watching Regan continue to rub circles on her stomach and babble on. How is she doing this? Pregnant, mom, cop, she's so sure…every time I change a diaper, am alone with Regan, it's… Max took to this. She loves this…I don't know what to do about this new version of my wife. "Do you want me to take Regan for a while?"_

 _"Do you want to join us? We're just reading and stuff."_

 _"I'm going to hop in the shower. I'll see you later."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Mommy," Nat continued, as Max held her tightly. "Mommy, don't go."

She squeezed her and Regan tighter for a long moment. "Never, Kiddo."

"Grandma is crazy, Mom," Regan said. "Mom, it's too tight."

Regan, she thought, easing off a bit. My hardheaded Regan…she is all me. "She isn't crazy. She's just sad and it makes her do…she isn't thinking clearly."

"Don't let Grandma take us, Mommy," Nat said, not letting go. "I want to stay with you and John."

John who loves all of us, she thought, he loves us so easily. My happiest kid, my ball of sunshine, is a sobbing mess. "We're going home."

"Mommy."

Oh, she isn't letting go, Max thought. She is getting too big for me to pick up…no, I got this. "I'm right here. I'm never leaving you, Nat."

"Max," John said, seeing her valiant attempt at not bursting into tears again wavering. "We got to talk about…some adult stuff."

"Crazy Grandma stuff?" Regan asked, hugging Natalie too. "She made Nat cry, John. Nat is always happy, Grandma shouldn't do that."

He nodded, looking at Nat clinging to Max. "You're right. Do you guys want to hang out for a few minutes before we go? Make sure you have all your stuff?"

"I want Mommy."

Max pressed her lips to her head. "I think Ms. Alice made you cookies. Then we'll go home, Nat."

Nat hugged her one more time before letting go and taking Regan's hand. "No one is coming?"

"No one," John said, seeing Max's stricken expression. "It's just us. Can you get me a cookie too?"

She nodded. "They're good."

"I know, my mom made them for me when I was a kid."

"Come on, Nat," Regan said, tugging on her hand. "They have to talk about grown up stuff. Let's eat cookies with Kara before Mom makes us veggies at home."

"Thank you," Max blurted out. "I am so sorry, Alice… I didn't think. I'm so sorry."

"You and those girls are important to John, therefore you're important to me," Alice said. "It was unfortunate. Regan and Natalie are fine, I would have never let them go with her."

She nodded, very grateful for John's arm around her at that moment. "Thank you."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _"You're going to leave me?" Kenny asked, tossing the papers at her. "What do you think you're doing looking for places to live? You are my wife, Max!"_

 _She stepped back, resting her hand on her eight and half month pregnant stomach. "You won't talk to me. You don't touch me…You resent me. How can we…Stop punishing me."_

 _"I love you. I need you. No, I need the woman I married. Not this…you're all about Regan. Now this new baby. You're not just a mom."_

 _She stared at him. "I know that. I'm still me, Kenny, look at me. You're the one who pushed me away the minute I told you. I love being a mom, but it's not all I am."_

 _"Really? When is the last time we did anything not baby related?"_

 _"When is the last time you bothered to talk to me? God, Kenny, we could talk about anything. Yes, I love Regan, I love our daughter who is growing inside me. I'm still me. If you don't know that…Do even want me anymore? I can't live like this."_

 _"You want a divorce."_

 _She stared at him. "I want you and our kids. I married you. I love you. If that isn't enough? Then I do want a divorce."_

 _"You got it. I'm going to work. Good-bye, Max."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Why didn't John and Kara stay?" Regan asked.

"I wanted to spend time with my girls," Max stated, looking at the disarray in her kitchen as they made cookies. I do want him and Kara with us, but we need this time. "That's something, Nat."

She smiled at her mom as she took a big bite of the batter. "Can we eat it all?"

"You'll puke," Regan said. "Right, Mom?"

"One more, Kiddo," she said. "Then into the oven. What do you guys think? Why don't we order pizza, we'll eat these cookies…How about some soccer?"

Nat ran to her and hugged her again, getting batter all over her leggings. "Just us?"

Team Lacos, she thought, it's always been the three of us. "Just us girls today, Nat."

"I want John to stay with us. I want him to be my Daddy and Ms. Alice to be my Grandma. Kara said we were her sisters to Grandma and we weren't going with her."

Max slid the cookie sheets in the oven and turned back to her kids. Oh, Kara, you wonderful child you. "You like John?"

"Mom," Regan sighed. "We're not dumb. Of course, we like John. He's fun and he makes you smile. He plays with us. He takes care of us."

She nodded at that. "You know John really likes you guys too."

"Are you going to marry him, Mommy?" Nat asked. "He can be our Daddy and you can be Kara's Mommy. I never had a Daddy."

You never did, Max thought, you probably wouldn't even if Kenny lived. He was such a good man, except with this. "What would you guys think about the three of us, John and Kara living together?"

"Like a family? He'd be my Daddy? Can I call him Daddy?" Nat asked. "I want him to be my Daddy."

Max wrapped her arms around Nat and hugged her closely. "It's something we need to talk to John about."

"He doesn't want to be?"

"Nat, John loves Mom," Regan piped up. "That means he loves us and Mom loves Kara. We're going to be a family. Mom why haven't you married John yet?"

"Oh, you two," she sighed. God, they're wonderful. So very different, I do wish Kenny got to know them. I think he really would have liked them. "You want John and me to get married?"

Regan nodded, as they used their fingers to scoop cookie batter into their mouths. "Mom, what are you waiting for?"

"He hasn't asked me."

"You can ask him."

Max smiled at that, enjoying the raw cookie dough with them. Marry John, she mused, it isn't as scary as it sounded before. "Why don't we work up to that, Kiddo? Let's make these cookies first."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _"Max?" Jill said, watching her grieving friend hold her daughter for the first time. "She's perfect."_

 _Max nodded numbly, stroking the tiny limbs and her heart warming slightly at the tiny person she had just brought into the world. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, we wouldn't…Kenny would…no, it's not this babies fault. She is brand new in this world, I'll never blame her for this. No one can ever know that we…it's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed him so hard. I could have been happy with just him and Regan…now this. I can't do this._

 _"Max?" Jill pushed, just watching her. "She's beautiful."_

 _Max nodded, kissing the top of her head. She is. I love you so much. You, me and Regan, we'll be okay. "She is."_

 _"Did you have any names picked out?"_

 _Max looked up. "Natalie. Regan picked it after her favorite book character. Natalie Rebecca Lacos."_

 _Jill smiled at that. "That's beautiful."_

 _Max gulped and nodded. Just the three of us now. "Is Regan here? I want her to meet her sister."_


	9. Chapter 9

**Present**

"No, Mommy," Nat said, hugging her. "Don't leave us."

Max hugged her back, looking at John over her head. "I'm never leaving you, Nat. I need to go see your, Grandma, Kiddo. I don't think you want to come with me."

"Grandma might hurt you."

"Hey, she loves you and Regan so much. She's just sad. What she did was wrong, but we're going to make sure she gets better. You and Regan are going to hang out with John for a few hours, go to swim team and then…Oh, Sweetie."

"Nat," John said, looking at his very shaky girlfriend with her clinging six-year-old. "I'm pretty excited to hang out with you and Regan."

"No. You should protect, Mommy."

"I would if she would let me."

"Mommy? Can we all go with you? You can see Grandma and we can stay with John? Then he can save you from Grandma if she does something bad?'

She gulped, I don't want them near her. Catching John's eye, he nodded, as she stroked back Nat's hair. He loves us, he's doing this for me. How can he love me after I told him all that? "Tell you what, Kiddo, if you and Regan stay with John the whole time, sure. Can you promise me?"

She nodded. "I love you, Mommy."

"Max," John said. So lovely, he thought, in leggings and a purple sweater. I love this mama-bear thing she has going on. "Go get your coat and sister, Nat."

"You'll take care of Mommy?"

"I always will," he said, as Nat reluctantly let go and ran upstairs. "You okay?"

She shook her head. "They slept with me last night. Nat hasn't let me out of her sight."

"I'm asking about you."

She shook her head, as he hugged her tightly for a long moment. He gives the best hugs, she thought, I belong in his arms. My kids belong with him. "I'm not okay. I need to go see her. I know my kids will be okay with you."

He pressed his lips to her head. "I love you and those girls."

She looked up at him. "Still?"

"More and more every day. You've got my heart, Honey. Getting to have this family with you is a bonus. Are you crying?"

"You need to warn me before you say such sweet things."

"I should have told you years ago."

She looked up at him. Attraction, she thought, it was there, we both know it. My marriage, whatever problems it had, I loved him. I wouldn't have Regan or Nat. What if we…no. I can't go there. "I wish I ran into you sooner when I moved here."

"I wish we tried this 10 years ago."

"I would have fallen for you. We would have run off and eloped to avoid the scandal it would have been in that town. I wouldn't have Regan and Nat. We'd have…whatever kids we would've had."

"We would have made amazing kids."

She smiled at that. "They would have been."

"It's not too late."

She looked at him with that. "To have a baby? I'm 39 and you're 41. You want to have a baby? Now?"

"Well, nine months from now."

She stared at him like he was out of his mind. "Are you serious?"

"About having a baby? I am. What do you say?"

"I loved being pregnant, feeling it growing and moving…Are we really doing this?"

"Well, I rather we get married first, but you did point out our age thing."

She gulped, as she heard Nat and Regan clamor down the stairs. Another kid? With the man who wants to have kids with me? Who wants to marry me? Who my kids were vocal about wanting to the be their dad yesterday. "I'd like to do both those things."

He nodded, letting her go. "We should get on both of those projects then. Hey, Ladies, you ready to go?"

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _No one can know, Max thought, feeding Natalie. I can never tell anyone that Kenny and I, he died, I can't. He could have waited for back up and…he wasn't thinking because of me._

 _"There you go, Sweetheart."_

 _It's my fault. We would have worked it out. I loved him so much…he loved me and Regan. He could have loved Natalie too. I could have gotten my tubes tied, anything, to make him happy and trust me._

 _"Max?"_

 _She looked up from a sleepy Natalie. "I'm almost done, Sharon."_

 _"Kenny would have loved her so much."_

 _Not unless I made him. I can't…she's his mom. My kids, his family, no one will ever know how he felt about them._

* * *

 **Present**

John and my kids at the park, Max thought, while I do this. Nat holding me tightly again, before taking John's offered piggyback ride. Kids. With John. Marriage. The best guy. Focus, Max, focus.

"Max."

She looked up and shook herself out of it. "Hank. I am so sorry."

She stiffened briefly while he hugged her. "I'm very glad you're here."

"How is she?"

"She's stable. You didn't bring the kids?"

"Nat is pretty freaked out and Regan is being her super protective older sister. They need some time to deal with it."

"Are they still with that woman?"

Max shook her head. "She's been very kind to them."

"They're with him."

"They really like him. Hank, I didn't plan on this. I really like him too."

"He makes you happy?"

She nodded. "Very happy."

"That's what matters. I'm happy for you. Come on."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _"I don't want any of it."_

 _"You can't throw away your entire life, Max."_

 _She looked up at that, before down to Nat in her sling and Regan happily occupied with her book. None of it. Fresh start. With their family. "No. Donate it, Jill. I don't need it."_

 _"Max, you're not thinking clearly."_

 _"I packed what we needed and wanted. The house is sold. We're leaving tomorrow."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Where are my grandchildren?"

Calm, rational, Max thought, I'm okay because of them. "They're still upset and confused about yesterday. How are you feeling, Sharon?"

"You left my grandchildren, Kenny's children, with them?"

"They like spending time with John. He's very good with them. His own daughter is 15 and he is really is a great dad."

"Not to my grandkids. They belong to Kenny."

He didn't want them…he didn't really want me anymore. "I would hope Kenny would like that there is someone who loves them. He does, Sharon. He loves my girls and he loves me."

"Kenny would be so ashamed of you. You're a slut."

She gulped at that. "You're my family. I hope you feel better soon, but I'm going to go."

"Mom, leave her alone," Mel said. "Good to see you, Max."

"You too," Max said. "We should get dinner this week."

"He's a nice guy, Mom," Mel said. "Regan and Nat really like him. He and Colin played soccer with the kids for hours. Cut Max a break, she met a nice guy who is super into her and likes her kids. Max can't cry on the couch with you forever."

"You want that man raising your brother's kids?"

"Max is raising them. If she thinks John is good enough for her and them? I believe her."

"You no good tramp. Kenny was going to take them and leave you."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"We're such adults," Max sighed, looking at their house. "We don't have enough to fill it."_

 _He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. "Come on, it's perfect for us."_

 _She leaned back against him, enjoying his attentions. "Plenty of bedrooms and a big yard. We can raise a family here."_

 _"I just want you."_

 _"Your wife of three weeks?" she teased, turning and kissing him. "We should break this house in."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Why haven't you married my Mom?" Regan asked. "I know you love her. Nat and I want you to be our Dad and Kara to be our sister. I told her she should ask you to marry her, but she said we had to bake cookies."

John looked at her for a long moment. She looks and acts just like Max. This smart, well spoken, independent, determined, how could Kenny not want these kids? "You want me to marry your mom?"

"You and Mom are in love. She wants to marry you."

"Did your mom tell you that?"

Regan sighed. "Mom doesn't have to say it. You guys kiss all the time. Are you going to marry my mom?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

Regan nodded. "Yes. Is it a big one?"

John pulled the ring box out of his pocket and opened it. "Do you think your mom will like it?"

She nodded and smiled at him. "Mom will love it because it's from you."

* * *

 **Present**

"I'm going," Max said, stepping back. "I hope you get better soon, Sharon."

"Slut!"

They can't know, I can never tell them…let them think Kenny was a saint. That we were a perfect family. My kids can never know. I did love him, I would have fought to make it work. A new life…is John serious about having a baby? Leaning against the corridor wall she let out a long breath.

"I'm sorry for her."

"She's hurt," Max said. "Hank, I'm never going to cut her or any of you out of our life. You're our family…my family just got a little bigger with John and Kara. I didn't want you to find out the way you did. It wasn't right."

"I think of you as my daughter."

"Even if," she trailed off. "What if we want to…We're talking about moving in together."

"Is that what you want?"

"I want to be with him, Hank. I want him to raise Nat and Regan with me. I want to be whatever Kara needs me to be for her."

He looked at her for a long moment. "I think Kenny would like you to move on and be happy."

Kenny and I were talking about divorce. No, we would have made it work…he would have loved his kids. We would have been a great family. "Yeah."

"When Sharon is better…we should all have dinner. I would like to get to know the man who will be joining us for Sunday dinner and raising my grandchildren."

Don't cry, Max thought, please don't cry now. "I'd really like that."

* * *

 **One Year Ago**

 _"You didn't have to," Max said, taking the bouquet of roses. "These are beautiful."_

 _"They have nothing on you."_

 _She smiled at that, very aware of her short dress and carefully curled hair. "It took me a long time to make myself look like this."_

 _A far cry from her this morning in a t-shirt, boxer shorts and pony tail. From adorable to very hot. Four months, we just slept together, and she is looking like…she shouldn't be able to look like this. All lace, hugging all her curves, this hair…her smiling at me like that. "I'm going to have the prettiest date on my arm tonight."_

 _She fiddled with her curls, as he helped her with her coat and nuzzled her neck a bit. "You're sweet."_

 _I'm falling in love with her, he thought, if I'm not there already. Slowly, she is still skittish, even if she just melts into me. I can't stop touching her…she smells amazing. Me and Max. God, she fits so well in my arms. Squeezing her from behind, he kissed her cheek. "You ready to go?"_

 _I'd go anywhere with him, she thought, what is happening to me? I sleep with him once and suddenly I'm all mushy? He does have amazing hands. Falling, this is dangerous, I'm falling for this guy. "Well, I am all dressed up and my kids are at their grandparents for the night."_

 _He kissed her for a long moment before pulling back. "We don't have to go anywhere. That dress is itching to be peeled off you."_

 _She smiled at that, very tempted by that. "This is your work fundraiser, John. Help the helpless and all? Peeling this off me can wait."_

 _He kissed her again. "We should go. If we don't...Max."_

 _She stepped back and intertwined her fingers with his. "Control yourself, Counselor."_

* * *

 **Present**

"You spoil me," Max sighed, taking the offered candy bar. "And half a flat soda?"

"You're worth it," he said, watching her kids play on the jungle gym. "They're good, Honey. Your protective streak is showing. Max, you let them go sledding on tv trays and slide down the banister."

She smiled at that. "Are you going to tell me I'm reckless?"

"I like to think you matured a bit."

"Having them changed me."

"Nah. You're still that hardheaded, stubborn and antagonistic person who gets under my skin."

"You do say such nice things to me. When did Kara get here? I thought she was studying."

"She wanted to hang out with us. I know, my 15-year-old, wanted to hang out with a six and eight-year-old, her dad, and his girlfriend. We must be doing something right. You okay? How is she?"

She shook her head and gave him the short version. "I don't know what to do."

"You're not letting her near Regan and Nat."

"That's a given right now. How is Nat? She's breaking my heart."

"I stuffed her full of sugar and sent out on a playground. She just needs you."

Max gulped. "She wants you too. She kept asking me if you were going to be her dad…if she could call you Daddy."

"Is this the same conversation that Regan asked you why we weren't getting married and told you that you should ask me? If Nat wants me to be her dad, Max, I'm in."

"Regan told you that? Of course, it's what Nat wants."

"Regan is all you. I'd love to be both of their dads. Did you guys bake good cookies?"

"I burned them because we were playing soccer."

Emotionally wrecked, he thought, worried about her kids. I can't ask her this now, I really want to. I don't want to waste anymore time with her, we belong together. "How do you feel about being Kara's stepmom? She's 15, I know she likes you, but she's a teenager. She can be moody and rebellious. She's dating. She skirts her curfew to the minute. You up for that?"

She nodded. "If you think you can handle being Nat's jungle gym and Regan thinking she is grown enough to ask you why you haven't married me."

"It's a question I've been asking myself."

She looked at him with that. "What?"

"Why haven't I married this smart, funny, gorgeous, kind, loving, completely under my skin, wonderful woman?" he said, standing and holding his hand out to her. "Max?"

She looked at him, as he tugged on her hand, so she stood up with him. "John?"

"I'd love to be their dad…I'd love for you to be Kara's mom…or whatever she needs you to be," he said, brushing back her hair, as Kara brought Regan and Nat over. "I love you, Honey, I want you to be my wife. Let's not waste any more time. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. Maxine Lacos, will you marry me?"

"Yes," she said softly, without any hesitation, as Regan and Nat squealed. Smiling, as he slid the sapphire and diamond ring on her finger. "Of course, yes, John."

"Yes, huh?" he teased, kissing her for a long moment as their kids watched. "No tears?"

She shook her head. "Probably later."

"Mommy!" Nat cried, hugging her tightly. "You and John are getting married?"

"You bet, Kiddo," John said, hoisting her up. "You okay with me marrying your mom?"

She nodded. "Are you going to be my daddy now?"

He caught Max's eye and she nodded. "I would love to be both your and Regan's dad, Nat. I think it's something the five of us need to hammer out. Kara? You okay?"

She nodded. "Max, are you going to be my mom?"

"I'd love to be," Max said, as Regan pressed herself close to her. Wrapping her arm around her, she squeezed her tighter. "If you want me to be. Oh."

She hugged her back, a bit surprised by Kara's burst of affection toward her. Our new family, the five of us, do not cry. Did I just agree to marry him? Oh, I do love him so much. Catching John's eye, she smiled, this is happening. Married, this new family we're starting, oh I didn't see this coming. Effortless, it's so easy with us, how can it be so easy? How can this man just love me and my kids like this?

"You guys want to go home?" John asked. "We can fire up the grill, take it easy?"

* * *

 **One Year Ago**

 _"I do know you," he said. "Yeah. Bartell's, right?"_

 _Did I really think that sleeping around for a year wouldn't come back to bite me, she thought, oh what was I thinking? "Yeah, I think I've been there. I don't remember you."_

 _"I remember you. You're John's girl?"_

 _"Yes, we're seeing each other," Max started. I slept with this guy? What was I thinking when I was doing this? "How do you two know each other?"_

 _He smiled at her slowly. "We work together. John, it's about time you brought your girlfriend to one of these."_

 _John hand her a glass of wine and slipped his arm around her again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to ditch you."_

 _How do I tell him this? How many people did I… "You didn't."_

 _"I was keeping her company for you."_

 _John shot her a look, trying to get a read off her. Something is up with her. Later. "I'm going to steal her for a few."_

* * *

 **Present**

"I don't remember my mom," Kara said, joining her on the porch. "Dad is all that I really had."

Max looked at her. "Your dad is a really good guy, Kara. You are very lucky to be raised by him."

"He's the best dad and he is going to take such good care of Regan and Nat."

She nodded. "I wouldn't marry him if I thought he wouldn't."

"He's my dad and…it's just been me and him. I never had a mom."

"Hey," Max said softly. "I know we…I'd love to be your mom, Kara. If we're not there yet, I really like being your friend."

"My dad really loves you."

"I love him too."

"Can I call you Mom sometimes? To see and…I don't know."

"You can call me whatever you want."

* * *

 **One Year Ago**

 _"You slept with him?"_

 _Max winced hearing the lawyer tone in his voice. "I don't remember. I had a good year of sleeping around."_

 _"I work with the guy and he," John said. "He saw you naked. You let him touch you and…Max."_

 _She wrapped her arms around herself. "It was before we were even…Are you really mad at me?"_

 _"For something you did before we even ran into each other? No. How many, Max?"_

 _"I don't know. Twenty. Thirty. I just," she started. "I was lonely. I didn't want a boyfriend. I just wanted to feel something. It was just…I never brought them home with me. Did you ever just want to feel?"_

 _"It took you four months to sleep with me."_

 _"I slept with you, in my bed and home. You weren't some man I picked up in the bar. I wanted to see you the next morning. John, I really like spending time with you. I want to be with you."_

 _He looked at her for a long moment. "I want to be with you too, Honey."_

 _She smiled at that. "You're the only one I want touching me now. John, I… I'm not a tramp."_

 _"I know who you are. I like who you are. I don't like that a guy I see everyday has…I can deal with it, Max. You're worth it to me."_

* * *

 **Present**

"This looks good on you," John said, lacing his fingers through hers. "We got some things to figure out."

"Like how I really don't want you to leave tonight?"

He nodded, as they stood together in her kitchen, while their kids watched a movie. "You have the bigger house. Wedding? I meant it when I said I don't want to waste any more time with you. I'd do it tomorrow. As for having a kid? I'm happy to start that right now."

"You're very blunt."

"You okay?"

She smiled up at him. "Today was kind of a whirlwind. I didn't expect you to pop out a ring and propose to me. Or for us to be talking about having a kid. I was excited about moving in together and…You kind of blew up my life a bit with the rest. In a good way. Oh."

He pressed his lips to hers. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to marry you."

"Well good because you said yes to that a few hours ago. How? When?"

"This is on me?" she teased. "Small. Intimate. I'd do it with just us and our kids, but…we should probably have a few guests."

He nodded, kissing her again. "Run off and elope?"

I'm a lovesick fool, she thought, I can't stop kissing and touching this man.

"Really?" Kara said, stopping in the kitchen door. "There are children here. When you catch making out with my boyfriend, I'm going to remind you of this, Dad."

"You are not making out with boys."

"Says my dad who has his tongue down his fiancés throat," she stated. "What? Come on, Dad, you are always kissing Max."

"Max and I are adults. No kissing boys until you're 25."

"Dad! Max, please," Kara groaned. "Can you talk some sense into him? Please?"

She smiled up at him. "Maybe she's already kissing boys, John."

"Don't you start too," he said. "Who are these boys, Kara?"

Kara giggled and shot Max a look. "Ah, Dad you're so easy sometimes. Can I bring a date to your wedding and kiss him there?"

"I think your grandmother's head would explode. Max, are you laughing?"

Logical and pragmatic, she thought, and Kara is the only one who gets him all riled up. "I don't see you flustered that much, Counselor."

Kara giggled. "You get him flustered too."

"Do I?" she asked. "Do you have a rebuttal?"

"You need to stop with the lawyer talk."

She smiled up at him. Warm, she thought, happy. This guy. I don't want this to change when we move in together, get married, all of it. It changed with me and Kenny…because of Regan and Nat. we should have talked about it, we should have been clear…we just rushed into marriage thinking because we loved each other everything would work out. Am I doing it again? Nine months and we're engaged. Talking about a baby.

"Dad I have homework if you can stop kissing Max for the night."

"Go," she smiled. As much as I don't want you to. "I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

 **Nine Years Ago:**

 _"I love you like this," Kenny said, backing her into the kitchen island. "You should never wear clothes."_

 _Max smiled at him, as he pulled her shirt off. "We're going to have to disinfect our kitchen. Why are your pants still on?"_

 _"Do you know how hard is to work with you right now?"_

 _"I feel something else hard. Get inside me."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Mom is out of her mind," Mel said, as they sat down to lunch. "Do you have time for this?"

"I barely take my lunch break," Max said, shrugging off her coat. "I have an easy day anyway. How is she? Wasn't she being released?'

"You're not pressing criminal charges?"

Max grimaced at that. "I want her to get some help, Mel. Nat is pretty freaked out. I took your parents off any pick up and contact lists I had until she does. John wanted me to file a restraining order, but I can't. You're my family and…I want to fix this."

"What's on your finger? You did not have that on yesterday."

"What?" she asked, looking down at her hand. "Oh. Yeah."

"You're engaged?"

She nodded. "Yeah. John asked me yesterday afternoon and…I said yes."

"You know this is going to destroy my mother. She already is on her tramp rant about you. She wants to file for custody of Regan and Natalie. Dad is talking her down from that. When she finds out you're marrying him? Max, you're going to kill her with this."

"That is not fair, Mel."

"He's a nice guy, I know that. You and Kenny were the perfect couple. How is this…how does this even match up?"

"Kenny and I weren't perfect. We had our issues, just like anyone else."

"Please, my brother adored you. You were all he talked about."

Divorce, Max thought, fighting over our kids. Barely speaking. No one can know. "We weren't perfect, Mel. I loved him, with everything I had, but we butted heads. We had different ideas. There were things we should have talked about before we got married."

"What?"

He knew me better than anyone…it should have been so easy. I wanted it to work, I would have made it work. "I loved him, Mel. Getting remarried is a pretty big deal to me. It's a bigger deal for me to realize that John is going to be the father that Nat and Regan remember."

"Mom isn't going to forgive you."

"I know. I'm hoping she will. I couldn't ask for a better man to come into my and my girl's life. He is wonderful with them. He makes me laugh, think, we have fun, he gives the best hugs, we can talk and... I fell, and I fell hard."

"Do you love him more than Kenny?"

"It's different. I'm more mature, older, I have different priorities. It's a different relationship than I had with Kenny. Not better or worse, just different."

"No, you didn't look at Kenny the way you look at John."

She gulped. "That isn't fair."

"No, it isn't. What if he was still alive?"

"If Kenny was still alive, we'd still be in Wisconsin."

"And if you ran into John?"

"I would have never cheated on Kenny. Not with John or anyone."

"And he looks at you like…Max, he just looks at you when you're not looking. Or even when you are. When the two of you walked over to the porch? You two didn't take your eyes off each other. He had his arm around you and…I don't know. You just looked really happy with him."

She gulped at that. "I am happy with him. It doesn't take anything away from what I had with Kenny."

"He's going to raise your kids. Kenny's kids."

Max nodded, as they both wiped their tears away. "He is."

* * *

 **Nine Years Ago**

 _"There are so many rooms," Max said, turning to look at him. "I'm glad we bought this, but…A man cave?"_

 _"You can visit."_

 _She smiled at that, wrapping her arms around his waist and smiling at him. "A giant walk in closet?"_

 _He kissed her, letting his hands roam lower. "For all your uniforms and little dresses, you own?"_

 _"And shoes," she teased. "Maybe a nursery in the future?"_

 _He looked at her for a long moment, snug and close to him. "For a baby? You want to have a baby?"_

 _She snuggled in closer to him. "Sometime. You're going to be a great dad."_

 _And you want a baby, you wanted one since you delivered and almost adopted one. Not yet. "You want to get pregnant?"_

 _She smiled up at him. "I think we'd make a pretty great kid together."_

 _He hugged her to him, feeling his heart drop at that. "Come to bed with me."_


	10. Chapter 10

**This is planned out to be a 15 Chapter story. A few tweaks here and there. For the reviewer who asked about Mary Francis, I didn't remember her name, so I just randomly picked one for her sister. For the other reviewer, I'm trying to follow the timeline of the show, with this picking up about 10 years after the finale.**

* * *

 **Present**

"Stop!" Max laughed, as nipped at her jawline. "I have to go back to work, Counselor."

"Think these guys could cater our wedding?" John asked, as they finished their hot dogs. "I believe this is your favorite place I take you out to. You're a cheap date, Honey."

She smiled at that. "It's all about the good company."

My soon to be wife, he thought, she said yes. Three weeks ago, tossed her birth control, us really merging our lives and homes. "You know you have four bedrooms? If we do this other thing, we're going to need one more."

She looked at him for a long moment. His house sold in a week, she thought, I'm pretty sure I could do the same with mine. I never told him this either. "I was thinking we could renovate the attic, make it a master suite or something. John, I don't have a mortgage, I bought it outright…I got a really large widow benefit package that allowed me to be a basket case for a year and afford a place to live."

He looked at her. "What?"

"I can afford to renovate it. Or sell it and we can afford something bigger."

"You're just bringing this up now, Honey?"

"We never really talked about money and I didn't really think about it until you started selling your house and talking about mortgages and splitting bills. When I bought that house? I thought it was perfect for the three of us. I had the basement finished, which is completely a catch-all play room and back room storage. I wasn't planning on anyone else living with us. What do you want to do? You need an office too and if we do the attic, Kara could take my room, the other bedroom could be that or a possible baby room and…what?"

A cop's widow, he thought, working non-profit. "You could have told me."

"It's weird. I bought the house and put the rest away for Regan and Nat. We live off what I make. We don't have to decide now."

"How much?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course, it matters."

"One point five million. Oh, don't look at me like that. It's for my kids, so they'll be taken care of. John, it's not important."

"Max.

"See? Now it's weird."

"It isn't weird. You could have told me."

"It's just money. I need to get back to work. I'll see you tonight?'

He nodded, as she stood on her toes and kissed him. If you're up to moving some boxes?"

She smiled at that. "Are you putting me to work?"

Merging our lives, Max welcoming Kara with open arms. Letting her choose paint for her new room, letting her decorate it, Nat and Regan giddy over having a big sister. Her just donating stuff, so there is room for me and Kara. Max and me, settling in to something. "Unless you want to hire someone, Money Bags."

She shot him a look. "Are you going to be weird?"

"Nah, go save the world, Honey."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"I won't break," Max said, seeing him looking at her six-month pregnant stomach. "She's moving around…do you want to feel?"_

 _Pregnant and happy, Kenny thought, she is happy about it. Max, my tough, strong, reckless, partner and wife, is ecstatic about being pregnant, her changing body, all of it. "Are you sure?"_

 _"I love your hands on me."_

 _A baby, the thing we never agreed on. How is she pregnant? Max, who flees from commitment, made a lifetime one without hesitation. All I ever wanted was her. I thought we were on the same page. "Yeah. Sure."_

 _Something is wrong, Max thought, as he laid his hand on her stomach after a long pause. He is so distant with me. "Is everything okay?"_

 _My pregnant wife, he thought, who is so radiantly happy about this. Do it for her. I'd do anything for her. "You are growing a person in there. It takes some getting used to."_

 _She laid her hand over his and smiled up at him. "You're going to be such a great dad."_

 _No, he thought, no. I can't do this._

* * *

 **Present**

"This is insane, Honey."

"I don't know," she admitted, as they stood in her attic. "It's huge. I was thinking, obviously insulate it, just big bedroom, awesome bathroom, lots of storage, make you an office nook and the other half full of shelves and to store all of this. I hate clutter, I throw stuff out all the time."

Tossed her entire house in Rome, beside most of her kid's stuff and her clothes. "I know you love this house."

"It was perfect for me and the kids. You and Kara, and possibly one more? We're going to be on top of each other."

"Move in, get married, renovate, have a baby…It's a big list."

"Raise a baby," Max said, turning to look at him. "I'd love to have a baby with you, I wanted a houseful, even if I got pregnant right now, I'd be close to 41 when I had it. We'd be in our 60's when it graduated college."

"What if we decide to have two?"

"Maybe you should have picked a younger fiancé."

"Nope. You're it for me."

She smiled at him. "It's a lot of changes. Getting married, talking about babies…did you see this coming with us when we ran into each other at the pool?"

"I saw you, with Regan and Nat and…I don't know. I felt something. It started simmering between us again and by the time you kissed me in the mud I knew we'd be together. Get this through your thick skull, I love you. I don't want to wait. What do you say we knock out this wedding sooner rather than later?"

"Run off and elope?"

He nodded. "Us and the kids? Do you want anyone else there?"

"I made headway with my parents. We're on better terms. Mel is one of my closest friends, I don't know how she would really feel about it. All the people I do book club and stuff…it's not like they're those kinds of friends? What about your mom? Your friends?"

"If you want a wedding, we can have one."

"I want to marry you. How isn't an issue."

"I'm looking forward to making you a Littleton."

I should have been one 10 years ago, she thought, no, stop it. That's crap. I loved Kenny, no matter what our problems were. We would have made it work. We loved each other too much not to. "I think I'd like that. John, Regan and Nat…I can't take their father's name away from them."

"I wouldn't ask you to."

"You're the best guy," she started, as her phone rang. "It's Jill Brock."

"You going to tell her?"

"That I'm marrying you?" Max smiled, as she hit talk. "Yes. Hi, Jill."

"Max, how are you? The kids? How is your mother in law?"

"Sharon is home," she started. And hates me…and she doesn't know about our engagement. "Regan and Nat are great. Loving school and swim team. I'm good."

"And you and John?"

"Me and John?" she repeated, smiling at him. "We're good too. Uh, yeah. We decided to move in together, he sold his house in about a week, and we're slowly getting it together here. Then he proposed to me…which I said yes to, so we'll focus on that once the five of us get settled in here."

That's the most she's really said about her life to me in years, Jill thought, and it's… "What?"

"John and I are getting married," she repeated, leaning back into his warm embrace. "We're pretty excited about it."

"Max. When?"

"I don't know yet. It's new and the five of us are really feeling this out together. He gave me a really pretty ring."

"You and John are getting married."

"You sound shocked."

"Max, when?"

"In a few weeks. We haven't settled on anything yet."

"Max, wait."

"For what?" she pressed, catching John's eye. "It's what we want."

"Do me a favor and don't run off and elope right now. I'll call you back."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"Oh, you're drunk," Max said. "I was getting worried."_

 _Kenny looked at her and putting a steadying hand on the table. "Come here."_

 _"Kenny?" she asked, as he pulled her close. "What are you doing?"_

 _"Let's fool around. Get that baby out of you."_

 _"What?"_

 _"Get you all worked up so that it pops out."_

 _"You are drunk…I have six more weeks to cook this kid."_

 _"I want you, Max. My sexy wife."_

 _I do feel sexy, she thought, there is something about this…being pregnant and feeling this kid in me. He barely touches me. "Come to bed with me."_

 _"Right here."_

 _She gulped, as he fiddled with his belt. "In the kitchen?"_

 _"Turn around."_

* * *

 **Present**

"They're weird there. I feel saner not living in Rome. I'd marry you right now."

"Let's do it."

"In the middle of the night? I'm wearing flannel."

"And you're adorable in it."

"Adorable? I'm a lot of things, but that isn't one of them. Seriously, why would Jill be so dead set against this?"

"Do you have another husband out there I don't know about?"

"One in every city."

"That's my girl. Seriously, Max, they're weirdly protective of you. You're up on a pedestal in Rome. A beacon of hope or something. It's like they need to sacrifice you to ensure next harvest is bountiful."

"I think you need to be a virgin for that."

"Possibly being a cop's widow re-virginized you."

"I don't think that's a word."

"You good?"

She smiled at him, as he squeezed her for a long moment on the lounge chair. "I'm sitting here with my fiancé, our kids are passed out, and 90% of the boxes are unpacked. This is bliss."

"We should set a date. I'd marry you at the courthouse tomorrow on our lunch break."

She bit her lip, looking at her fingers laced through his. "I need more than a few hours to make myself into a bride. I'm okay to elope, John. I'd love for it to be private, intimate, us and our kids. I just want to be with you."

"I think the kids would plan it for us."

"We should let them."

"I'm not sure if that is brilliant or horrifying. How about two weeks from now I make you Mrs. Littleton? Right here, in our backyard, where we spent many nights doing just this."

She settled back against him, shifting slightly so she was looking at him. "It's a date, Counselor."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _I hurt, Max thought, sinking into the cushions. I hate doing that, he knows I hate doing that. I think I have bruises from him pushing me into the counter. "Damn."_

 _"Max?"_

 _She looked up, forcing herself to smile. "Sorry, I tried to be quiet. I thought you were sleeping."_

 _Glowing, he thought, radiant. This is what she wants…a baby. A family. How do I do this? How is she so calm and happy about this? My Max, the love of my life, who will always be too good for me. Radiant, he thought again, she looks so good pregnant, even with her bulging stomach. "I sleep better with you."_

 _She smiled at that. "How's your head?"_

 _"I just had a few too many."_

 _She nodded, stroking her stomach softly. "I kind of miss that."_

 _"I miss going out with you."_

 _"I'm not an invalid. I can't go out and drink, but we can still go out. We probably should. We work a lot, we're about to have a baby…we should be enjoying are solo time together."_

 _"Max?" he asked, as she stood up and smiled at him. Our kid inside her. I can handle a wife. a baby…I can't. No, look at her. She's all I ever wanted. For her. "Aren't you supposed to be resting?"_

 _"I have an 18-pound stomach right now. It doesn't stop me from doing much beside drinking, running and going on patrol. Let's go out tonight."_

* * *

 **Present**

"What? Sorry," Max trailed off, looking up from her file. "Oh, are the Wilson's here?"

"No, it's two men for you. They don't have an appointment."

"Seems to be a running theme," she said. "I got it."

"Oh, and congratulations," Ellie said. "That is a gorgeous ring. We want to take you out to celebrate."

Max broke into a grin, despite the grim file on her desk and people waiting for her. "I'm pretty excited. We should go out. Let me take care of this."

The Wilson case, she thought, this gets to me. That poor boy, I got this. Help those who can't help themselves. This job makes me into sap even more than my own kids. Freezing, as she came around the corner, she took a moment to gather herself together. Do not freak out, Max, keep it together. "Jimmy? Agent Morell? What are you doing here?"

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"Really?" Max asked dryly. I can't do this right now. It's like he's going out of his way to avoid me. Smile, make nice, people keep touching my stomach. It's like I repulse him, and I feel so pretty right now…there is something about this, swollen ankles and fat stomach and all, that I really like. Let Kenny get drunk and stupid over there. "I feel good."_

 _"You're glowing," Sue said. "You're so small. You're all belly."_

 _"I don't feel small. Neither does this thing inside me."_

 _"Can you keep a secret?"_

 _Like my husband getting drunk to avoid talking to me? "Sure."_

 _"I just found out I'm pregnant too."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Sorry, it's small," Max said, shutting her office door. "What are you doing here?"

Max, twice in a few weeks, Jimmy thought, after her basically dropping off the radar for almost seven years at this point. Wary looking in her striped dress and jacket…she said she was happy. Her and John, their timing couldn't be worse. We didn't think she would do this. We thought she'd stay in Rome, raise her kids there, not…run away, start a new life, plan on getting remarried. To John, who doesn't deserve what is about to hit him. "We need to talk."

"Obviously. Is it the Murphy case? He got reconvicted."

"It is not the Murphy case," Morell stated. "It's about your husband."

Max didn't flinch, as she sat back in her desk chair. Are they dedicating a bridge? Renaming the town? "Okay."

"Max, I am so sorry," Jimmy said. "For you and your kids."

"I don't need your pity."

"Kenny didn't die that night," Morell said. "He walked in on a meth lab operation. He did get shot, he's been in witness protection ever since, preparing to testify against the Vitali's. Which he just did. The operation fell apart, the key players are dead…He's out of witness protection and wants to see you."

Max sat back at that, feeling her heart drop to the floor as she stared at them in shock. Unable to speak or think, she gripped her desk with both hands, her knuckles turning white with the effort.

"Max?" Jimmy asked, seeing her shocked silence at that. "Are you still with us?"

Kenny, she thought, they knew? They did this? They knew? All these years? Alive.

"I know this is a shock," Morell said.

Focus. Think. Speak. It's not just about me. My kids. John. Kara. Focus, Max, focus. "What?"

"Kenny is alive. He wants to see you and the kids," Jimmy said. "He wants to come home."

The kids he didn't want. The wife he was furious at. The wife who is planning her wedding to John…who my kids adore. Who I am ridiculously in love with. "Home? Oh, crap, I'm going to vomit."

She grabbed the trash can and threw up all the coffee and breakfast burrito that John had cooked this morning. Not morning sickness, she thought, this is shock. Kenny…alive. My kids. How do I do this to my kids? And me…John. Moved in, engaged…our family.

"Max?" Jimmy asked. "Are you okay?"

"Is that a joke?" she asked, wiping her mouth and reaching for her water bottle. I wish this was vodka. "Okay? You two come in here and tell me that my husband is alive after seven years? I don't even know what to think. I don't know what to tell my children. His parents and sister. I just got engaged and we're planning on getting married in two weeks. I'm not exactly sure what I feel expect shock and disbelief. Jimmy, you knew? All this time, you knew?"

"Yes."

"You watched me fall apart. You didn't think to tell me?"

"It was for his safety. It was better for you and your children, Max you were nine months pregnant, that you didn't know."

"Who else?" she spat. "I need to know, and I need to know now."

"Max," Jimmy started, she stayed as far away from them as possible. "Jill knew. She was the one who pronounced him dead."

"You assholes!"

"Max," he tried, as she heaved her water bottle at his head. "You need to calm down."

"Calm down! You've lied to me for seven years! You lied to his family for seven years! Sharon is out of her damn mind! I couldn't even function for a year, I couldn't take care of Regan and Natalie. Kenny dying broke me in a way I didn't think I would ever recover from. Now you come here and tell me…You assholes."

"Max."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!"

"Max, we thought you'd be happy about this."

"Get out of my office and don't come back."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"Stop!" Max yelped. "Come on, you're drunk."_

 _"Not too drunk for you. Turn around."_

 _"No! I hate that. You know that. Let go."_

 _"Come on, Max," he slurred, not letting her go. "Turn around. Put that stomach away."_

 _No, he's too strong. He won't hurt me…Kenny would never hurt me. Damn it. "Let go!"_

 _"What the hell, Max?" he yelled, as she shoved him back with everything she had and stumbled around to the other side of the island._

 _"I told you let go of me. I hate that. You know how much I do. You're drunk all the time and…don't touch me right now. You turned what was supposed to be a nice night, into something awful. I'm going to sleep in the guest room. Good-night, Kenny."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Max?" John asked, looking at his wrecked looking fiancé on his office couch. "Honey? What's wrong?"

She shook her head, very glad her boss bought her sick excuse, as John tossed his briefcase on his desk and pulled her in close. Inhaling his familiar scent, she just shook her head. I can't. I can't do this.

"The kids are okay?"

She nodded, not letting go of him. I love him, she thought, he loves me. How do I... He doesn't deserve this. All he's been is wonderful to me…and he's who I want to be with. "Yeah."

"Sharon?"

Oh, they're next, if Morell and Jimmy didn't tell them already. "John."

"Max, you can tell me anything."

She nodded, as he combed through her hair, kissing her temple. "Agent Morell and Jimmy came to see me today."

"Murphy case?"

She shook her head, forcing herself to look at him. I need to know. I need to see it in his eyes. "I love you, John, and I so want to be your wife, have your baby and raise our family together. This doesn't change that."

"Max?" he pressed, not taking his eyes off her. "Tell me."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"A word?"_

 _Max looked up from her hated paperwork. For my baby, she thought, I can't go chase bad guys down with this kid cooking in me. I hate paperwork. "I need to finish this."_

 _"I didn't hear you leave this morning."_

 _"I'm surprised you even woke up."_

 _"Max, come on."_

 _"I told you to stop and wouldn't. Just leave me alone."_

 _"You're my wife. I'm not leaving you alone."_

 _"Not here. Wasn't that the deal? Our personal life stays home."_

 _"Tonight then."_

 _She shook her head. "I'm having a girl's night. They're planning a baby shower and…I'll be home late. Don't wait up."_

* * *

 **Present**

"You're okay," he said, putting aside his own shock and not letting her go. "Max, Honey, you're okay. Breathe."

"I'm so far from okay right now."

"Do you want to get out of here? Talk it out before the kids get home. You can't ignore this."

She gulped, not wanting to move out of his arms. Kenny. "They broke me seven years ago."

He squeezed her tighter for a long moment. "You put yourself back together. You can do this. I have your back."

"What do I tell Regan and Nat?"

"We'll figure it out," he said, as her phone rang. Seeing her pale as she looked at it. "I got it, Honey."

"Thanks," she said, handing it to him. "Here."

"Jimmy," John said in way of greeting. "It isn't a good time. She'll call you back."

"John, wait."

He didn't take his eyes or arms off her. "She told me. We're talking about it. Give her some space."

"Is she okay?"

"No. Not even close to okay right now. I think we're going to head home…please don't show up on our doorstep. We need to figure out what to tell our kids. Max needs to get it together. She'll call you tomorrow. Good bye, Jimmy."

I can't, she thought, I can't handle this. No, Regan and Nat are going to need me. Focus. What do I tell them? What do I say to him? John has not taken his hands off me. "John?"

He slid her phone into her purse, before pressing his lips to her forehead. "Hey, get it together. You're better than this."

She smiled despite herself. He makes me believe that. Okay for my kids, our new family, for Kara and John. "I know."

"Let's go home, Honey."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"Kenny?" Max asked, freezing in the kitchen. "What is this?"_

 _He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. "I love you, Max. I don't know what I would do without you."_

 _She settled against him, a bit blown away by the home cooked meal and candlelit table. "I love you too…I've loved you since I was 23 and couldn't spit it out."_

 _My pregnant wife, he thought, she loves me. Carrying my baby, it'll be okay. Me and Max, that's the way it's supposed to be. "You're going to be a great mom."_

 _She smiled into his chest at that. I can't wait to hold our baby, she thought, I can't wait to be a family. "Right back at you, Dad."_

* * *

 **Present**

Everything we planned, talked about, John thought, as he ate with the girls. Married. Talking about kids. She tossed her birth control. Curled up in bed, telling me she needed 10 minutes that turned into two hours. "Give her space Regan. She doesn't feel good."

"Mom is never sick."

Heartsick, he thought, shocked. Gave me her phone and said she wasn't hungry. Ah, Max, don't shut yourself off. "Even mom's get sick."

"Is she going to be okay to marry you?" Nat asked. "She said we get new dresses. I wanted Mommy to look like a princess, but she said no."

"Yeah, Max said no to a ballgown," Kara said. "And a tiara. Come on, Dad, you guys really want to get married in the backyard? You totally need to sweep her off her feet. Max is happy napping on the couch with you, Dad, you guys need to stop being so low key and celebrate."

"So, what would you three have us do?" John asked. Wedding is on hold, she's still married to Kenny. Their dad and she's in shock. "How should we get married? Choose, Ladies."

"Destination wedding, Dad. With your children."

"Ah, Antarctica. Got it."

"With penguins?" Regan asked. "That would be fun."

Natalie giggled. "It's too cold."

"Seriously, Dad," Kara sighed. "You and Max should throw a big wedding. Make it fun. Celebrate. Make her buy some ridiculous dress. You guys are way to practical."

John nodded. She said she's fine. She's full of crap. Looking at her phone. Twenty missed calls. Ah, Honey. "Why don't you guys start planning? We can surprise Max, Mom, Mommy, whatever you call her, with something special."

"Something special?"

"Mommy!" Nat cried, jumping up and hugging her. "John said you were sick."

She hugged her back. My ball of sunshine. Everything for my kids. My family. "Not too sick for you guys."

Shaky, he thought, watching Nat hug her again. I do like this mama bear thing she has going on. "You feel better, Honey?"

She nodded, holding his gaze. "I'm good, John. Do you have my phone?"

"You missed a lot."

"Mommy, are you leaving?"

She looked back at her almost seven-year-old, and the set dinner table. "Nah. This is where I'm supposed to be. That smells really good."

"Dad made us all help," Kara said. "I tried to warn Regan and Nat that he always does that. They thought it was fun, Max. Seriously, wiping counters and setting the table."

"Really?" Max smiled. "I'm remembering that next time when I ask you to clean your room."

"Mom," Regan sighed. "Rooms are boring. We like cooking. You let us eat most of the batter."

"It's ringing," John said, passing her the phone. "Number 21."

She nodded, looking at it. One more night, just like this before… "Tomorrow."

He smiled at her, not being able to get a read off her. She's okay, we're okay. "Grab a stool, Max."

She smiled back at him, taking the offered stool and plate. "Thanks."

"You guys aren't all kissy," Kara stated.

"We decided to be good influences on our children," John said. J

"Mom, you look like Nat before she throws up," Regan said. "Mom?"

"Well, she has to get it from somewhere," she said. "Come on, this is too good to waste."

* * *

 **TBC**


	11. Chapter 11

**One Year Ago**

 _"I like you like this."_

 _First overnight in his house, she thought, as they laid in each other arms. "No make-up, messy hair, morning breath, wearing your t-shirt?"_

 _"You in my bed," John smiled. "I like your morning breath."_

 _She laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. I've more than fallen for him. Freaking John Littleton. "I like you."_

 _I think I'm in love with her, he thought, and she's getting there. "Good because I don't just let anyone wear my old shirts in bed with me. To be clear? I more than like you, Max. What are you doing tonight?"_

 _She smiled at him through her hair. Pick up my kids, ballet, swimming, groceries, brunch. "Do you and Kara want to come over? I was planning on taco night."_

 _Kara who knows, John thought, who teases me mercilessly about having a girlfriend…even if she really likes Max. "Let me run it by my teenager. She may have plans. She's dating…boys. Teenage boys."_

 _She snuggled in closer to him and kissed him for a long moment. "She's as pragmatic and logical as you. She's smart enough not to let boys take advantage of her."_

 _"She's spunky like her mom."_

 _Max smiled at that. "What was Deanna like?"_

 _He looked at her for a long moment. "She was so smart, Honey, independent, funny, strong…I fell in love with her the moment I saw her our freshman year in college. It took me two months to ask her out and…she made me a better man. She made me believe that I could do anything."_

 _Max held his gaze at that, as he interlocked his fingers with hers. "You're a great man."_

 _"She loved Kara. We were supposed to…we had so many plans and…life throws us curveballs. We both know that."_

 _"We do."_

 _He kissed her again, studying her for a long moment. "We're kid free for a few more hours."_

 _"I should be responsible, get out of bed, do errands and," she started, as he rolled over on top of her. "Oh, hi. I like this better."_

 _I do love her, he thought, as she kissed him for a long moment. She isn't there yet, I know that, even if she's wrapped around me. "Me too. Come here, Honey."_

* * *

 **Present**

"I can't," Max stated. "Just don't."

"Turning your phone off doesn't solve the problem," John said. "You don't run and hide."

"I ran away from Rome," she stated.

"You stayed with Kenny, even when he treated you like crap, to fight for you marriage. You fought through your own hurt and pain to be there for your kids. You pushed aside your own insecurities and doubts with you and me. You can do this. You can do anything."

She held his gaze, his confidence in her warming her up. "You know I'm so glad he's alive?"

History, John thought, long friendship, marriage, Nat and Regan's dad. As much as he hurt her, she loved him, she said she did, that she wanted to make it work. "I have your back, Max. No matter what you decide to do."

She looked at him with that. "Kenny being alive it...it doesn't change how I feel about you. I want to marry you. I want to raise our kids together and have this baby we keep talking about. I love you, John."

Pajama pants, t-shirt, barefoot, with a sloppy ponytail and zero make up, making her look far younger and vulnerable than usual, he thought, and so sure in what she just said. "I love you too. It isn't going to be that simple. You need a lawyer, one who isn't me. Don't look like that. You have kids, you're married to him, you took widow's benefits and you're not one anymore, you sold a house, stuff, and if you want a divorce? You need a lawyer, Max, to protect yourself, Regan and Nat. You and me? I'm more than looking forward to us getting married, but we need to figure this other stuff out."

"You are way too pragmatic."

He handed her the phone. "You need to deal with it."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _I can do this, Kenny thought, keeping his arms around her. Max curled up next to me, her almost eight-month pregnant stomach poking out under her t-shirt. It's so round, big, this isn't the woman I married in that tight white dress. The one who spent our entire honeymoon either naked or in a tiny bikini. She's all nursery and baby._

 _"This was nice."_

 _He reluctantly rested his hand on her stomach, feeling her squirming baby moving around. "Does that hurt?"_

 _She smiled at that, resting her hand on his. "No. She's just making herself known."_

 _"How much bigger is she going to get in there?"_

 _"I don't know. I have 18 pounds of belly right now. Swollen ankles aside, I like being pregnant, feeling her grow inside me. I never felt more…feminine than I do like this."_

 _He gulped at her soft words. No, Max, no, we're not going down this road._

* * *

 **Present**

John kissing me good-bye this morning, telling me I have this. That he loved me, not to worry about the kids, that I probably shouldn't wear my engagement ring. Kenny…my very best friend, partner, the man I loved and married, we were supposed to be together forever. The one who I was so excited to have babies with, a family, until is all went to hell. I can do this. I need to do this. Just me and Kenny… It's like I'm 25 again, unsure, afraid, with something to prove. Catching sight of her reflection, she sighed. Snug jeans and this white lace top John said looked almost bridal. Go do it, he said, and then we'll take the kids out for mini-golf and ice cream tonight. I can do this…do not freak out and cry, Max. Just Kenny. My dead husband. Who treated me like crap before he died. Who I loved recklessly and with everything in me.

"Max."

I can't, she thought, staring at him in wonder and shock. I can't do this.

"Max," he said again, drinking her in. "Oh, Max, come here."

I can't breathe, she thought, as he pulled her toward him and hugged her. Kenny…oh, god, Kenny. Inhaling his familiar smells, she sunk into his strong embrace. I can't think or move. Just us, in a coffee shop…Kenny.

He hugged her tighter, before pulling back to tilt her face to his. So beautiful, he thought, shaking, my wife…the love of my life. "I missed you, I missed you so much. It's okay, we're together again now. Max, I'm so sorry."

Together, she thought, not able to look away. Kenny and me. After all this time…he did come back to me. My husband.

He hugged her tightly again, running his fingers through her hair. "I'm never leaving you again."

She closed her eyes. Get it together. Say something. Anything. He's all over me…it's so familiar feeling…what is he doing to me? Years of this…My husband, the man I pledged to love forever.

"Max?" he pressed, not taking his eyes off her. "I'm so sorry for everything. I wanted you with me…you're all I thought about the last seven years."

I can't speak, she thought, my brain is nothing but mush. He needs to stop touching me. Say anything, Max. It doesn't matter what. Get a word out. Letting out a long breath, she looked back at him. Crap, Max, crap.

"Max," he breathed, leaning down to kiss her.

No, she thought, no, as his lips met hers. Trembling a bit, as he pulled her closer with it. Kissing him back, she fought to get control of herself, as she pushed back.

"Max?"

She stepped back, watching him. "Stop."

"What's wrong?"

She stared at him. Focus. Run. No, I can't run from this. "Stop touching me."

"I've waited almost seven years to touch you again."

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself. I can't, she thought, keep it together. "I'm glad you're not dead."

"What are you doing?" he asked, as she moved to put a table between them. "Max?"

She didn't take her eyes off him. He died…left me alone. He shoved me away, treated me like crap and I still loved him. It could have worked. "I don't know what to say to you."

"I never wanted to leave you."

She gulped at that. It's been too long and…it would be so easy to fall into his arms. Kiss him…go home with him. "I know. I understand that. We should sit. Talk."

* * *

 **One Year Ago**

 _Oh, this is nice. Normal, Max thought, sipping her beer, familiar and comfortable. Smiling, as he gave her a long squeeze. "Yes?"_

 _"Any excuse to touch you."_

 _Max smiled at that, shifting under his arm at his family barbecue. "You don't need an excuse. I'm all yours."_

 _That smile, he thought, her so easily snug against my side. Way more at ease than I would have thought, making small talk with my siblings, mom, Nat and Regan happy with my nieces and nephews. A few comments, looks, at my pale and redheaded girlfriend, who seems very content. "Good to know."_

 _"Max," Alice said, looking at how closely her son was keeping her to him. "Why don't you join us? John, let the poor girl breath."_

 _She should be a Littleton, he thought, no, we're six-months in. We need more time before that happens. Nope, I want to marry this woman. Don't push it with her yet. What we have is great. "I can't help it, Mom, she's good company."_

 _"I'm sure she is," Alice said. "Max, your children are very sweet. Can you help me in the kitchen?"_

 _She nodded, a bit reluctant to leave John's warm side. "Of course."_

* * *

 **Present**

"You're doing what?" John said, looking at Kara, Regan and Nat giggling together. "You do know that we can plan our wedding?"

"Dad," Kara sighed. "Stop being practical. Do it for your children. We want to see you guys to have a special wedding."

John smiled despite himself. Two hours and nothing from her. She's fine, I trust her, do not call her. "What are you three planning?"

"Mommy should wear this," Nat said, sliding him the picture. "She'd look so pretty."

"That's something, Nat," he said, looking at the satin ballgown, covered with roses and jewels. Max wouldn't wear that even to make Nat happy. "You should show it to your mom."

Kara smiled. "I don't think Max likes those giant dresses, you little monsters. Come on, we were planning them a beach wedding. She can't wear that. Show him the other ones, Regan."

She's already married, he thought, she needs a divorce before we do this. Let them plan it. "Your mom looks pretty no matter what she wears. What beach, Kid?"

"Hawaii," Kara said. "We like this one. You and Max are making us all a family. You can get married and them we can have a family vacation. It's perfect."

"You should be a lawyer," John said. "We can run it by her. Regan, this dress looks exactly like something your mom would wear."

Regan giggled at that. "When is Mom getting home?"

* * *

 **Present**

Max wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and looked at him. "Morrell told me what happened."

"I wanted you with me. You moved here to be closer to my family."

She nodded. "I needed a fresh start. The girls needed to know their family. I wasn't in good shape at that point."

"You look good now."

Thin and pretty. He always liked my hair long. "Not like that. I stayed with your parents until I could function. I got it together eventually."

"Max," he started, reaching for her hand, as she pulled back from his again. "Why won't you let me touch you?"

She looked at him. All that hurt…him dying…I let it go. I let everyone have their positive memories, I can't take that from them. This is between us. "It's been seven years. Do you expect me to jump into your arms like nothing has changed?"

"Where were you yesterday? Morell said he told you, and you bailed. You didn't pick up your phone."

She looked at him with that. "I needed to process it. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Regan and Natalie. They are happy and well adjusted and I'm about to torpedo their life."

"Your kids."

She looked at for a long a moment with that. "They're our kids. They're amazing. I'd like you to know them, but they need to understand what is happening first."

"And us?"

She held his gaze. "What about us?"

"You're my wife."

"I haven't been in seven years. I don't blame you for this. You got a lot of bad people off the street. We weren't doing so hot before it though."

"You were pregnant and hormonal." __

* * *

 **Present**

"There," Kara said, hitting send on her phone after her selfie with Regan and Nat. "What? We're going to be sisters."

"Are you and Mom going to have a baby?" Regan asked.

"Oh, you should," Kara said. "He's the best dad, guys, you have no idea how lucky you are he's going to be your dad. Dad, you and Max should have a baby."

He sat back and looked at the three of them. "Anything else? Married in Hawaii, have a baby, any other plans you have for us?"

"If you have a baby, we need a bigger house."

"You three," he sighed. Max needs to get divorced. We need to talk this out with them. She's not on birth control. Out with Kenny. Who I know she loved, despite it all. I trust her. "What do you think? Boy or girl?"

* * *

 **Present**

"I was pregnant, and we had an 18-month old. You were drunk all the time. You pushed me away. You wouldn't talk to me. You never touched me. The last thing I said to you was that I wanted divorce."

"Max."

"And I never told anyone. I loved you, I wanted it to work. I would have fought to make it work. I loved you for as long as I could remember. I married you thinking we'd be together forever."

"Max."

"I'll never keep your kids from you."

"I want you. I need you."

You're all I wanted, she thought, it was love at first sight for me. My very best friend. "You really hurt me."

"We have a second chance to get it right."

She gulped, as she let him take her hand. He held my hand so many times. He didn't let go the entire time I was in labor with Regan. He learned to love Regan. He did stuff with her…it could have worked with Nat too. He loved me enough to accept them. Acceptance…no. Not good enough. They deserve better. "I need to go."

"Max," he said, not letting go of her hand. "Come home with me. We can start again."

John and our girls, she thought, waiting for me at home. John who trusted me to do this, wasn't worried for a second that I wasn't coming home to him. "I need to get home to my kids. We have things to do today. Do you want to know them? Do you want me to tell them that their father is alive?"

This is important to her. Those kids are important to her. She is my wife and…when I get her back, they are a part of this. I don't want them, I never did, but for Max? "Yes. Tell them. I'll come with you."

She shook her head and pulled her hand from his. "No. This is something I need to do with them. I'll call you tomorrow, Kenny."

* * *

 **One Year Ago**

 _"John is very taken with you. He hasn't been this happy for a long time."_

 _Max smiled despite her nerves at being alone with his mother. "He makes me happy too. He is a really good guy."_

 _"You're a widow too."_

 _She nodded. "For about six years."_

 _"Your girls are very sweet."_

 _"They're pretty great. We haven't really told them about what is going on between us, but John is good with them. The adore Kara."_

 _"You aren't what we expected, and it has nothing to do with your skin color. I didn't think John would ever bring someone home who makes him smile as much as you have. Do you love my son?"_

 _She gulped. I'm getting there. I can't, we haven't… "We're taking our time. We haven't said that to each other yet."_

 _"It's obvious how the two of you feel about each other."_

 _"Oh?"_

 _"Deanna dying devastated him, just as I'm sure your husband's death did to you."_

 _"It did."_

 _She smiled and patted her hand. "You and John have healed each other in ways you don't even realize. Come on, grab that tray, Max."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Oh, I missed you too, Kiddo," Max said, as Nat hugged her tightly. Squeezing her almost seven-year-old back, she gulped back her tears. "Did you have fun today?"

"It's more fun with you, Mommy."

Max looked at her for a long moment. Kenny's coloring, she thought, all this dark hair and those too blue eyes. She would run to him, hug him, love him on sight. She's all love, this kid of mine. "Yeah? What did you do after swim practice?"

She giggled and hugged her again. "Mommy, you have to come see. Me, Kara and Regan planned your and John's wedding."

Max froze at that, forcing herself to smile. "Yeah? Did you pick me out a big dress, Nat? Something with a lot of sparkles and super poufy?"

"Kara said you wouldn't like it. John liked Regan's dress better."

"Oh, you dragged John into your wedding planning too?"

She nodded. "John is going to be my Daddy. He makes you happy, Mommy."

He does, she thought, happier than I thought I could be. "Where is your sister? I need to talk to you guys about something."

"Max?"

She looked up, Nat still chattering to her. "Hey. I heard the kids were planning our wedding."

"Nat and Regan compromised on a dress and Kara is booking us tickets to Hawaii," John said. "Barefoot at sunset. Just the five of us. Then we're buying a new house, down on the lakefront, and having not one, but two babies. Kara gave me a list."

Max smiled at that, despite everything. "Well, I'm glad our kids planned out the next 20 years. Nat, you want to be a big sister?"

"Yes."

"Go find Regan for me, okay? I have to talk to you two."

She nodded, hugging her again, before running to John and hugging him too. "Okay."

"What about?"

"They need to know he's alive. I spent an hour walking around the park after I left him trying to figure out what to tell them, how to explain that…I get it, John, I understand how it happened, but…they're my babies."

"They love you. We'll make it okay for them. How is he?"

She bit her lip. "He wants me back. He made that pretty clear."

"Yeah?"

She looked at him for a long moment. "I'm staying with you and our family. It's not even a choice for me."

"Max?"

She pressed her lips to his for a long moment. "I love you. I love our life together. I was excited to marry you in two weeks, which we have to put on hold for a bit. Today, with Kenny, it really... he said he could accept Regan and Nat if it meant he could have me back. Accept them, like they're… he expected me to just jump into his arms with that and… I want a divorce."

"You're shaking."

She shook her head, as he wiped her tears away. "I loved him."

"I know you did."

"It hurts."

He hugged her tightly, inhaling the sweet scent of her coconut shampoo, coffee, and vanilla lotion. "I know."

"I'm okay."

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "You're full of crap on that one."

"Can we pretend I am? I need to tell them, John."

"You need an assist?"

"Only if it's you."

"You need to save this for Hawaii," Kara stated. "Regan, Nat, don't look, they're all mushy again. We should ask for pizza and ice cream for dinner when they're like this."

John kept his arms around her, feeling her relax in his arms a bit. She's okay. We're okay. "I can go for pizza. Max and I have to talk to you three first."

"Mom? Are you crying?" Regan asked. "Did Grandma do something crazy again?"

She gulped. "John just says some very sweet things that get my teary eyed. Wait until Hawaii, I'll be crying through our whole wedding. Which I would love to know the details of later. Let's sit down, this is important."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _"A few more days," Jill said. "Where is Kenny?"_

 _Max looked at her distended belly. "I think he's stuck at work. She's okay in there?"_

 _"You're going to have a perfectly healthy baby girl, Max."_

 _"Are you okay?"_

 _He doesn't hate me. He's nervous. Scared of this. We'll have this baby, he'll hold her and…we'll be fine. We have to be fine. "Yeah. I'm going to be a mom…I'm more excited than scared. I've always wanted to be one."_

* * *

 **Present**

Max gulped, wrapping her arms around Nat and Regan on the couch. My babies. The best things I've ever done. Do it. Tell them. Make it okay. Do not burst into tears. "All right…Do you remember when we talked about your dad and what happened to him?"

Regan looked up at her. "He was a hero, Mommy. He died saving that family."

"Yeah," she started. "That's what we thought. Guys, yesterday two policemen came to see me. To talk to me about your father."

"Mommy?" Nat asked, snuggling in close to her. "Mommy, what is wrong?"

She squeezed them both tight for a long moment. "Nothing. It's a wonderful thing. Your father didn't die…he saw some very bad people hurting others, and the police put him into hiding so they wouldn't hurt him. He…he went to court, like John and I do, and he helped put the bad people in jail. He doesn't need to be hidden anymore, and he's with Grandma and Grandpa right now."

"Our dad isn't dead?" Regan asked, sitting perfectly still. "Is he coming to live with us?"

"No, he's not…I talked to him today. He isn't going to live with us. He does want to spend time with you and Nat. When you're ready."

"But John is going to be our Daddy," Nat said. "I want John to be my Daddy."

"Nat," John said. "This doesn't change anything. You just get another person in your life who loves you."

"But that means Max is still married to him," Kara said. "Right?"

"Yeah," she said softly. My husband. The guy I loved longer than I can remember. Until we…we fell apart. We wanted different things. "We're going one day at a time."

"But you and Dad are supposed to get married. We're going to be a family."

"Oh, Kara, we are a family," Max said. "Nothing will change that."

"Do we have to?" Regan asked. "Mom, I want to stay here with you and John. I don't want another dad."

She gulped at that. "Your dad helped a lot of people, Regan, and he missed your and Nat's entire lives. We need to do this."

She's shaking, John thought. How do we do this, he thought, she needs a lawyer, a plan, we need to sit alone and hammer it out. She's only holding it together for them. Mama Bear. God, I love her. Protect her.

She hugged her girls close, watching as Kara began to cry along with Nat. "Kara, Sweetheart, it's okay. We're all okay. There is no one more important to me that the four of you."

"I always wanted a mom," she sobbed, throwing her arms around Max. "I want it to be you."

Max hugged her back, catching John's eye. "Oh, I want that too. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

 **TBC**


	12. Chapter 12

**To the Reviewer Who Asked: Yes, I want to finish the unfinished stories. I have some ideas once I wrap this up. Some authors requested I didn't, and I'm going to respect that. I loved the first set I did, spinning it off into a three part series. The Kenny Cancer story there are ideas in there I would like to take and run with in something else too.**

* * *

 **7 Years Ago**

 _"No. Not without, Max," Kenny said from his hospital bed. "I need her. You can't let her think I'm dead. She won't be able to deal with it."_

 _"It has to be real for her," Jimmy said. "The Vilati's are watching. It won't be forever. This will keep her and the kids safe. They can't vanish too if this is going to work. She's very pregnant, Kenny."_

 _"I can't do this to her. She's my wife."_

 _"She'll be here, and she can keep your kids safe and happy. Nothing bad is going to happen to them. This isn't going to be forever."_

 _Witness protection, no, I need her. My Max…they could do this to her. Say she died having the baby, they could go to my parents…we could…she wouldn't ever leave Regan or her new daughter. All of us and…I can't leave her. "I want to take my chance here. I can't leave Max."_

 _"If you stay, they will kill you. Max and the kids could get caught in the crossfire. You don't want that for them. I'll make sure she's fine. Kenny, you need to go with Morell. You can't contact her until this is over."_

 _No, I…Max. I'm coming home, Max, this is for you. She'll be fine, she'll have the kids and…she'll focus on them, like she has been. My Max, she'll be okay. I'm coming home to her soon. "Let's go. Take care of her."_

* * *

 **Present**

"You want to go on a date with him?"

Max glanced back toward their kids eating hotdogs and ice cream in the park after mini-golf. "It is not a date. I have to tell him about us. That I want a divorce and…I don't want to hurt him, John. He said some shitty things to me, but…I did love him and…he doesn't deserve that. He had his whole life ripped away and he comes back to me engaged and handing him divorce papers. I suck so much."

"I wouldn't ask a sucky person to marry me."

She smiled at him, feeling safe and secure under his arm. "Yeah. He needs to know. His big fear was that I would leave him…he told me that when we first got together. He almost didn't want to try, take the chance…Oh, crap."

"Honey?"

She sat up and looked at him. "Do you think that's why he was so anti-kid with me? That he thought I'd take them and leave him?"

John looked at her for a long moment. "You should ask him that. On your date."

"I'm serious."

"I know you are. Fear didn't give him the right to treat you poorly," he said, brushing back her long hair and kissing her for a long moment.

"Dad, she's married."

"Kara?" he asked, as she stood in front of them. "It's more complicated than that."

"But she's going to go back to him. I don't know why we're doing his charade today."

"I'm staying right here, Kara," Max said quietly. "I loved Kenny very much, but…a lot happened and changed. I changed and I'm not the same person I was when I married him. I love your dad and him, along with you, Regan and Nat are who I want to spend my life with. Oh, Kara."

John sat back as Max stood up and hugged a crying Kara. I didn't see this coming, that prickly deputy becoming such a loving mom, my fiancé, the person in my life that makes me laugh, think, that I can talk to. Who is hugging my daughter, who gave me a family again with her and her kids. Who sleeps wrapped around me at night, smiles at me in the morning through her hair, this woman stole my heart.

"Hey," Max said. "You're good, Kara. We're good. I love you so much, Sweetie."

"Kara?" Regan said, tugging on her hand. "I love you too. My mom is awesome, and I want to share her with you."

"And you're sharing your daddy," Nat said. "We're sisters."

Jesus Christ, Max thought, when did they get so grown-up and smart? Best thing I ever did was them. This is what I wanted with Kenny…and I found it with John. Kenny. I need to tell him.

"Max," John said, catching her eye. "Let's head home."

* * *

 **7 Years Ago**

 _Six months, Kenny thought, sinking onto the couch in his apartment. New name, job, and my wife is alone with Regan and baby I don't know. She loves them, she'll focus on them. She'll wait for me._

* * *

 **Present**

"You didn't have to do this," Max said, two days later. "I skip lunch a lot. Work through it and stuff."

Kenny smiled at her. "I wanted to see you. We worked through lots of meals together."

The lawyer said to be clear on what I want, maybe it doesn't need to be awful. "How are your parents?"

"They want you and the kids over for Sunday dinner tonight. My mom can't stop gushing over you and them."

Your mom who called me a slut, tried to drag them out of Alice's, she thought, no one has said anything? Hank and Mel know we got engaged and…do they think I'll just break it off? Toss John and Kara out of my life and Kenny and I will…Oh no. "I'm not up to that."

"They can be a lot. You look good. I love your hair like this."

Floral dress, blazer, boots, all business causal me, she thought, he keeps staring at me. "Thanks."

"I want to come home to you. Max, we can do this. We can make it work. You're the reason I made it through the last seven years."

She wiped her tears, her heart breaking in two. Tell him. He has to know…this isn't fair. "Kenny, I…Damn it. It isn't that easy. I know we're still married…I was getting ready to…there is…there is someone else."

"What?"

"I'm engaged."

"You're not engaged. You're my wife."

"Currently I'm both."

He stared at her. "How could you do this?"

"What? I thought you were dead. I grieved, cried, and…I had to live my life. It took me a long time to even want to go on a date. It caught me off guard."

"When are you breaking it off? Does he know?"

"He knows. I'm talking to a lawyer."

"What?"

"I'm married and engaged. The kids are confused. There is property, money, stuff."

"It doesn't matter. You and I do."

"I'm not the same person you married. Your death gutted me

"You're still you. It's always be you and me. You know that. Come on."

She looked at him for a long moment. "No one told you. Your mom is so mad at me…I should have told her, she walked into my living room to us…I didn't know how to because they've been so good to me and the kids."

"Max?"

"I was your widow to her and a lot of other people. That I should be crying all the time, broken and…I thought I'd be fine alone, raising my kids, and when I ran into John...we reconnected as friends. It wasn't about us both being widowed, but he never pitied me because he understood. I could talk to him. By the time I realized what was happening…I was ready for it. We moved in together, we got engaged, we're trying to have a baby, Nat and Regan really like him, and its part of the reason they're so confused right now."

"John who?" he asked lowly. "Tell me."

She gulped. We were all friends. "John Littleton."

"The DA."

"Legal Aid now."

"You're engaged to John Littleton. You live with Littleton? You're sleeping with him? You let that son of a bitch…Where is he? You are not marrying him."

"I'll marry whoever I want."

"You're married to me. You're the mother of my children. You not marrying Littleton and letting him raise our kids."

"The kids you never wanted? The kids you haven't ever asked me about."

"I want them now."

"No. You want me. They're just part of the package. And they are wonderful and deserve better than that."

"Because I was never good enough for you."

"Bullshit. I loved you with everything in me. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together…there were things we should have talked about. Kids being one of them. We broke up because I bleached my hair, and we got back together because I got shot. You proposed to me in the break room, we rushed into it and…we were falling apart. Maybe if we took more time, I loved you so much, and it…I loved you too much to give up."

"I still love you."

"I let you go. I had to let us go."

"Max, no.

She wiped her tears and stood up. "I'm so sorry."

"Max," he said, standing up and pulling her in close. "Stay with me. You're the love of my life."

"Stop."

"No. We belong together. You know that."

"Let me go."

He wiped her tears, tilting her face to his. "I love you. I've been waiting to come back to you. I need you. You're the love of my life, Max. You're what kept me going these last seven years."

This isn't fair, none of this is fair. I can't. I loved him, I would have fought to make it work. "No."

"You are the love of my life. We belong together."

She pushed back from him. "Stop. Let me go."

"I love you. You're my wife," he said, pulling her closer. "Come home with me. I want to touch you, really touch you, I love you so much."

She wiped her tears and shook her head. "It's too late. We were crashing and burning and…I'll never keep you from your kids. You and me? No, I can't. Not again. Don't!"

"Max," he said, as she ducked away as he tried to pull her back and kiss her. "You know this is right. That we're right."

I can't stop crying. I can't do this. I loved him so much…so much that I wanted it to work. "Just let me go. We're drawing up divorce papers."

"Never."

* * *

 **Present**

She's fine, John thought, shaky this morning. She should have brought our lawyer. I hate her meeting him alone, and that's just me being jealous. She wrapped herself around me in bed, smiled at the thought of us just making a baby, and then went to meet Kenny. I trust and love her. She's up in her own head…She hugged Regan and Nat tightly this morning.

"Dad?" Kara said. "Is Max coming home?"

"Of course, she's coming home," he said, looking at Regan and Nat in their backyard after school and swim team. "This is a shock for her."

"Are you still getting married?"

He nodded. "As soon as she gets divorced. You know, this doesn't change how Max and I feel about each other, or how she feels about you."

"What if it…If it was the other way? If my mom came back?"

"That isn't fair, Kara."

"I don't remember her."

"She loved you so much. I really like to think she'd be so happy that you and Max are so close. That you, Regan and Nat are like sisters. You know they think of you that way. If this was reversed? What Max and I have is different from what I had with your mom. Your mom and I were 22 when we got married. Your mother loved you, Kara. She watches over you now. She would smile knowing that you're getting to be a big sister to two girls who adore you."

"Nat and Regan love you, Dad. I know Nat says it a lot and Regan is more guarded."

"Ah, Regan is like Max that way."

"Max makes you really happy, Dad."

"She does."

"Did you like her back in Wisconsin?"

"I did. We…We were different people 10 years ago. If we had tried, who knows? I think we're very lucky that we found each other again. She needs to work through this, Kara, and we need to give her the space to."

* * *

 **6 Years Ago**

 _A year, Kenny thought, sipping his beer at the bar. A year waiting to testify, working in a warehouse…sleeping alone every night. Rolling over in bed, reaching for my wife, who is never there. Who I'm not allowed to call, to contact…she thinks I'm dead. She doesn't know I'm coming home to her. She has to feel it deep down, we're connected. Eyeing the redhead at the bar he smiled. She never has to know._

* * *

 **Present**

"Mommy, you're hugging me too tight," Natalie said. "Mommy!"

She pulled back, smoothing back her dark hair. Oh, she does have Kenny's eyes…not sure where her innate sweetness came from, this ball of sunshine of mine. My Nat, who just loves John, thinks of Kara as her sister. "Maybe I missed you, Kiddo."

"Did you go see my Daddy? That's what Regan thinks. Mommy, why can't John be my daddy?"

She gulped at that. "I think you're lucky, Nat. You get to have two dads. Two people in your life that love you. Me, John and your father need to work some things out. You and Regan? You're surrounded by people who love you."

"I want to live with you and John, Mommy. Can I still call him Daddy when you get married?"

Don't cry, Max, do not cry. "I think he'd like that. Where is everyone else? I missed you guys today."

Nat took her hand and tugged her toward the backyard. "Come see, Mommy."

"Oh, you guys," she sighed. This is where I belong. This is my family. Don't cry. Don't fall apart, Max. "What is this?"

John looked at her, with Natalie holding her hand. She looks wrecked. "Hey, Honey."

Oh, I missed you, she thought, just your calming presence. The way he looks at me…his hands on me. His faith in me to come back to him. "What's all this?"

"Mom!" Regan said. "Look what John taught us."

"A new sport?" she smiled. "Nat, are you going to show off with your sisters?"

"I love you, Mommy," she said, before running to hug John too. "John, I love you too, and I want you to be my daddy."

He looked at Max again. Wrecked. She told him. "Hey, nothing is going to change, Nat."

"Mommy says I have two daddies now. I don't want two. I want you."

"Your dad did a brave thing that helped a lot of people. He never got a chance to see what great kids you and Regan are. Your mom is right," John said, smiling over Nat's head at her. "You and Regan are lucky kids."

"But I want you to be my Daddy. You take care of me. You love Mommy and she loves you."

"You're making your mom cry," John said. "Nat, I love getting to your and Regan's dad. Kara loves getting to be your big sister, and I love your mom very much. Your Dad lost out on a lot with you and Regan…it wasn't fair to any of you. You got to give him a chance."

"Mommy?"

"Oh, Nat," she said, shaking herself out of it and joining them. "We're going to go slowly, okay? But we love you so much, Kiddo, and that will never change."

"And you love each other? You're going to get married?"

Max held his gaze. "Yup. I believe the four of you planned the whole thing? I'm in."

She giggled. "Mommy likes kissing you. She loves you."

"What if I kiss her right now? A big, sloppy, wet, one? Think I can make her squirm?"

He's wonderful with her, oh and Nat loves him so much. Do not cry, Max. "Kiss me then, John."

He smiled back at her, seeing the teasing light in her eyes. "Better look away, Nat."

She hugged him again, before running out into the yard. My kid, Max thought, all love. "I missed you today."

"Ah, come here," he said, wrapping his arm around her, as they sat on the deck steps. Kissing her, he pulled back to really look at her. "I missed you too."

I love his arms around me, she thought, I belong in his arms. Not sobbing in a coffee shop with Kenny. Oh, I hurt him. He's going to hate me forever. His entire family is…the people that kept me together and let me heal. My kid's family. How can I do this? Is this selfish? Wanting to be with John? Our life when Kenny had his ripped away so unfairly?

"You okay?"

She looked at him and smiled. "Just stuck in my own head. Nat is…I'm not sure where she came from. No way did Kenny and I create that child."

"You always had a softer heart than you let on. She is all that part of you…while Regan is as hardheaded, stubborn, and reminds me so much of you 10 years ago."

"Ah, so she irritates you?"

"No more than you did," he smiled. "How did it go?"

"I told him everything. John, he…all he wants is me. Not them…part of me is terrified that he'll use that to, that Sharon will…they let me heal and grieve and…they're going to hate me."

"It isn't fair. I know that."

She looked at him for a long moment. "What should I do?"

"What do you want to do, Honey?"

Marry you, she thought, raise our kids together. I'm my best self with you. "I want my kids to know that they're safe and loved. I told Kenny I want a divorce, and…that I would never keep his kids from him. He doesn't want them. How can I tell them that?"

John squeezed her for a long moment. "You don't tell them. We're going to raise them. They'll never know. Ah, Max, come here."

"He told me he loved me. That I was the only reason he made it through these seven years."

"What do you want?"

"You. Us. Everything we talked about. I'm so in love with you and then I feel so guilty because of it. He lost everything and…all I want is to marry you and raise our family together."

"It's a wonderful thing Kenny didn't die. You know that. We have some things to work out with it."

"Divorce and custody."

"I'm not going anywhere, Honey. We have time."

"You're the best guy. I mean that. Of course, I'm glad he's alive, he was my very best friend, for his parents and family…it's wonderful. We had so many problems, maybe if we didn't have the kids it would have been fine…and I can't imagine my life without them. I want full legal and physical custody. I don't want to hurt him, John, I already really did."

He nodded, as she snuggled in closer and wrapped her arms around his waist. She fits so well next to me, he thought, just listen to her. Help her through it. We know what we have. "I know. Max, it isn't fair…he got a raw deal. He's alive. He gets a second chance with Regan and Nat."

But not with me, Max thought, he just touches me, and I start shaking. Crying. There is just so much history… How do I do this? John and me…effortless, easy, I love this man so completely…and Kenny touching me makes me crumble. He wants me…only me. "I'm so scared that, they'll get attached and pull that distant and cold…it hurt a lot, but they're my babies. They don't need to have anyone treat them like that. What?"

He smiled at her. "I know, Mama Bear."

"Can we not talk about it? Just hang out? I will talk to you about anything besides this."

"How about we go out this week? Adult quality time, you and me? As much as I love our standing hot dog date."

"I adore Wednesday hot dog date. I would love to go out on a date with you."

His grin broadened, as the just looked at each other for a long moment. "Okay then. How about we go play some soccer with our kids?"

Our kids, she thought, they really are. "You want to go, Counselor?"

He pulled her up with him. "We can take them. Come on."

* * *

 **5 Years Ago**

 _"It's been two years and no movement," Kenny stated. "I can't do this anymore."_

 _Morell looked at him. "We're making the case and moving in. Once they're put away, it will be safe to go home."_

 _"No. I need Max. She can do this with me."_

 _"Max and your children are doing very well."_

 _My kids…Max's kids. "Max would do anything for them."_

 _"She has. They'll be there when you're done."_

* * *

 **Present**

"I love hot dog date," Max admitted, as he walked her back to her office. "Seriously, John, I should be embarrassed by my chili dog love."

He smiled back at her, squeezing her hand. "And you know you're feeding the kids healthy tonight."

"I'm pushing 40, I deserve a chili dog," she laughed, pausing to catch her balance on him. "Whoa."

"I got you."

"Sorry, I just got really lightheaded. Wow, that was," she started. "Sorry."

"Are you nauseas too?" he asked, not letting her go. "Are you okay, Honey?"

"No, I'm not," she said, staring at him. "I would know. I've done that two times. No way… maybe? Wow."

His grin broadened, as he looked at her. "Maybe we should go buy a test."

She smiled back at him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I need to go back to work…I have to be in court tomorrow. Tonight?"

He nodded, really looking at her. We can't be…we've been talking about it. Working on it. "It could be a very good night."

She leaned in, kissing him for a long moment on the street. "It will be. I love you. I'll see you tonight. Oh, hi."

He pulled her back in close to him for a long moment. "You're very touchable, Max. Lovable. Kissable. Pregnatable?"

She smiled at that. "I'm not sure that is a word. I have to go. Work. Save the children. My bleeding heart and all…I'll meet you at home."

"Get on that, Honey. I'll grab the kids and see you tonight."

Oh, he should kiss people for a living, she thought, kissing him back. "I'll cook then."

"Go, save the world."

Oh, he's so good, she thought, I'm my very best self with John. Looking back at over shoulder at him, damn, Max, damn. Go to work. Finish your files…Go home and pee on a stick. Hang out with my kids. Work.

How did I get so lucky, he wondered, we're going to be better than okay? Rock solid.

"What the hell are you doing to my wife, Littleton?"

* * *

 **TBC**


	13. Chapter 13

**Present**

"Kenny," John said evenly. With flowers, waiting… "I assume you're looking for Max."

"She was hard to see with your tongue down her throat."

"Max and I have been seeing each for awhile now. I believe she's been clear on that."

"She isn't going to marry you. She was just lonely and desperate. We'll be fine now."

Lonely, maybe, committed to her kids and providing for them. She had figured most of it out, accepted herself in her new life, and we sparked together there. "That is for her to decide."

"You really want to be her sloppy seconds?"

"You might try listening to her. You might find out what is important to her and what she wants. She told me about how you felt about her being pregnant, Regan, what you said to her, and you missed out. Regan and Natalie are great. It's been almost two weeks, Max told them you're alive, she's been over and over it with them, and they want to see you. Try putting in some effort with your children."

"Max said she never told anyone."

"It's something Regan and Nat will never know. Not by me and certainly not by their mother."

"They're all she cares about."

John paused at that. "Max would run through fire for them. She is very much a devoted and loving mother. She's still her though...Pushing her away, harping on her about her baby weight, getting drunk all the time and neglecting your kid? I don't know what your problem was, but you had an amazing wife. Max has her flaws, she is stubborn, hard headed, emotional, argumentative, but she is smart, funny, kind, and she's not afraid to try new things. Have you even asked her about her life here? Her choice to move? To start over?"

"I don't need you to tell me how to talk to my wife."

Your wife who started at divorce papers with Mark. All she wants is custody and a divorce…and to grant you whatever visitation you want. She opens herself up to him so much and he keeps slapping her down. She practically begged him to come and see their daughters. Her confused daughters, asking why their dad isn't coming. Nat has been clingy with both of us. "You've sent her home to me in tears twice."

"Home to you. That's not going to last."

She's who I want to eat chili dogs with, he thought, sit on pool decks with, wake up with every morning, her breath reeked of chili when she kissed five minutes ago. Kara is right, she does make me happy. She always has. "That's really up to Max. She needs space and time."

"With you hovering over her."

"We live together. Whether you like it or not, we got engaged…and we still plan on getting married. We have a life together."

"You don't get to marry my wife. You couldn't find your own woman?"

"Max and I found each other."

Kenny shoved him, feeling his temper flare. "You touch her again and I'll end you. Stay away from her."

John stumbled back, caught off guard. "Don't touch me, Kenny."

"You're going to go tattle to Max?" he said, shoving him again. "She always liked it rough."

He dusted off his jacket and composed himself. "I really don't think she'd be surprised."

"Stay away from her."

"Let her do her job. She has meetings with families all afternoon. Good-bye, Kenny."

* * *

 **4 Years Ago:**

 _"Are you out of your mind?" Morell shouted. "You could have gotten yourself killed! You could have gotten your wife and children killed!"_

 _"I had to see her. She has to know," Kenny stated. "Let me see my wife."_

 _"Your wife is safe and so are your children. You do not get to fly across the country and blow our case and their safety, do you understand?"_

 _"No. Nothing about this."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"Max."

She looked up, as she walked out of her office and toward the train. "I didn't know you knew where I worked."

Kenny looked at her for a long moment. "Do you want to get a drink?"

She gulped, shifting her purse on her shoulder. "Um, I have to get home. It's kind of crazy on weeknights between swimming, homework, and dinner. I have to run by the store and cook."

"You don't cook."

She smiled despite herself. "I got pretty good. We do a lot of barbecue now that the weather is nicer, but I can crush a taco night."

We, he thought, she's talking about Littleton. "We need to talk."

She looked at him. "About what?"

"Us, Max. What do I have to do to fix it?"

Turn back time, she thought, go back 10 years and start again. I can't, I don't trust myself with him…and the kids. He still hasn't tried, they've been asking and… "There isn't anything to fix, Kenny. I have to get home."

"Home to him."

"Yeah, to John and our kids. I want you to know them, if you want to. If you don't…they'll be okay. They're surrounded by people who love them."

The kids I didn't want that Max centered her life around. The kids that made her different. Littleton, of course, it's Littleton. He acted like he knows her…talked about her like they really mattered. Like he knew her. She convinced herself she loves him. Go with it. Don't fight her. "You were really good with Regan. My parents have pictures everywhere. You moved here so they'd have family."

"We needed a fresh start."

"Max, I'm so sorry for all of it. I lost the best part of my life. I never wanted to leave you."

"I know…Kenny, I understand it. It's just," she trailed off, looking at him. "We were fighting all the time, it's been so long and…we don't know what would have happened with us. We're not the same people who got married nine years ago. I don't think you know how much the way you were treating me really hurt."

"I still don't know how to be a dad. Pushing you away was how I dealt."

She gulped at that. "You learn how to be one. We made two great kids…but if you don't want to know them, tell me now because I need to explain it to them."

They're what matters to her. I need to do this for her, it's the only way. Littleton is in her life. Raising her kids…our kids. She's wearing his ring. "I want to know our kids, Max."

She nodded. "Okay. Weekdays are crazy, but…we have a swim meet Saturday. You should come."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"You're such a swim mom," John said. "How did you let yourself get talked into this?"_

 _She smiled at him, as he dropped down next to her on the bleachers. "Maybe I'm just a joiner."_

 _He grinned back at her. Ah, I like her, he thought, she is different…and too damn adorable in those low-slung jeans and gray sweater. Don't. Not her. "You're going to be running bake sales and timing for years now. Just wait…I did it too. Rookie mistake."_

 _"Okay, professional swim parent, what should I do?"_

 _You should stop being so adorable, which she would hate, are we flirting? She should not smile at me like that if she isn't. "Flee. Delete emails. Sit here engrossed in your phone. Pretend we're having a serious conversation. You're going to be baking racks of cookies and making pounds of pasta."_

 _"Uh, I make great cookies. Seriously…they sold out at Regan's school bake sale. Be impressed."_

 _"Who are you?"_

 _"Your irritating and antagonistic old friend? Who can bake. On the last snow day from school, when we got that two feet, that's what we did. We made mountain of cookies, trashed our kitchen in the process, and gorged on them while we watched movies. Don't tell the organic and health food moms, they'll shun me."_

 _"You are less irritating. I watched you trying not to laugh at the debate about kale versus spinach. Were you thinking about chili dogs and cookies?"_

 _"Pizza and brownies."_

 _"You're making me hungry…Do you guys want to grab dinner after practice?"_

 _"Can Kara handle it? She's baby-sitting for me on Saturday night, I don't want her to be totally scared off."_

 _"She likes them. Regan can be intimidating, that girl is wise beyond her years and who couldn't love Natalie? Seriously, Max, you hit the ball out of the park with those two."_

 _"They're pretty great."_

 _"So is their mom."_

 _She stiffened at that before forcing herself to relax. Just John, she thought, my old friend John Littleton. This isn't anything more than poolside chat…how is he getting to be one of my closest friends? The guy who I look forward to talking to every day? Who I like drinking wine with? No, Max, no…that's not what this is. He isn't like those guys I hop into bed with. Friends, a real good guy. Grinning back at him, keep it casual. "Right back at you, John."_

 _He gulped, not taking his eyes off her. Dangerous, he thought, flirting with her is dangerous. It isn't what she wants. "How does pizza and wings sound?"_

 _"Perfect."_

* * *

 **Present**

"He waited for you after I left."

Max nodded, as they split a bottle of wine on the porch later that night. "Yeah."

"You think he's going to show up to the meet?"

She let out a long breath. "He wants me back. If he has to make nice with Regan and Nat…I don't want them to get hurt."

"What do you want?"

She smiled at him. "You know what I want."

"You sure you should be drinking that? You have a bag of tests upstairs. I'm serious, Honey, does he have a lawyer yet? Mark is ready to file papers."

"No. He believes I'll scrap the divorce, kick you out, and…I don't think…I don't think he'd like me that much anymore. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. I know having kids changed me, then him dying and… Am I really different?"

"You're still feisty, determined, smart, hard headed, but…there is something softer about you. You let people in more. You're more fun. I love watching you in court fighting for kid's rights. So yes, you are different, but at your core? You're still you…and I love you…and maybe what you're growing inside you."

She smiled at that, as he interlocked his hand with hers. "You want me to go take the tests now? It makes it real, John."

"We're going to make a great kid if you are."

"Hmm, we will. Boy or girl? I mean we're three-for-three with girls."

"I'm surrounded."

Nat and him on the porch swing reading together, while Regan and Kara played soccer when I came home. Nat, curled up next to him, if I am pregnant, this baby will be so lucky to have him as their dad. My kids are lucky. I'm lucky. "Well, I'm going to do the private and extremely unattractive task of peeing on a stick. Care to join me in 10 minutes?"

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"You came to help me bake," Max smiled. "Really?"_

 _No, to spend time with you, he thought, I really like hanging out with her. "You have to do 200 cookies. I'm in. Impress those bake sale snobs."_

 _"Regan and Nat end up eating most of the batter...I would be half done, but they are now in a sugar coma in the basement. I think they zoned out to cartoons."_

 _"I can't promise not to eat batter."_

 _"Oh, you have nothing on them. I could toss a package of cookie dough on the floor and they would turn into beasts."_

 _"You have great kids. Seriously, Max, they're great. You're great with them."_

 _She held his gaze at that. "They have their moments."_

 _What would she do, he wondered, taking her in wearing old sweats, t-shirt and ponytail, if I kissed her? No, get it out of your head, it isn't what she wants...even if I can't stay away from her. "Kara likes to baby-sit them and not just because you pay well."_

 _She smiled over her shoulder at him, her heart beating faster. Calm down, it's just John, relax. In my kitchen, baking cookies…I'm baking cookies with John Littleton. "She's their favorite baby-sitter. Seriously? I can't believe that's the same girl who would sleep on your office couch."_

 _"You'll have teens soon enough."_

 _"Oh, God, no, can they stay five and seven? I can't believe they're that old either…I blinked, and they're grown up."_

 _He grinned back at her. "They'll be dating, obsessed with their phones and driving."_

 _She laughed, as the leaned back against the counter together. "I wanted a houseful, John."_

 _"Really."_

 _She nodded. "I've made amends with my parents, somewhat, after Kenny died I thought it was important to mend fences, rebuild relationships and…it's not perfect but I think we get each other more. They spoil Nat and Regan. I always wanted a big family growing up and I would have loved to have more kids."_

 _"You're 37. You have time."_

 _She smiled and shook her head at that. "It's tempting some days, but no. It works with the three of us."_

 _"Yeah? What if you meet someone?"_

 _"That is something…I don't know. I hate dating. I want to work, raise my kids, go out with friends and…it's hard."_

 _"Max?"_

 _She smiled and shook her head. "To do this alone. I'm busy all the time, but…do you ever in the morning just…wake up and…and really wish someone was with you?"_

 _I want you, he thought, no, don't think of her like that. Not sad and lonely, he thought, she's content raising her kids, I can't push anything on her. Let her set the pace…if we even have a pace. "Every day."_

 _She nodded. He has such beautiful hands, his eyes are so kind when he looks at me, it's like he sees inside me. No, just John and me...not him. Focus, Max, focus. "We should get started…Eggs are in the fridge._

* * *

 **Present**

"Max?" John said, knocking on their bathroom door. "Are you alive?"

She sat on the toilet staring at the row of tests. "Uh, yeah. Hold on."

He watched as she opened the door and stood there for a long moment. "You okay?"

"I took all six and…John, they're all negative. I really thought…maybe. I was getting excited about being a mom again."

"It doesn't mean we have to stop trying."

She smiled at that. "Should we? John, how do we bring a baby into this? Regan and Nat are pretty shaky over their dad being alive, and I don't want to implode their life anymore."

"Hey, if we end up with the three that we have, I'm good with that. I just really like the idea of us making a kid."

The best guy, she thought, oh what is he doing to me? "Do you want to lose your pants, Counselor?"

"Only if you lose yours first."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"You're a saint," Max smiled, as he handed her a cookie at the meet. "Patron saint of cookies."_

 _Max, he thought, a swim team shirt, tight jeans, making nice with swim team moms. We should go out, no, we're not there. She's adorable. "Do want to get something more healthy after? Kara is sleeping over at Molly's. Aren't Regan and Nat staying with their cousins? What do you say? I'll cook."_

 _She paused, looking at him for a long moment. I was going to go out, pick some guy up and…screw his brains out. Dinner with John? Quiet night in his kitchen? Whatever this is with us, I think he feels it too. Simmering…I'm not…No. I should run from him. "What are you going to make me?"_

 _"I'll surprise you. How about seven?"_

 _"I'll be there."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Oh, you two. Congratulations," a swim mom said, joining them. "That is a beautiful ring."

Max looked up. "John has good taste."

"But I heard a rumor…You know that your husband is back from the dead…that he was some undercover agent who faked his death."

Max nodded. "Something like that. It's complicated."

"But the two of you? I mean you've been the talk of the parent board. Such a lovely romance bloomed on this pool deck. You have a husband and…"

Max clamped down on her temper. My personal business. Why I toss and turn at night, and John just pulls me against his chest, nuzzles my neck, and holds me until I fall asleep. "I know. Listen, my kids are pretty stressed out and we're trying to make this easier for them."

"If you want to bring something back to the parent board," John said. "You can tell them that our lovely romance is going swimmingly."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"Hmm, what time is it?" Max murmured. "Where am I?"_

 _John cracked his eyes open, suddenly very aware of her in his arms, sleeping on his couch. We both conked out, ah I like her here. "Max?"_

 _She shifted slightly, lifting her head from his chest. "Oh…Hi."_

 _She fits here. Snuggled under my arm, wrapped around me. "Hey, it's late. I guess we fell asleep."_

 _"Hmm," she murmured again. "I need to go home."_

 _Stay, he thought, please stay. "It's three in the morning."_

 _She smiled through her hair at him. I don't want to move…that's why I should. John's arms around me, I'm practically in his lap…no, this is way too dangerous. Home. Alone. My bed. "I know…I need to go."_

 _"I have a guestroom. Max, if you want to go, I'll drive you. You walked, remember?"_

 _I can't stay here. Not with him…what would we do if I…no, not John. I need to stay away from him, he's making me feel things. No. "Yeah. Can you?"_

 _Kiss her. Make her stay. No. Look at her, something is freaking her out here. Go. "Come on. Let's get you home, Max."_

* * *

 **Present**

She's flirting, Kenny thought, Littleton's arm around her. Smiling, talking, laughing, she never looked at me the way she looks at him. She's wearing that ring he gave her…her legs in those tight jeans, a swim team shirt and her hair so long and loose. This isn't Max. She doesn't make small talk, go to kids sporting events, she brought a plate of cookies…who is this? My daughter getting a piggyback ride from him and my other one bouncing around his daughter. He just smiled at her, said something to make her laugh…no, Max, no…she's serious about this. Him. How do I go in there and be cordial to the man that stole my wife?

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"I thought you were standing me up."_

 _I should have, Max thought, I wake up feeling your arms around me. He didn't want me to go, I know that, he held onto for a moment longer on that couch than was friendly and…he's smiling at me now. Something is happening. "I can't pass up a chili dog. Sorry, I was going to call and tell you I was going to be 15 minutes late. I got wrapped up meeting with a social worker."_

 _"Careful, your bleeding heart is showing."_

 _She smiled back despite her stirred up emotions. Freaking John Littleton. "I'll be in court tomorrow, the Mahoney case, I need a chili dog booster."_

 _"Yeah? Me too. How about a drink after?"_

 _She held his gaze. No, run, I can't do this. Not a guy I could really fall for…that I may be falling for already. No, stop it, Max. "You know I would love to? I'm taking a half a day, Nat has an extra ballet class before her recital. Next time?"_

 _"Is this the one with the pink and purple tutu she was telling me about?"_

 _Max smiled at that. Nat does like John…she always asks about him. "Yeah. It has glitter too, she's in heaven wearing it. Listen, I know she asked you come, you really don't have to."_

 _"Hey, I like your kid. I wouldn't miss it. Eat up."_

 _Crap, she thought again, just crap. I can't stop this…I don't think I want to._

* * *

 **Present**

"Swimmingly? That was corny."

"Well, Honey, so was her our lovely romance blossomed."

She smiled at him, looking at their girls on the pool deck. "It has been lovely."

"You look lovely," he teased. "Like such a swim mom, Honey."

"Seriously, between soccer, ballet, school, and swimming, I have a collection of sports team shirts…Did I tell you that Nat wants to do gymnastics and Regan softball? I'm never sleeping again. Should I give them phones, so they can be obsessed with those instead?"

"You love it."

"I do. Am I a total sap?"

"Partial sap."

"Max?"

She stiffened at his voice. No, I can do this. For Nat and Regan. Stop flirting with John. "Hi. You made it."

"I told you I would," Kenny said. She looks so happy…John Littleton makes my wife happy in some way I couldn't. "You look great."

"Thanks. We saved you a seat."

We, he thought, she is a we with him. No, Max, no. She lights up with him, she was smiling, Littleton keeps touching her…Max has her hand on his knee. "Which kids are ours?"

"That's Regan," she said. "By block three and Nat is…oh, on the bench with those bright pink goggles. She really loves those."

And I love you, he thought, our kids…who she seemed perfectly happy with Littleton. She gave him our kids. "You do this every weekend?"

"Swimming has taken over Saturdays," Max said. "Regan wants to be in the Olympics, and Natalie is more into it because her sisters are."

"Sisters?"

"They think of themselves as sisters."

"That girl is not their sister just because you're having an affair."

"An affair? I thought you were dead for seven years."

He goads her, John thought, and she lets him. This is the prickly Max I remember, hackles up, gearing up for a fight, letting her emotions get the best of her.

"I'm not dead. I get me being be would make it easier for you. You could just run off with Littleton and forget I existed."

"Seriously? You being alive is a wonderful thing. Just because we were fighting all the time and that it wasn't working doesn't mean I'm not thrilled you're alive. You were my partner and best friend before we were anything else and…I missed you. God, Kenny, I cried myself to sleep for a year…I couldn't take care of myself or our kids. I'm so glad you're alive."

"You want a divorce to marry him."

"That isn't what this is about. We were crashing and burning. I wanted it to work, I was fighting to make it work and…it shouldn't have been that hard."

"You were all over him in the pool lobby and out here."

"I was not, and it has nothing to do with the core of our problems. Today is about you meeting your kids. Your very happy, well adjusted, wonderful, kids…who are really freaked out. I'm going to get a refill on this. Can I leave the two of you alone together?"

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"She's adorable."_

 _Max glanced over at John. At Nat's recital with me…nothing but my good friend John. Stop thinking dirty thoughts at ballet. I want to straddle him right here and kiss him. No, Nat is dancing, pay attention. "She is pretty cute up there."_

 _You're more than cute, he thought, in this Ombre sundress and sandals, watching your kid dance. Nat is a heartbreaker…and Regan looks so proud of her little sister. Ah, Max, you did good here. Her mouth is begging for me to kiss it. Stop it, this is Max, stop thinking about her like that._

* * *

 **Present**

"My kids like you."

John shot him a look. "They're great kids…Max has done a wonderful job raising them."

"With you."

"We're recent additions to each other's lives."

"Not so recent that she agreed to marry you."

"She did. It's on hold."

"She's wearing the ring you gave her. She looked," Kenny started. "She never looked at me the way she looks at you."

"This snuck up on both of us. Max was okay, she was very committed to raising her kids, she has a good job, she made some great friends, she was okay. Neither of us planned on what happened between us."

"But it did happen."

It was the best thing that could have happened to me, he thought, if she hadn't kissed me in the yard that day, I would have kissed her. "It happened."

"My sister told me what my mother tried to do, right before her heart attack. Max really didn't tell them about our problems?"

"She wouldn't do that them. Your kids think you're a hero," John trailed off. "Max has gone over this with them a lot."

The kids I didn't want. The kids that Max loves and adores…that she seems happy to raise with Littleton. He'd probably adopt them, knock her up a few more times, and give her the family she always wanted. Max is all that I want…and kids come along with her. He looked back toward the pool door at her. Looking at her kids getting read to swim, a smile on her face…this life and Littleton makes her happy. Damn it, just damn it, Max.

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"You were great, Nat," John said, as Max hugged her tightly. God, Nat is adorable, just the sweetest kid._

 _"She's such a princess, John," Regan stated, before hugging her sister too. "I want to be a knight, Mom."_

 _Max hugged her too, smiling up at John. "There is the difference between these two."_

 _Nat giggled. "Regan can fight dragons and I'm going to ride a unicorn. John, are you coming to get ice cream with us?"_

 _"Depends. What kind, Nat?"_

 _She giggled and ran to hug him too. "Please, John? Mommy, can John come too? I have extra allowance and can buy him ice cream."_

 _Oh, my kid, she thought, watching them for a long moment. "John, you're more than welcome and Nat? Ice cream is on me today."_

 _She giggled and tugged on John's hand. "I like chocolate chip."_

* * *

 **Present:**

"John! John!" Natalie cried, running to him in the pool lobby and throwing her arms around him. "Did you see? I won! I never won a race before!"

He hugged her back. "Of course, I saw. Great job, Kiddo. You didn't hear your mom and me cheering for you?"

"Kara and Regan said I have to win every time now."

"You know Kara and Regan are really competitive?"

"I just like to swim," Natalie asked, as Kara and Regan finally came out of the locker room. "Mommy said I was awesome. Where is Mommy?"

"You were, Kiddo. Your mom was about to cry she was so proud," John smiled. "Your mom is over there."

Nat froze and frowned. "Is that him? My other daddy?"

"Is it?" Regan asked, joining them. "He came? Mom said he was going to try to. Why try? It isn't hard to come. Is that him, John?"

Ah, Max, he thought, trying to keep it casual. Come to the meet, we can get lunch, and he looked like he wanted to flee the entire time. How can he not want his kids? I'd adopt them. "Yeah, that's your dad. He was proud of you today too. We were thinking of taking everyone out for lunch, getting to know each other. What do you think?"

Regan frowned. "He's been back here for weeks. Why did he wait so long to come see us?"

He's an asshole, John thought, this is going to hurt Regan and Nat. "I think he had a lot to deal with."

"He could have tried, Dad," Kara stated. "Like you and Max do. Come on, Regan and Nat want you to be their dad. Not this guy."

"We're going to work it out," John said. "Max!"

She looked back at them and forced herself to relax. We're okay. Looking back at Kenny. "Are you ready to meet your kids?"

My kids, he thought, one who is pressed next to Littleton's side and the other who is frowning at me. The kids I didn't want. The only back to Max is by being their dad. Littleton isn't their father and Max isn't going to divorce me for him. Do this for her. Show her that I can. "They look like you."

"Regan acts like me too. It's scary sometimes. Nat is…I call her my little ball of sunshine. She's nothing but love and happiness that kid."

"She's glued to Littleton."

"Yeah. She pretty much latched onto him before we even started dating. Nat is…I'm not sure how she came from you and me sometimes."

"She was on his back."

Max nodded. Nat who wants John to read with her every night. She runs to him and gives him a big hug every day. "She really likes John."

"Like you do."

"This isn't about me," she started, as Regan marched over. "Hey, Kiddo."

"Are you my dad?" Regan asked bluntly. "Mom said you died a hero, but then you had to hide because there were bad people who wanted to hurt you. Grandma was super sad and crazy because she missed you. Mom doesn't cry anymore. Mom says we get two dads now and we should be happy about it. Why did it take so long to come see us? Mom and John told us a couple of weeks ago. That's not what dads do."

Kenny glanced at Max, who just wrapped her arms around Regan and held her close. That squirmy toddler, looking at me, just like Max does when she's annoyed. "Yeah. Hi, Regan."

"Mom, Nat is crying," she stated, before looking back at Kenny. "Nat never cries. She's always happy. Grandma made her cry too. Mom, why did he wait so long? You and John always change the subject about that."

She glanced back at John lifting a sobbing Nat up in his arms. Catching his eye, he just gestured toward the door. My baby, I want to throw my arms around her and never let go. No, she's good with John. Regan, deal with Regan interrogating her father. Don't cry, Max thought, as they ducked out with Kara. "Well, Kiddo, you know how sad Grandma is?"

"She's crazy, Mom."

"Because she's sad. Your dad knew that you had me and John with you and Nat, and you guys were okay. He needed to be with his mom, to make sure she was okay," Max lied through her teeth. "He had to help Grandma get better…and now he's here to see you and Nat."

Regan looked back at her dad. "Is Grandma better?"

It's like talking to Max, Kenny thought, this kid is pushing me. "She is doing better. I know she misses you and your sister."

"She tried to take us from Ms. Alice. We like Ms. Alice."

Kenny nodded, shooting Max a helpless glance. "I know she wants to see you again."

Regan frowned. "Mom is marrying John. We planned a wedding, even if she doesn't want the princess dress Nat picked. But you and Mom are married?"

"We are."

"Mom?" Regan asked, tugging on her hand. "Can we go find John, Nat and Kara now? I want to go home."

Max glanced at Kenny and back to Regan. "Yeah, of course, Kiddo. Go grab your bag."

She snuggled in closer to her and buried her face in her side. "Come with me, Mommy."

"I'll call you," Max said quietly, squeezing Regan tightly. "Come on."

I can't, Kenny thought, I can't lose her…and I already have to him.

* * *

 **TBC**


	14. Chapter 14

**Went back and forth on this one a bit…changed a lot of it.**

* * *

 **Present:**

"I can't, John," Max said quietly. "Nat just balled, and Regan shut down."

He looked at her flopped back on their bed and staring at the ceiling. "He's their father."

"Biologically."

"It's his loss, Max. I know he still loves you. It was obvious, and you let him goad you. It was like I was looking at you 10 years ago for a few minutes, that prickly deputy I once knew."

"I know," she trailed off. Nat sobbing, saying he wasn't her daddy…that John was her daddy. Regan calling me Mommy, I haven't been Mommy in a few years with her. Following me around. "John, I don't know how to make this okay for them."

"Hey," he said, taking her hand and pulling her up so he could look at her. "You do make it okay. Those girls love you, and they know that they are safe and loved. I know it's hard. He's their father, and he needs to decide it was aspect he wants to be involved. I get that he loves you and wants you back, Max, it was obvious by the way he looks at you. If it's what you want…no, screw it, I don't want you going back to him."

"Going back to Kenny hasn't even been a consideration."

"Just like that?"

She held his gaze and nodded. "It wasn't working before. I loved him, with every part of me, but it still wasn't working. We still want different things."

John just looked at her. Ask her. I need to hear her say it. "Do you still love him?"

"What?" she asked, looking at him like he was out of his mind. "John, I love you."

"That's not an answer, Honey."

She shook her head, looking at her hand in his. "I'll always love Kenny, John, we have a lot of history and we have two kids together. He was my very best friend, partner, my husband. I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm in love with you."

He leaned in, rested his forehead against hers and didn't take his eyes off her. "I think we need to go out and do something fun."

"Chicken wings, beer and pool?"

"Nachos too. Friday?"

She smiled at that. "It's a date, Counselor."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"John, you don't," Max started, as Nat tugged on both of his hands. "Nat, let him breathe."_

 _"Hey, it's been a long time since Kara was this little," he said, smiling at her. "It's kind of nice, Max. If she wants a few big pushes on the swings, I'm in."_

 _"Please?" she begged. "Just for a few minutes, Mommy?"_

 _I think I'm going to cry, Nat is just so…since I first had Kara and John over, she's been smitten with him. John Littleton, really? Who sat through a ballet recital, ice cream and my five-year-old begging for him to push her on the swings. Dangerous, Max, this is dangerous…and I want him to kiss me…I want to feel his hands on me. No, stop it, that isn't what this is. Oh, he's smiling at me, while Nat is chattering to him, oh what would he do if I kissed him? "How can I argue with the two of you? Go."_

 _"What are you going to do, Mommy? Regan is playing with her friends on the slide. Come with us," Nat said. "You and John can talk about grown up things while he pushes me."_

 _"Does it have to be grown up things, Kiddo?" she teased. "What if we want to talk about candy and rainbows?"_

 _"Mommy, you're being silly," Nat stated, taking both of their hands. "John, Mommy is really silly sometimes."_

 _He smiled over Nat's head at her. What are we doing? I can't really resist this kid, and Max is tempting…forget it, she looks about 10 seconds from fleeing from me. She feels it too, don't push her. "Is she? Come on, Nat, go pick out a swing."_

* * *

 **Present**

"She told me she wants a divorce," Kenny said. The Brocks…they were the only ones who knew. They promised to keep an eye on Max and she bolted. They promised that they would take care of her for me, and instead she is engaged and indoctrinated in mommy-hood with John Littleton. "That she has a lawyer. That she wants to marry Littleton."

Jimmy looked at his former deputy over beers for a long moment. "She's been very private about it."

He shook his head. "She wasn't supposed to do this."

"You know how stubborn she is," Jill said. "She made some rash decisions. She sold the house, practically everything she owned and left. She was devastated, grieving, and I didn't think she'd pull through. She dropped completely off the radar for more than two years. She committed herself to her kids, starting over, and even when we reconnected…she was very distant. Now, she's pretty angry that we lied to her."

"She stayed with my parents. They said she was a wreck. My dad said she pulled it together."

How cold she was at the park dedication, Jill thought, until I saw her light up with her daughters. Genuinely smiling and laughing, very similar to how she glowed when she and John were at dinner with us. How she tried not to smile when they looked at each other. They clearly adore each other. "She needs some time to sort through her feelings."

"She wants a divorce. I think she sorted through them."

"Max is prone to rash decision making."

Kenny shook his head. She loves him, it was all over how she held herself, looked at him, the easy way they had between them…and the kids. The kids I had with Max…Natalie clung to him and cried. Regan, after she interrogated me, she wanted Littleton. The way she looked at him…No. Just no, Max, she isn't this person. This is what I knew would happen if she had kids. She even said swimming took over her weekends…how can she stand it? "She's too stubborn to admit when she's wrong."

"You two need to talk. You have two kids together. If Max is talking about a divorce and getting remarried, have you talked about your kids?'

"She wants full and physical custody. I'm not fighting her on that."

"Have you seen them?"

"Once. One cried and didn't want anything to do with me. The other interrogated me and then begged Max to leave."

"She's been a single mom with them for a long time."

How do I let her go? Can I do it? Be a dad to those kids, Max will never accept anything else. Littleton obviously is their father figure right now. Natalie in Littleton's arms, crying, wanting to go home…calling him Daddy. Regan asking all the same things I knew Max was thinking. Those are my kids and my wife, and they went home with another man. The other man who wrapped his arm around her, made her laugh and smile, even as she tried to make me feel welcome at a swim meet. Just for a few minutes, it felt like we were okay…she felt it too. I know she did, even with him there. "She isn't one anymore."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"You're great," Max admitted, as he laid a passed-out Natalie on her couch. "She's going to be devastated that she didn't get to tell you good-bye. I think Nat likes you better than me."_

 _John grinned back at her. "I'm some guy who pushed her on a swing and ate ice cream with her. Regan and Nat are all about Mommy."_

 _She looked at Regan sleeping on the other side of the couch. "I always wanted to be a mom. I didn't know what to expect when I found out I was pregnant with Regan, but…the first moment I held her? Changed my life in ways I never saw coming."_

 _He reached out and took her hand without thinking. Seeing her look up at him, she didn't fight him, as he guided her toward the front door. "I felt the same way about Kara. I suddenly had someone dependent on me that I would do anything for. It's hard, huh? Being a single parent."_

 _She nodded, very aware of her hand in his, as they stood by her front door. "It's worth it. I wouldn't trade them for anything."_

 _He squeezed her hand for a long moment. Kiss her. "I need to go. I'm driving swim team carpool. We should get dinner this week."_

 _Max nodded, as they just looked at each other. Get away from him now. If I don't I'm going to kiss him and ruin this. Oh, the way he is looking at me is making me melt. Get it together, Max. "I'd like that. I'm flexible most nights."_

 _Kiss her, no, not when I have to run out the door. "I'll call you."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Oh, not fair!" Max laughed, as John wrapped his arms around her from behind. "This is cheating."

"I don't see a ref," John countered, as Regan kicked the ball through their goal. "Good shot, Kid."

"You guys are ridiculous," Kara giggled. "Seriously, you'd get detention for that."

"What if I gave her a sloppy wet one?" John teased, as Max squirmed in his grasp. "Would we get suspended?"

"Kiss her!" Natalie giggled. "Mommy, let John kiss you."

Max turned in his arms, feeling a bit reckless with him. Kissing him for a long moment, she ducked out of his arms and kicked the ball toward, Nat. "Come on, Kiddo. Don't fall for John's distractions."

"Those are fighting words, Honey."

She grinned at him, as Natalie kicked the ball toward her and froze in place. "Mommy?"

She looked toward the driveway and at the car pulling in. Oh…Kenny. Oh, Nat, blubbering against my leg. Rubbing her back, she tried to keep her voice light. "Hey, Kiddo, it's okay. I'm right here, Nat."

"I don't want him."

Max crouched down and hugged her. "Remember? He's just one more person in your life who loves you."

"Make him go away."

"Nat, stop being a baby," Regan said, taking her hand. "Mom and John told us nothing was going to change. Come on, let Mom talk to him and stop crying. He's our dad and we should be nice to him."

"You are getting way too grown up, Regan," Max said, smoothing back her long hair. "Stay right here, I'll be back."

"Do I need to be jealous?" John asked.

She shot him a look. "I didn't ask him to come."

Tense, hurting, a far cry from her giggling and kissing me a few minutes ago. He does this to her, he gets all under her skin and in her head. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just give me a few minutes," she said. "I'll be right back."

Prickly, he thought, gearing up for a fight. She's fine.

"Hey," Max said, stopping in front of him. "Uh, I wasn't expecting you."

She's breaking my heart, Kenny thought, whatever this is. Her happy playing soccer with her kids and Littleton? I forgot she played in college. I've never seen her look happier. "I needed to see you."

* * *

 **1 Year Ago**

 _"Hey, Stranger."_

 _Max smiled, despite her nerves around him. Dinners, she thought, drinks, a lot of them lately. Talking late into the night…how when he hugs me good-bye, they are always a bit too long and tight for a friend. "Stranger, huh? We've seen a lot of each other lately."_

 _I can't, John thought, look at her in shorts, some swinging tank top and her hair so shiny and loose. Those legs on these bleachers. "You're good company."_

 _My friend, she thought, it's more than that…what am I doing? John Littleton, who is so kind to my kids. He makes my heart beat faster, even just sitting here. I can talk to him, he makes me laugh, think, and oh, I'm so attracted to him. "Even drinking wine and playing Jenga?"_

 _"We can move up to Scrabble. How about it, while our kids are all having sleepovers? I might even take you up on your soccer challenge."_

 _"Oh really?"_

 _"Wine, hot dogs and soccer. What do you say?"_

 _Run. Danger, Max, danger. "I'm in."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Oh," she said. "I wish you told me. We're going to barbecue but got caught up with soccer and…we still are."

"I want to take you out to dinner."

She paused at that, looking at him for a long moment. "Right now?"

She didn't say no. She's sweaty, in some old athletic shorts and tye-dye. Flushed, looking very wary and unsure. "You should probably change first."

What is he doing? Am I considering this? God, Nat is a sobbing mess right now. "I can't. It's a school night."

"Stop being a mom for a few hours and come with me."

I want a hot dog and to play a few more rounds of soccer. I need to make this okay for my kids…Kenny isn't a bad person. We just never should have gotten married, at least not without being clear on what we wanted. He couldn't handle when I bleached my hair…why did I think he could handle us having a baby? Ugh, I suck. "I can't drop everything and run off with you. Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"Littleton will go for that?"

"You're not his first choice for company…but he wants Nat and Regan to get to know you."

"You seriously think you love him?"

"Why is that so hard for you to believe? It's been seven years…did you expect me to be alone for the rest of my life? Did you really think that we'd just…even if I was single…Kenny, it wasn't working. We wanted different things…we got married in a kneejerk reaction to me almost dying."

"You getting shot made me realize how much I didn't want to live without you."

"And if I hadn't? Would we have gotten married? Or even gotten back together?"

"You're only saying this because of him."

"John has nothing to do with what happened between us."

"He is a big part of what is happening now. You know you're using them as an excuse not to deal with us. This is what you want? This isn't you, Max. You're going to wake up one morning and regret all of this."

"I'm going to regret being with a great guy and my kids? Having a family? Divorcing the man who spent most of our marriage making me feel like crap? Ignoring me and his daughter? You shoved me into the counter when I was pregnant, I had bruises, because you were drunk, and it was the only way you could handle having sex with your fat wife. Well guess what? You blew it. I have no intention of ever coming back to you. I wanted a divorce seven years ago and I want one now. And it has nothing to do with John, and everything to do with what an ass you were to me."

"Max."

She stepped back from him, her temper flaring. "Just go. Don't come back. We can let the lawyers handle the rest."

"Max, wait."

"Good-bye, Kenny."

* * *

 **8 Years Ago**

 _"Push, Max," Jill said. "One more big one."_

 _"I can't," she sobbed. "I can't do this."_

 _"You have to. One more. I can see the head."_

 _"You can do this," Kenny said, not letting go of her hand. "Max, look at me, you have this. You heard her. Push."_

 _She pushed with everything she had, ignoring the pain. Falling back against the pillows, as a shrill cry of their newborn pierced the air._

 _"She's beautiful," Jill said, holding her up for them to see. "Congratulations."_

 _No, Kenny thought, no, as he watched Jill clean her up and hand her to Max. Max, no…my disheveled, sweaty, exhausted wife, has never looked as happy as she does right now._

 _"Max?"_

 _She looked up at him in wonder. "We did this."_

* * *

 **Present**

John held onto me a long time this morning, Max thought, he does give the best hugs. Told me he loved me, and he makes me feel so warm inside. That we were a team, that finding me was the best thing that could have happened to him and Kara, and that he loves and trusts me. Now, Jill Brock…who I'm not pissed off at. No, don't be angry. At least not about knowing about Kenny's not death, but the pity she heaped on me when she knew. Oh, I am angry. I want to throw and break things, scream, why can't I just enjoy my life? I like my job, I have some friends, I adore my kids, my future stepdaughter, and I have a great guy who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Kenny throws me off kilter, he knows how to push my buttons, and I let him.

"I'm glad you agreed to this."

Max sat back and looked at her. "Why wouldn't I?"

"You did throw a water bottle at Jimmy."

She winced slightly. "My aim was off that day."

"How are you and Kenny?"

"That is off the table for discussion. As are John and our kids."

"Max, that isn't healthy."

"I'm not some child who needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm fine. I've made my decision and there is nothing left to discuss," she said evenly, the hurt still very real. Nat crawled into bed with us last night because she was still confused. "We're getting divorced."

"Max, you can't mean that."

"I do mean it, and before you say it? It has nothing to do with John. I'd want one even if he wasn't in the picture. You don't know," she stated. No one but John knows. "We're not the same people."

"He loves you."

Max looked at her for a long moment, her temper simmering. I can't, I can't do it to Regan and Nat, they can't know that he never wanted them. Even if people hate me, they can't know. Me and John will love them enough, so it doesn't matter. "He doesn't know me anymore."

"You were all he talked about yesterday. He's devastated about you wanting a divorce and his kids not wanting to spend time with him. Max, John isn't their father."

"Kim calls you Mom. You don't get to sit here and tell me what I should do. I'm not a child who needs you to coddle and pity her. I'm tired of it. I get the witness protection part, I really do, what I don't get is how why you treated me like a perpetual victim. I'm not broken. I know what I want, and it isn't being married to Kenny."

"You want to marry John."

"That's not the only reason I want a divorce. Can we drop it?"

* * *

 **1.5 Years Ago**

 _"Dad," Kara whined. "Come on. You need to tell Max already. It's so obvious that you love her."_

 _"Max is my friend," John said. "Can I not have friends?"_

 _"Max is your friend? You guys hang out all the time. You went to Natalie's ballet recital…her kids really like you. I saw you holding her hand. Dad, you don't look at Max like she is your friend."_

 _"How do I look at her?"_

 _Kara giggled. "Like you want to kiss her. Seriously, on the bleachers at the pool? You always look like you're going to kiss her."_

 _"What would you think if I do kiss her? If Max and I decided that…what if I took Max out on a date?"_

 _"Dad," she groaned. "You and Max go out all the time. You can say it's as friends, but you're so dating her. You and Max need to talk. Then date. You're going to marry her, Dad."_

 _"How about if I take her out to dinner before you plan our wedding?"_

* * *

 **Present**

"You're not awful."

"You are biased," Max stated, as they sat across from each other at the kitchen island. "They don't get it."

"Well, you didn't ever tell anyone what was going on."

She nodded at that. "I know."

"You married him, he died, he came back…it reads like a book, except I'm supposed to be the evil interloper after you for your widow's benefits that I can use to pay off my massive debts to the casino."

Max smiled despite herself at that. "You really are too good for a mess like me…and you are way to practical to have gambling debts.

Adorable, he thought, and she'd hate that. "Nah, finding you again made my life better. I'm a lucky guy…and you and me? This is a forever thing, Honey. We're going to have a magical life together, I want us to see the world, raise our kids, grow old and wrinkled, spoil our grandchildren, the whole thing. Whether it happens this week or next year? It's you and me."

Damn it, she thought, he's going to make me cry. John Littleton…the D.A. that got under my skin and saw right through me 10 years ago. His gentle fingers on my face right now, his kind heart and passionate kisses…the best guy. "I'm in."

"Good," he smiled, squeezing her hand on the island. "Should we appease our kids with the beach wedding in Hawaii? They put a lot of work into it."

"As long as I don't have to wear that hoop skirted ballgown. I may go more flowy, simple, and concede to maybe a sparkling headband for Nat. Maybe."

"You could show up just like this and be the most beautiful bride."

"Your bride," she smiled, as their porch door exploded. Stifling a scream, as John grabbed her and threw her behind the island as a swarm of bullets flew in.

* * *

 **1.5 Years Ago**

 _"You what?" John said, his heart breaking. "Impressive."_

 _Max shrugged. "I met him at the grocery store coffee counter. He seems really nice and…I'm bad at this, John."_

 _"Come on, he's a lucky guy. You are a catch, Max."_

 _She groaned at that. "Not even close. Disaster date is more like it. I'm more looking forward to our hot dog and soccer plans than going out with Tim."_

 _I hate the idea of her on a date. With anyone. Ever. "Cancel, we can do it twice."_

 _"You have to have more exciting things to do than hang around with me."_

 _"Nope. I like hanging out with you. Even if your kids think I'm a jungle gym."_

 _My kids, especially Nat, adore him. She smiled at him, her heart pounding in his chest. He just looks at me and…what is happening? John Littleton…This can't be happening. It is happening. I'm falling._

* * *

 **Present**

"Lock the door!" John yelled. "Right now, Kara, upstairs, stay there with Nat and Regan!"

Max pressed her sweatshirt to his bleeding arm, as someone kicked out the glass of their door. They're safe. No one will hurt them.

"You bitch! You did this!"

Max winced. Did she really shoot up my kitchen? Focus…she's out of her mind. I've been a terrible daughter in law lately. Divorcing her son. She shot John… "Sharon?"

"You did this! He's leaving because of you!"

She tied off the sleeve around his flesh wound. My kids are safe. John is okay. She won't hurt my kids. "Who is?"

"I saw the papers. He signed the divorce papers, he's giving up his parental rights! He's taking a job with the FBI! He's leaving us again!"

Giving up his parental rights? Oh…Crap. Focus, she's nuts. "I'm going to stand up. We can talk about this. We can fix it and make it right for Kenny, Nat and Regan."

"You are his wife! Those are his children! They are coming with me right now."

"Don't," John hissed, holding her down. "Kara is calling 911. Don't."

Max stifled a scream, as a bullet ripped through the island. He's shaking, sweaty, going into shock. "You're okay. Deep breath. It's a flesh wound. I love you, John, I love you so much."

"Now, Max!" Sharon shouted, firing again. "I want my grandchildren, now!"

She leaned in, kissed him for what felt like the last time, and stood up slowly. "Sharon? You don't need that. I'm right here. We can talk."

"You bitch."

"You saved my life, Sharon. Your whole family did. Your grandchildren are great because you took us in. Please put the gun down. They don't need to know this violence."

"The don't need their whore of their mother shacking up with that black man! Kenny loves you! He needs you! He's leaving all us because he can't have you!"

Running, she thought, away from what he doesn't want to deal with. Like I did. Damn it. "I'll talk to him, Sharon. I'll do whatever he wants. Please, put the gun away. You know how much I love Kenny…I'm just afraid. It hurt so much, I can't…I can't handle losing him again like that. I don't want my girls to feel it…lets go right now. I'll tell him."

"And him?"

"He won't be a problem. You shot him," Max lied, gulping back her terror and tears. "I need to stop lying to myself. I love Kenny, he was just a stand in."

"Mom?"

"Regan, go upstairs," Max said evenly, her heart dropping at her eight-year-old in the kitchen doorway. "Now, Regan. Go find Natalie and Kara. Right now."

"Grandma?" she asked, staring at a passing out John. "Mommy? What's wrong with John?"

"John is fine. Go upstairs."

"Grandma are you hurting Mommy too? I need Mommy and John…they're getting married and John is going to be our Daddy."

"Mom, Jesus Christ!" Kenny cried, running into the kitchen. "Dad told me and…Max? Are you okay?"

She stared at him, moving to shield Regan from the line of fire. "I'm fine. Your mom and I were just going to leave together to come find you, so we could start over."

Kenny heard the lie in her voice, as she stood between Regan and the gun. "Mom, we need to go. You don't want to hurt Max or Regan. I'm the one who screwed up our marriage before I vanished on her. I'm the one who hurt her…and she deserves all the happiness in the world because of it. Her kids, and Regan and Natalie are hers, deserve to be happy with her and Littleton. We need to go. Now."

"Mommy?"

"You're okay, Regan," Max promised. "We're all okay."

"You lying bitch!" she screamed, pulling the trigger again.

"No!" Max cried, shoving Regan down, as Kenny tackled Sharon and she fired again.

* * *

 **TBC…One more chapter to go**


	15. Chapter 15

**Present**

I can't move. Think. A shadow cast over her world, she squeezed Nat on her lap and Kara snuggled close to her side. Them. I need to be here for them. Be an adult. Wake up. They need their mom right now. I can't, I really can't. Regan, John, Kenny…John is okay…flesh wound. Being stitched up. Kara isn't losing her father… Nat isn't losing the man she wants to be her daddy. Regan, my perfect, smart, wonderful, Regan. Blood, so much, I couldn't…she's only eight. I need her. I held her that first time, when she first moved inside me…I never knew I could love so much. So still, so quiet…I can't cry, I won't be able to stop. Kenny….

"Max?"

She looked up, keeping Nat and Kara close. Blood, John and Regan's on me, Regan…no, she hasn't had a chance to live. "Mel."

She shook her head, staring at her sister in law. "What happened? Dad is at the station with Mom…she…Regan? Kenny?"

Max wiped her tears, as Nat sobbed against her. "We don't know yet."

"Mom did this?"

She nodded, as Kara squeezed Nat's hand too. "Yeah."

"And John?"

"He's getting stitches…it was a flesh wound. John is fine," Max said, squeezing Kara's hand for a long moment. "He's fine, Kara."

"She did this? To Kenny and Regan? Her son and granddaughter?"

Max nodded, not letting go of her girls. "Mel, I'm so sorry. I can't…my daughter is…she's only eight and…I can't do this. I can't lose her. Oh, Nat, Sweetheart, it's okay."

"Mommy."

Max pressed her lips to her hair. They deserve better. I promised myself I'd give them a wonderful life. They are the best things I've ever done. Regan…I can't…no, she'll be fine. I'll buy her every puppy she could ever want. Let her eat cake in bed. Anything…please let her be okay. So much blood…I'll kill Sharon for this. I'll rip her arms off and club her to death. "I'm right here, Nat. Me, Kara and Aunt Mel. No one is going to hurt you."

"Mommy."

"And I love you so much, Nat."

"Mrs. Lacos?"

No, she thought, no…I can't hear bad news. Nat and Kara, I can't…I can't fall apart yet. I can do this. "Hey, Kiddo, I need to talk to the doctor."

"Don't go, Mommy. Don't leave us."

"Never," she promised, standing and wincing at Nat's weight in her arms. Shifting her snuggled in six-year-old slightly, she felt Kara supporting her from the other side. John did really well with her… I couldn't imagine a better big sister. "Please, Regan?"

"Regan sustained kidney and liver damage when the bullet ricocheted. She needs a partial liver transplant and kidney removal," he said, as Max felt the tears stinging in her eyes at that. "As for your husband, Mrs. Lacos, he is listed as an organ donor and he is a match for your daughter. He is currently on life support, but there is no brain activity."

Max felt the floor drop out from underneath her, as she clutched Natalie tightly to her. I can't…he can't ask me to…Kenny, I can't do that to him.

"My brother," Mel sobbed, joining them. "He's braindead?'

The doctor nodded. "I'm very sorry."

"His liver," Mel said, as Max wiped her tears. "It can save Regan?"

"Yes. All his organs can go to people in need."

"Max, you have to say yes to this," Mel said. "He'd want to save his daughter."

The daughter he didn't want, Max thought, the one that drove a wedge so big through our marriage that we never recovered. The daughter who I love more than I ever imagined. Regan…

"Mrs. Lacos?"

She looked at Nat and Kara, her heart breaking into a million pieces. For them. Everything for them. This is most father-like thing he can ever do for her, she'll always have a piece of him. "He always wanted to help people. Okay, save my daughter."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _Kenny looked at her in the break room, pouring coffee, filling out that uniform in a way that had driven him crazy for the past seven years. Just back at work from being shot, amazing all night sex with her…flirting with me all morning as Carter freaked out. Does she want to? Can I ask her? I can't ask her to marry me here…it's the perfect spot. It's where I fell in love with her. Love at first sight. Her smile when she faltered when Jimmy introduced us. She knew then too. I should have asked her then. I'm asking her now._

 _"So, Max?"_

* * *

 **Present**

Regan, Max thought, clutching her hand tightly and staring at her pale and still eight-year-old in the hospital bed. I'm never leaving your side again, anything you want is yours. Puppies, candy, hot air balloons, I'll protect you from everything out there. No, Max thought, shaking herself. That's what they did to me, tried to shield me, coddled me and Regan will react like I did. Angry, hurt…pushing back. Just the puppy. She'll love the puppy. Her gaze flicked to a sleeping John in the other bed. Stitched up, pain killers and passed out. Kara curled up next to him, and Nat still not letting go of me. My family. The people I love.

Kenny, I'm sorry, Kenny, I'm so sorry.

* * *

 **1.5 Years Ago**

 _"Max!"_

 _"Hey," she smiled, as Kara plopped next to her on the bleachers and smiled. That's usually her dad's move, she thought, when we flirt and pretend we're not, at swim practice. "You're done already?"_

 _"I won the get out swim. Dad says he's cooking you dinner this weekend."_

 _"Yeah. I was tempted to stay home and clean, but your dad insisted."_

 _"My dad really likes you."_

 _Max paused at that and looked at the teenager for long moment. "Your dad has been a really good friend to me. You're very lucky to have such a great dad raising you."_

 _"A friend?"_

 _Oh, she's like John, she thought, who has taken really touching me lately. Holding my hand, the long hugs, how he kept his arm around me after getting chili dogs. I like his hands on me. "You do know your dad used to push all my buttons when we worked together?"_

 _"He said the same thing about you. He called you prickly."_

 _Simmering, she thought, and I bolted from him when I realized it. I let my own insecurities and that town get in my head and now? He's the guy I want to spend time with. "I was. He knew how to push me…and I let him."_

 _"But you guys are friends."_

 _"Yeah," she trailed off. Friends…John who looks at me…John who my kids adore. Crap, Max, crap. "Am I giving you a ride home?"_

 _Kara nodded. "You guys should come over tonight. Dad's making chili."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Max, I'm fine," John said, looking at her still holding a sleeping Regan's hand. Keeping his good arm around Kara, he looked at his shattered fiancé with Natalie wrapped around her. "How is she?"

He doesn't know, she thought, looking at him. His arm, she thought, Kenny died and…Regan. She has part of his liver, he saved her…in a way he will never know. "She hasn't woken up."

"John?" Nat asked, lifting her head and looking at him. "Mommy? John is okay?"

Max pressed her lips to her head again. "Yeah. It's just like a bad cut, Kiddo, remember what the doctor said? You can't use him as a jungle gym for a while."

"Regan?" John asked. "Max?"

"She's," Max faltered, looking back at her. Not with Nat and Kara here…I never want them to leave. Nat needs to sleep, regroup and I don't want to let her out of my sight. Ever. I won't…they don't deserve to have me go off the deep end too. Alice is coming to feed them, let them crash, if Nat will ever let go. "Later? The doctor's said she is going to be fine."

* * *

 **9 Years Ago**

 _I should have given her a ring, Kenny thought, looking at a sleeping Max in his arms. I can even deal with the blonde hair, it's kind of hot…even if I miss the sexy girl next door redhead. She's going to be a beautiful and sexy bride…she's never leaving me again. We'll get married and everything will be okay. Me and Max. Like it should be._

* * *

 **Present**

"They need to rest."

I can't stop crying, Max thought, no Nat and Kara are fine with Alice. Nat… "Your arm?"

"I still have one good one for you," he said, squeezing her tightly. "I'm good, Honey. Really. What happened? Regan?"

She needs to wake up. I need to hear her voice. I need to be an overprotective mom for a while. Leaning into John's good side, she sighed. "They took out one kidney, it was too damaged…John, the bullet destroyed her liver and."

"Max?" he asked softly, wiping away her tears. "Honey? Talk to me. Max?"

She laced her fingers through his. John. My Love. My heart. "John, I…I can't stop crying."

"Regan is going to need you. Get it out now. Cry, scream, throw something, get it out."

She buried her face in his neck. I want to turn back time. It should have been me. Not my innocent baby. Not Kenny, who just got a second chance with his family. This isn't fair. "Sharon she…Sharon, she shot Kenny. He was braindead and…John. We…Damn it."

"Max?" he said, as she shook in his arms. "Oh…Max."

"It's his liver…She's alive because of Kenny. Sharon, she killed him and…John. Regan would have died and…John."

He squeezed her tighter, his lips lingering on the top of her head. I should have been there for her. She had to make that call, she's still legally his wife. Her call…she shouldn't have had to do that. This gutted her, on top of Regan…be there for her. She's shaking. Regan needs us. "You're okay."

John has made me a better person…I'm a better mom because of him. "It hurts."

"You're okay. Regan is okay. Kenny saved her, Max."

She nodded. "He shouldn't have died. He didn't…Having him back was a gift, even if I didn't want…This isn't fair."

"He loved you too. He came to save you from her. Saving Regan this way...he knows how much you love Regan and Nat."

"He didn't need to die."

"He'll always watch over you. I know he loved you…and somewhere deep down, Regan and Nat too. You're okay."

"Regan?" Max said, as her hand shifted in hers. "Oh, Regan, Sweetie, Mommy is here."

"Mommy?" Regan said, opening her eyes. "I hurt. Mommy? Are you crying?"

"Only happy tears because my beautiful Regan is awake."

* * *

 **8 Months Ago**

 _Regan giggled, as they watched their parents on the porch. "Kara, he's kissing her."_

 _"Ssh," she shushed her and wrapped her arms the both. "Our parents really like each other."_

 _"But Mommy never kisses anyone," Nat said. "She said it's just the three of us. I like your daddy, Kara…if Mommy keeps kissing him, is he going to be our daddy too?"_

 _Kara smiled at them. "I think so. Come on, let's go finish Uno…and let our parents keep thinking we don't know what they're doing together, you little monsters."_

* * *

 **Present: 8 Weeks Post Shooting**

"Mom?" Regan asked, as she handed her a bowl of ice cream on the couch.

She sat down next to her. "Regan?"

"Are you and John fighting?"

Maybe, she thought, I've been…stop, Max, he's not mad because I'm focused on Regan. He isn't Kenny who hated that I spent time with my kids. It's me. It's losing Kenny again…throwing that wall up. I need to talk to him…he got shot too. "Nah. We're good."

Regan smiled at her. "Kara said I should ask for stuff since I got hurt. Mom, I want you and John to get married and be happy. More than I want a puppy."

Don't cry, not in front of my kid who just got her Dad's liver after her grandmother shot her. Marry John, that's what I still want…I'm so in my own head. "We can do both. How about a puppy you can ride around like a horse?""

"I want to be outside playing soccer too. I miss swimming. Even school. I miss having fun. A puppy horse would be awesome. Mom?" she pressed. "Don't be sad like Grandma."

"How can I be sad when I'm with you?"

"Max?"

She looked up. John…who had his arm heal in two weeks. Who even with a healing arm, took care of Nat when I was practically living at the hospital with Regan. Who came to see her every day…made sure I was eating and taking care of myself. Who I have been weirdly distant with…the man I love beyond reason. Smiling at him. "Did Kara and Nat win?"

"It's like you run a secret soccer school with them. What do you think, Regan? Soccer and swim in the Fall?"

She nodded. "And you and Mom getting married?'

He looked at her for a long moment. Too thin, not sleeping, and so hurt. Kenny dying, the Lacos' cutting her off from them, they're all so hurt… "Hey, I'll get a judge over here right now and marry her. What do you think, Honey?"

She smiled at that. "We did plan on the backyard wedding…before our industrious kids planned out Hawaii."

He sat down on the end of the couch. Gutted. Even with Regan making a full recovery, Sharon taking a plea, Kenny was her best friend before she married him, she lost that twice. She really wanted him in the girl's life, even if she didn't want to be his wife. "Your call, Regan…And Max? You need a dress, or Nat is going to get you a hoop skirt and tiara. Are you sharing that ice cream, Kid?"

Regan giggled. "Mom gave me too much."

John smiled over her head at Max. "Your mother is spoiling you. Enjoy it before she makes you start cleaning your room again."

She watched the two of them for a long moment. He could have died. Regan…All of them. How can he look at me like that? That he still loves and wants me? Believe it, Max, he loves you. He loves my girls, our girls really. "Anything else, John?"

A smile, he thought, a teasing light in her eyes. I miss that smile. The way she always lights up with them…how much she loves them. I miss her, selfishly I miss us, in the middle of this. Although this loving and devoted mom side of her is something I never saw coming. Ah, Regan, is such a trooper. Badgering her mom about our wedding. "Maybe I should take you out before dragging you to Hawaii. What do you think, Kid? Should I take your mom out for a fancy date?"

Regan giggled again. "Mommy, you should put on a pretty dress. You take such good care of me. John wants to take care of you."

"Did you two plan this?" she asked. I can't leave her here alone. Maybe not ever again. Stop it, Max, stop it. She's healing, physically, emotionally. I can't be this person. John does take care of me, he has since we met at the pool, I didn't see it coming. "Okay. Fancy date and a wedding."

"Can I buy a dress with you, Mom? You know Nat wants you to be a princess."

"Not a princess," she sighed. "We'll get her a tiara and she'll love it."

"I think you can pull it off, Honey."

Oh, he's too good, patient and kind for me. Flirting and teasing me in front of a smiling and healing Regan. I adore this man…it's us forever. Damn it…we've earned this. I can do this, I can be okay. Better than okay. Regan is fine, laughing with John…who is just looking at me in that familiar way. "Nah, I'll go for a full crown."

"That's my girl," John said, as he watched Regan yawn and start to doze. "I think she's out, Honey."

"What are you doing?" Max asked, as he pulled her up with him. "Hi."

"Nat and Kara are upstairs," he said, pulling her in and smooching her. "Regan is doing great, especially if she's following Nat's lead of hoopskirting and princessing you up. Come here. Max, I love you and your Mama Bear tendencies, but ah, Max."

"John?" she asked, as he held her tightly to him, before letting go. "I just…she, Regan, I want to hold on and never let go. And she hates it, I knew she does because I hated being treated like that. I know I've been ignoring, neglecting you, us…even Nat and Kara…I'm sorry."

He leaned in, so their foreheads rested against each other. "Do you really think I'm holding taking care of our daughter against you? Yes, you are being over protective and coddling, you were with me too, but I love you for it. This warm and fuzzy side of you is really endearing and adorable…which makes me want to marry you."

Max smiled, her gaze flicking to a sleeping Regan and back to him. "I believe I agreed to that. Are we serious about this beach wedding thing? I know how happy it would make the kids if we ran with it…and we think we all need a break. We need to clear it with the doctors, but I am in with this one. Just us and the kids would be amazing…then just hanging out? Kind of a kid friendly honeymoon?"

"With Nat using me as a jungle gym?"

Nat who has called him Daddy a lot recently…which he loves. Our weirdly wonderful blended biracial family. "Better you than me."

He pressed his lips to hers and laid his hand on her still flat stomach. "I'd like to make you Mrs. Littleton before this surprise pops out."

She laid her hand over his. The tests were wrong and I am. Going on three months, our kid growing in me. "I'm going to be fat in the pictures."

"Nah, glowing and beautiful, cooking our kid in there. Think boy, Honey, you have a monopoly here."

* * *

 **8 Months Ago**

 _"Dad?"_

 _He looked up from his case file at his 14-year-old daughter watching him from the doorway. "Kara?"_

 _"Where did Max go?"_

 _Ah, crap, he thought. "How did you know Max was here?"_

 _"You two are so obvious."_

 _He closed his file. A few dates, a few great kisses with her…she fits in my arms. "How do you feel about it, Kara? Me dating Max?"_

 _"I like Max, Dad. She's fun, she pays more than anyone else I baby-sit for, but I do like Regan and Nat a lot, and she makes you happy. You don't have to hide it."_

 _John nodded at that. "Noted. We're going slow, Kara."_

 _"Dad, I bet you $100 you're going to marry Max."_

* * *

 **Present**

"Mel," Max said, feeling her heart drop at her sister-in-law at her front door. No gun, she knocked, no one is going to hurt my family again. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

Max gulped. Last Lacos here nearly killed Regan. "How about outside?"

"How's Regan?"

Max shut the door and leaned against it. "Better every day, bored out of her mind, and wants nothing more than to play outside with her sisters this summer. She's good."

Mel stared at her for a long moment. "And John?"

"Good too. Fully recovered, resting, back to being Nat's jungle gym."

"You know she took a plea."

"An insanity one. Mel, I wanted to," Max started. She shot my daughter. She killed her own son… "I don't know if I can every forgive her for what she did."

"Losing Kenny, when we thought he was dead, destroyed her. You and his kids, coming here, it meant everything to her to have her grandchildren close. And you, we all knew how much Kenny loved you. You moving on, and as great as John is, it hurt her. She thought you'd take them away. Kenny signed the divorce papers, Max. He realized how happy you were and didn't want to hurt you. He told me."

"Told you what?"

"About how he felt about Nat and Regan. How he treated you in your marriage."

"I never wanted you to know. I thought…we had problems, but I loved him so much. I wanted it to work so badly, but…he learned to love Regan. I think we would have been fine if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nat. We fell apart, he was drunk all the time, but I still loved him."

"He didn't want them now. Just you."

She nodded. "They deserve better than that."

"Like John?"

"He's a wonderful father to them. He's a good man, Mel. Can I tell you something?"

She nodded. "It better be good."

"I'm pregnant. The kids don't know yet."

"Max."

"I know. John is thrilled."

"Honey? Hi, Mel," John said, opening the front door and looking at her. Not another Lacos gunfire episode. "It's been awhile."

"I thought I'd check on my niece. Max just told me that she's pregnant. Congratulations."

He shot her a look and nodded. "Thanks. We're happy about it."

"When is the wedding? Max, you're still wearing your engagement ring…I assume it's still happening."

"She's a pretty solid mom and I'm thinking she's going to be a great wife too. We just got the all clear from Regan's doctor, the girls planned a beach wedding for us and we caved…we really caved on this one, Max."

Max smiled at him. "I can't say no to Regan now, and all she's used my lack of willpower for is me promising her a puppy and this beach, wedding, vacation."

"She wants rescue abandoned puppies and dogs. Talk her down."

"When?" Mel asked. "I knew you got engaged, now pregnant…really? Kenny is barely…really? Regan has his liver and... you're doing this?"

"John and I got engaged before he came back. I want to marry him, that hasn't changed. I want to have this baby with him. It isn't fair, none of this is, but we're happy and having a baby. You don't have to be happy for me, Mel, I get why you're not."

"Congratulations."

* * *

 **Present: 6 Weeks Later**

"Looking good."

Max smiled at him, rubbing her five-month pregnant stomach. "This thing is beginning pop."

"You're a beautiful bride," he smiled, laying his hands on her stomach beneath the flowing white dress. "I love you like this. You're glowing."

She laid her hands over his. "Probably because you're going to be outnumbered five to one at home."

"Hey, you're giving me a fourth daughter and you're marrying me in about 10 minutes. Shall we, soon-to-be-Mrs. Littleton?"

Max smiled at that, looking down at her swelling stomach. This baby, us talking about him formally adopting Nat and Regan, us really becoming a family. This peanut inside of me that I'm excited to meet, hold, and love with John. Even at this late stage, I'm ready for it. "I'm all yours, Counselor. Make me your wife."

* * *

 **Present: Prison**

Sharon smiled to herself at the good news. Another grandchild for me to love when I leave this place. I'll bring Kenny all his children when I'm finally free.

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **Authors Note –** This is it. I enjoyed writing this (always had a soft spot for the deputy and D.A) and will be doing more stories in the future…both finishing the unfinished ones here and some other ideas tooling around in my head. Short hiatus (Back Mid-May) with something new. I did consider killing Max off in this and make Kenny get custody of the kids despite his objections of being a father versus his death saving the daughter he never wanted. I did fall in love a bit with John and Max's romance with this and wanted them to get a happy ending. There may be a sequel, not entirely sure, as I'd like to leave them alone in their happy ending


End file.
